It isn’t easy being a neurotic mess. Sure, Woody Allen made it look effortless in every single one of his movies. Larry David has made a career out of making neurosis appear easy. As a self-proclaimed high-strung nutjob, though, I can tell you that some days your mind has to go miles out of its way to accomplish the required hysterical behavior you have become accustomed to.
Fortunately, the internet is always there to simplify that process.
There I was, minding my own business today when a news story comes across my computer screen.
The Scary Thing Your Hiccups Could Mean
Now, as a person who has downloaded the WebMD app on my phone just so I can get to the symptom checker quickly, I know for a fact I should not click on this. In fact, my brain actually said that exact thing.
“Hey, dummy. Don’t click on that article,” it said.
“But the Huffington Post… They know something,” I replied.
After several more minutes of internal bickering, my brain gave up. “Enjoy the next two hours of worrying!” it said, and then silently allowed me to seal my fate. I clicked the headline and up came a photo of a person holding their breath. I assume this was to dissuade their hiccups. Or maybe it was demonstrating that hiccups could cause you to NEVER BE ABLE TO BREATH AGAIN! I would just have to read to find out.
So you gulped down your beer a little too fast. Those hiccups are pretty annoying, maybe a little embarrassing, but hey, we’re not judging. They’re also usually harmless.
So far, so good. I was not even remotely worried. All that had been said is gulping drinks will give you the hiccups. I learned that when I watched “Pinocchio” as a child. Great hard hitting news, Huffington Post.
Usually. Hiccups may also be a sign you’re having a stroke.
I reread this paragraph a couple of times.* I found myself thinking back through all of the times I have had hiccups recently. There was a time just a couple of weeks ago where I seemingly had hiccups out of nowhere. I attributed it to the glass of water I had just finished and my logical half was telling me that this was, without a doubt, the cause.
On the other hand… they did come out of nowhere. Maybe it was a stroke. Maybe every single time I have ever had hiccups in my entire life, I was just experiencing stroke after stroke after stroke. I’m just a ticking time bomb and with each hiccup I am one second closer to death.
If I had continued reading, I would have seen that the next paragraph said not to freak out and explained in greater detail what sort of hiccup they were referring to. By that time, though, it was a lost cause. I know that I have never had a stroke hiccup (stroccup?), but from now on, every single time I have hiccups, I will just be thinking that this might be the issue. At least until the next scare comes around and I find myself examining my earwax for signs of congestive heart failure or wondering if my sniffles are a sign that I have a bad case of ultra-cancer.
I should have listened to my stupid brain.
*I’m using the word “paragraph” very loosely. Maybe paragraphlet would be more appropriate? Not that my paragraphs are any more paragrapharicious than those of the Huffington Post. From now on, maybe I should just call them tidbits.