Super Bowl XLIX Recap: Every Detail You Could Possibly Need to Know About the Game

 

Once a year, the biggest and best warriors face off against each other. I should clarify. By “the biggest and best warriors,” I mean the two American football teams that were able to make it into the playoffs and then were able to make it past the wildcard round, divisional round, and the conference championship round face off against each other. They are not ACTUAL warriors. They are sporting warriors which involves a lot more padding and a lot fewer deaths than a battle of actual warriors would.

Tonight was that great American holiday known as Super Bowl Sunday.

For Super Bowl XLIX, these two teams were clearly two of the best: The Seattle Seahawks and the New England Patriots. Now, just hearing that, you would not expect much of a battle. I mean, some sort of hawk fighting people who are proud of their country does not seem extraordinary, but when it comes to football, this is an entirely different thing. Under quarterback Tom Brady, the Patriots have made it to six Super Bowls. The Seahawks won Super Bowl XLVIII which, if I’m reading my Roman Numerals correctly, means they won last year. I’ll have to speak to a Roman to confirm that.

Of course, only 1 out of every 10 people at any Super Bowl party really care about the game. You can identify them because they are the people who try to talk during the commercials and refuse to participate in conversation whilst actual football action is happening. The more important part of any Super Bowl party is the food. That is why I decided to do something very special for this year’s Super Bowl.

After much debate, I decided to bring about regional dishes representing each team. For New England, the decision was very easy. I made Lobster Rolls, a dish that seems neither that difficult nor that impressive. It does have lobster in it, though, so that’s a big win.

Seattle was much trickier. What dish represents Seattle? When I think of Seattle, only a few things come to mind. The first thing that pops into my head is 90’s alternative music. There was no food associated with bands like Nirvana and Mudhoney as they seemed to exist solely on cheap beer and drugs, though. After a lot of research, I determined there was no recipe for food that combined these two things. Seattle also has coffee, but bringing coffee to a party seems weird. Because of this, I settled on Salmon Dip reasoning that they eat salmon in Seattle. Also, Trader Joe’s sells it premade and I am lazy, so that really helped my decision-making.

After crafting my Lobster Rolls complete with a mayonnaise disaster (“We’re out of mayonnaise?! Oh no!!!! Wait, here’s a recipe online for how to make mayonnaise… I did it wrong?! Oh no!!!!”), I had missed several hours of pregame show. I arrived at my friend’s house just in the nick of time.

For those who missed the Super Bowl, here is a brief recap of all of the important things that took place. It was a big night, so I’m happy to provide this service for you.

(Note: All times are in Central Standard Time unless otherwise noted. Second note: At no point in time will I be using another time zone, so every single thing here is in Central Standard Time.)

 

4:55: I leave my house, headed to my friend’s house.

4:56: I have a moment of paranoia wondering if I left the stove on. I had been toasting the buns for my world-famous Lobster Rolls and I thought that there was a very good chance my house was burning to the ground at that second. I turn back around. My house was not burning to the ground and the stove was off. I leave again.

5:13: John Legend goes all John Legend on “America the Beautiful.” Scenes of the majestic wonder of America flash on-screen while this is happening. It was very patriotic. I could not help but notice that places like the once great city of Detroit were very much left out of the graphics for this song. I imagine that if John Legend had been singing “America the Sad and Dilapidated,” Detroit would not feel so left out.

5:16: Idina Menzel sings the National Anthem. I hear she is known for the song from the movie “Frozen.” Judging by the looks on the player’s faces, they also have not seen the movie “Frozen” and are therefore not overwhelmingly impressed.

5:18: Thunderbirds fly overhead. For the next couple of minutes, I think about how great of a name this is for a flying squadron. It’s the perfect name for a group of planes. Actually, it’s the perfect name for anything. I may name my first son Thunderbird, though I’m pretty sure that would mean his only future career choice would be as a professional wrestler.

5:22: The coin flip happens. It’s Tails.

5:23: A sideline reporter interviews Pete Carroll. Her jacket is nearly the same color as her skin, so at first glance she looks like she is naked and very wrinkly. It is just the jacket that is wrinkly, though. I shouldn’t say that. I am just assuming that her jacket is wrinklier than her. It is PROBABLY just her jacket that is very wrinkly.

5:26: A commercial featuring Lindsay Lohan as a crazy irresponsible driver airs. Judging by this, I assume that she is actually a method actor and her behavior for the last decade was just her preparing for this role.

5:29: The game starts! Football! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

5:31: My friend finishes one of my world famous Lobster Rolls. According to the label to my faux lobster (fauxbster?), it actually does contain 2% lobster. He is allergic to shellfish, so he might die sometime during the game. I decide I should check to make sure he is breathing periodically.

5:37: My wife attempts to explain football to someone else who doesn’t understand football. Surprisingly, everything she says is correct. I felt proud, but I don’t think she will be hosting an NFL pregame show anytime soon.

5:42: My friends try to get their young child to say “football.” I try to get him to say “Lagarrette Blount.” He doesn’t say either. Instead, he chooses to say “dog.” Kids aren’t always great at repeating things, I learned.

5:50: The Seahawks intercept the ball in the end zone, thwarting the Patriots’ scoring chances. Then that player who intercepted the ball leaves the game with an injury. I’m very concerned about it for a second, but then a Snickers commercial starring Danny Trejo as Marsha from the Brady Bunch comes on and I forget all about it.

6:09: Touchdown throw from Tom Brady to Brandon LaFell. After the extra point, the score is 7-0. I contemplate creating a dance to celebrate my daily accomplishments like a football player. I might do it, but my hips don’t move so well. It would really be more of a line dance to celebrate my accomplishments. That would not be very cool at all, so I decide that I will never dance under any circumstances. It is better for the world this way.

6:19: A commercial plays “Cats In The Cradle.” It is very sad, but I don’t cry. I’m so tough.

6:23: A commercial airs showing a child doing amazing things. Then we find out the kid did none these things. Why? Well, it is because that kid died due to an accident. The kid is dead. He is very, very, very dead. I’m not sure, but I think that may be the first dead kid commercial in the history of the Super Bowl.

6:30: Touchdown Seahawks. Now it’s tied with the second quarter almost over.

6:33: Esurance airs a commercial featuring Walter White of “Breaking Bad” fame. It didn’t convince me to buy their insurance, but it was the first reference to meth that I have ever seen during a Super Bowl. The Super Bowl was really breaking new ground tonight.

6:45: The Patriots score. 14-7 New England.

6:48: I check. My friend is still alive.

6:57: Now the Seahawks score with only a couple of second left in the half. It’s tied at 14. More importantly, Katy Perry is about to sing! Katy Perry! Katy Perry!

7:08: NBC advertises a special about a very white Jesus. They play Phil Collins in the background. It seems like it will be incredibly historically accurate.

7:09: Katy Perry rides in on a giant robot tiger while wearing a dress that looks like flames. I’m concerned for her safety, but she manages to survive so that she can dance with people dressed up like chess pieces.

7:12: My wife says Lenny Kravitz is hot while he plays guitar. I suddenly am wishing that the Rolling Stones were playing the halftime show again. She did not talk about how hot Keith Richards was when they played.

7:13: Now Katy Perry is dancing with giant beach balls and sharks and palm trees. They all have moving mouths.

7:16: Missy Elliott shows up and a song plays that I vaguely recognize.

7:19: During the song “Firework,” fireworks shoot everywhere. Whoever designed the show took the song very literally.

7:35: On the first drive of the second half, the Seahawks kick a field goal and take the lead 17-14.

7:39: My friend is still breathing.

7:51: After an interception, the Seahawks score another touchdown. 24-14.

8:19: We have been talking about podcasts for the last 15 minutes and I realize I have not been watching the game. I did learn, though, that I am not the only person who has not listened to “Serial.”

8:25: Patriots score. 24-21 Seahawks.

8:45: The Patriots score with 2:02 left in the game. They are now ahead 28-24. The Seahawks don’t look happy. I wonder if a team would perform better if there was a person on the sidelines during situations like this that would hug each player and tell them that it’s all going to be okay. That person would probably get punched a lot, though, so I wouldn’t want that job.

8:57: The single most amazing catch happens. It’s very good. Even those who don’t care about football react very dramatically.

8:58: The Seahawks waste one of the single most amazing catches in history by throwing an interception to give the ball back to the Patriots with only 20 second left in the game on the two yard line. Then they get a penalty.

9:01: There’s a fight! A big fight with pushing and shoving and tackling. I would be concerned that someone would get hurt, but they are each wearing a large amount of padding. Also, I probably wouldn’t really be that concerned.

And with that, the game ended. The Patriots came out on top 28-24 giving Tom Brady his fourth Super Bowl ring and another Super Bowl MVP award. In my book, though, the MVP should be given to that giant robot tiger that carried Katy Perry into the halftime show. Without him, the halftime show would have never happened.

My “Least Valuable Player” award goes to Lenny Kravitz. YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE, LENNY! YOU STAY AWAY!

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