George Soros, You Owe Me Some Money…

Just over two weeks ago, I participated in the Nashville leg of the Women’s March. It was very nice to see that many people join together for a common goal. At least that’s what I thought at the time. Now, I’m just peeved. I’m irked. I’m infuriated and enraged and furious and what not. I […]

Inaugurate This

At some point in the life of every American child, they dream of becoming president of the United States. This is a dream slightly lower than the dream of magical space traveler and unicorn breeder, all with only a slightly higher likelihood of happening. The thing they don’t tell you as a kid is one […]

No CNN, I Do Not Care About Justin Bieber

Technology is a wonderful thing. There once was a time when we could not have every bit of news in front of us at a seconds notice. You would have to wait for people like Walter Cronkite to come on TV at a certain time and let you know that indeed there was something that […]

Cheesepocalypse Surely Spells Out Doom and Utter Destruction For Humanity

Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t want to alarm or cause panic, but we are on the verge of a major disaster the likes of which the world has never seen. This calamity makes the Hindenburg look like nothing. The Titanic pales in comparison. I fear that if this disaster comes to light, the streets will […]

Aliens Are Out There and Apparently They Enjoy Messing With Our Planes

As far as I know, there are no statistics for how many people are afraid of flying. I would assume that it is a lot, and really who can blame them? Even if you understand the physics of flight, the fact that you are in a gigantic winged tube made of metal that is hurtling […]

The Government Shutdown: Where’s The Anarchy?

A few months ago, I downloaded the CNN app for my phone. This seemed like a great idea at the time. Anytime any breaking news was uncovered, I would be alerted immediately. I had at the time forgotten that almost all news is terrible. I was made aware of every single murder that happened to […]

Oh Sure… Global Warming is All My Fault…

The United Nations is renowned for sticking their noses in people’s business. Anywhere in the world, you are likely to find the U.N. insisting that countries protect human rights, alleviate poverty, or avoid starting a gigantic world war that is destined to destroy us all. I mean, talk about intrusive! Once again, the U.N. has […]

Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez Prove True Love is Dead and There is Nothing Anyone Can Do About It

Listen closely. Just put your hands up to your ears. If you focus, you can hear the tears of every romantic falling to the ground. For what seems like forever, we have paid witness to the truest example of love the world has ever seen. It was a fairytale romance between the girl next door […]

Man Arrives At Own Funeral Alive, Likely Ruins Very Nice Service

I was in fifth grade when I first read The Adventures of Tom Sawyer. I immediately felt myself getting caught up with the escapades of this rascal and his no-good friend. I turned each page, eager to find out what antics they would get themselves into next. It was just like what I wished my life […]

Man Named Ikbal Hares Punches Darth Vader’s Wife In The Face

As a rule, people seem to like Star Wars too much. I know this is a controversial statement, but it is true. Sure, the movies are entertaining, but anyone who says they are the greatest movies in the history of the world are delusional. Everyone knows that the greatest movies in history are the Rocky […]