Pillows: Man’s Best Friend

You know how people say that a dog is man’s best friend? That’s wrong. A dog is a man’s responsibility. A dog is a little poop factory that’s only goal in life is to eat food directly off of your plate the second you turn around. If anything, dogs are man’s neediest friend. There is […]

“My Life as a Gym-Rat,” aka “I Paid Money to Sweat in a Room Full of Strangers?”

As I type this, I can feel my entire torso tensing up. I feel tired and just want to lie down and avoid moving. I guess that’s what I get for trying to be healthy. My healthful efforts began as an earnest attempt at avoiding becoming a giant tub of lard. When you spend most […]

National Hug Day: The Dumbest Holiday Ever or Pure Genius?

All around the world today, people were forced into awkward, unnatural embracing. Under normal circumstances, being hugged is saved for special occasions or people you really like. Today, though, it could have come from the neighbor, the mailman, a stranger in a store, even the smelly homeless gentleman you were nice enough to hand your […]

Quik-Trip: Where the Weirdos Come Out to Play

The weirdos always come out at night. I’ve always known this. Ever since the first time I shopped with random families of seven and possible drug addicts on a late night Wal-Mart trip, I’ve been very aware. No one normal is out after 11 p.m.That’s just the way it is. These trips led to a […]

Black Friday: The Manliest Shopping Day You’ll Ever Have

There is a stereotype that shopping is not manly. For the most part, this appears to be right. It never feels incredibly manly to rave about the shoes you just scored or the new matching linen set you picked up for a pretty penny. In fact, it seems like the opposite of manly. All of […]

Radio Station Gives Away Babies, Also Gives Me Nightmares

I never win anything. It’s just the way my life works. I can only remember winning a handful of prizes in my lifetime, the last one being an electronic toothbrush. In the tradition of my luck, though, that toothbrush was almost immediately possessed by a demon. Some people say it broke, but I know otherwise. […]

The Perfect Mother’s Day Gift

Attention gentlemen! We have a code red! Red alert! Sound the Alarms! Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. Right now, your eyes are darting across the room looking for anything that could pass as a suitable Mother’s Day gift. Your heart is rapidly speeding up, which might be an after effect of the 14 cups of coffee […]