Your Guide To The 2014 Kentucky Derby

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Today is the 140th running of the Kentucky Derby. It is time yet again to bask in the glory that is the gentleman’s sport of watching wild animals carry tiny people around on their backs for a while. Outside of the race, though, there is a whole culture. Ladies in ridiculous hats drink weird minty beverages.

The weirdest thing to me has always been the fact that gambling is okay in this scenario. Any other day of the week, if you mention a person betting on horses down at the track, it would have an incredibly negative connotation to it. One day a year, though, people are allowed to gamble and not only is it socially acceptable, but it is actually considered the classy thing to do.

It can be hard to pick the correct horse, though. Most people have no idea what to look for when betting all of their hard-earned money on livestock. That is where I come in. I have figured out the trick. See, it does not matter how well they have run in the past or how healthy they are. The only thing that matters is their name.

To help you out, I have come up with a bit of a guide to the names of the Kentucky Derby horses. Just remember: when you win a fortune because of my gambling advice, I do get 10%

 

Horses That Are Definitely Not Going To Win:

Vicar’s In Trouble: Nothing says a lack of confidence in your horse’s ability more than placing the phrase “In Trouble” in its name. You might as well name your horse “Not Going To End Well.” Actually, I would not be surprised to find out that someone has used that as a horse’s name.

Candy Boy: I feel like Candy Boy is something you would hear a bully call someone in a bad 80’s movie. Then they would give them a wedgie. At the end of the movie, the bully would be beaten by this candy boy, but I highly doubt it would be in a 1.25 mile race.

Intense Holiday: We have all had those holidays that go from relaxing into a full-blown train wreck full of stress. By the end of them, all you really want is a vacation to relax from your previous vacation. With a name like this, I would imagine this horse must be very tired.

Side note: What would the most intense holiday on the calendar be? I would vote Arbor Day. Those trees can be pretty extreme.

Uncle Sigh: This horse was named after a character on a reality show. The only alteration is they changed “Si” to “Sigh.” It’s like they got half way through naming the horse than got bored with the name.

California Chrome: I know that this is the horse that is predicted to win, but I have an issue with that. This horse has been named after a technique of plating metal or plastic with chromium. For some reason, that does not sound like a recipe for speed to me. A chrome plated horse would have the shiniest coat out of any of them there, though, so I guess that’s something.

We Miss Artie: I do not know who Artie is, but if a horse is sulking because of the absence of a friend, it will likely affect the horse’s racing abilities.

 

I Have No Idea What This Horse’s Name Means (AKA I was too lazy to research these names):

Samraat

Chitu

Vinceremos

Tapiture

Ride On Curlin

 

Horses That Would Make Great Movie Titles

Harry’s Holiday

Dance With Fate

 

Horses That Need A Drug Test Immediately After The Race

General A Rod

 

Horses Named After Famous Tony’s

Danza

 

Horses That Should Win

Wicked Strong: This name just spells out prodigious horse abilities. Unless the owners were being ironic. Maybe it is actually a sarcastic name. Either way, every single time I read this name I hear it in a thick Boston accent. That makes me very happy and for that they should win.

Medal Count: If you name your horse after the way people keep track of how many times a country has won in the Olympics, you are clearly planning on winning. A successful attitude is very important when attempting a feat like this.

Commanding Curve: Two reasons this horse should win. First, the word commanding is a very strong word. Secondly, it is an excellent use of alliteration. As long as it is alliterative, they could have used any word there. Commanding Candlestick. Commanding Catamaran. Commanding Claymation Coroner’s Candy Cane.

I really like alliteration.

Wildcat Red: This is my top pick for the win. The reason is simple. If I were writing a western and I needed a name to describe my surly yet tough-as-nails vigilante bounty hunter, I would choose the name Wildcat Red. After all of the death he has lived through, the only thing that has remained is his sense of right and wrong and he is quick to enforce that by whatever means necessary. Sure, he has a hard exterior from the years of pain that he has tried to drown with bottle after bottle of bootleg whiskey, but deep down there is a lot more to him, a complex emotional side that we rarely get a glimpse of but know is right there under the surface.

I think we can all agree that is exactly what you want in thoroughbred race horse.

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11 thoughts on “Your Guide To The 2014 Kentucky Derby

  1. Impeccable logic. Reminds me of the old “Cheers” episode where Dianne kept winning the football pool even though she was clueless about the sport. Turns out she was picking teams from cities whose symphony orchestras had European conductors. And now if you’ll excuse me, I need to place a bet on Wicked Strong.

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  2. Wildcat Red is a perfect name. I would have picked that for the win too. I went to the Kentucky derby once. I always bet by name, and that year the horse I picked won. I hadn’t trusted the “bet by name” system, or I would have picked it to win, but I just picked it to place. I still won money, but it could have been awesome. The odds were against the winner.

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