What To Do With Those Leftover Easter Eggs

© Toelstede / Wikimedia CommonsOnce again, the Easter Bunny has come and laid his weird mammal eggs and gone on his way. You have done your part in celebrating Easter, eating the required amount of hollow chocolate rabbits and helping your child dye eggs fun and vibrant colors. The only problem is that you now find yourself with two dozen blue and green boiled eggs that you really need to get rid of. What should be done?

I am happy to say I have your back. Here are four fantastic ideas for how to dispose of these eggs. Or at least four ideas. I may have been a bit hasty with the word fantastic.

 

Funky Egg Salad

Everyone has that fear that someone at work will mess with their food. No one wants to head to lunch only to find that the Prosciutto and Pesto sandwich they spent a solid 15 minutes building the night before was eaten by Karen from HR. Karen is such a pig!

This is your chance to avoid having to worry about this at all. Simply peel your colored eggs. You will notice that a fair amount of dye has soaked through the shell and into the egg white creating an illusion I like to call “Salmonellay.” Use these eggs to create an egg salad. Due to the varying colors of the egg whites, this egg salad will appear to be egg salad that has been around since the Reagan administration.

If you take this to work, you can rest assured that Karen will take one look at your sandwich and pass it by, possibly even dry heaving at the thought that this egg salad was made with what appears to be rancid moldy eggs. Then she will move on to your coworker’s yogurt, leaving your sandwich right where you left it. Your coworker may be upset about this arrangement, but Karen is their problem at that point.

 

Free Salad

Maybe you do not care for the idea of egg salad. That’s fine. Studies show that 85% of Americans hate egg salad. Do not ask me where I got that statistic. You just read it on the internet, so it must be true.

For those who are looking for a nice healthy salad, this is your opportunity to get one completely gratis. First, take one of your salmonellay eggs and dice it up. Place that egg in a plastic bag and head to your local salad bar. Build the exact salad you are wanting to have, pay for your salad, then sit down with it. Next, dump your egg out onto the salad. Take your salad to the manager and repeat the following as loudly as possible:

“YOUR EGGS ARE BAD! LOOK AT THEM! THIS ONE IS BLUE AND I THINK I SEE GREEN SPECKS! I WILL SUE FOR LARGE UNTOLD SUMS OF MONEY IF MY SALAD IS NOT COMPED THIS INSTANT, MR. MANAGER! ALSO, I WOULD LIKE ONE OF THOSE BOTTLES OF TEA FOR FREE TOO! THAT IS UNLESS YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR LAWYER WOULD DO A FANTASTIC JOB IN COURT!”

Not only have you gotten rid of an egg, but you have successfully given yourself a free lunch. It is important to note that you should probably not try this scheme at the same salad bar more than once. I do not know this for a fact, but I would bet they would think it is kind of fishy.

 

Punish Those Neighbors

So you have a next door neighbor whose idea of a good time is a loud party every Wednesday night? It is not a very neighborly thing to call the police on them just because they happen to think Electronica music should be played at maximum volume for their guests to have a good time. Instead, you should share your eggs with them.

Take a few of your finest colored eggs and head to their front door. Then find a place near that front door to hide them, making sure you crack the shell slightly before hiding them. This may not stop their terrible behavior, but while you are sitting there unable to sleep through Skrillex’s greatest hits, you can smile knowing that every guest had to walk through a cloud of rotten egg stink to get to that music and that they will then tell all of their friends how disgusting your neighbor’s home really is.

 

Save Them For Next Year

This is just a terrible idea. There is no reason to do this. I just thought I would throw it out there, but I heartily recommend not doing this.

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13 thoughts on “What To Do With Those Leftover Easter Eggs

  1. Sound advice! When I was in school my roommate was constantly eating my food until I started marking it with food dye…blue rice, yellow dye on meat, etc. kept the calories off of his plate and on mine.

    You can also make a lovely egg curry and the sauce camouflages the spotty eggs.

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  2. This would only work in a crowded environment, like a bus or a subway or – my personal choice – an elevator in some sort of a high rise. You’d have to peel all the eggs in advance, choosing to work with the ones most profusely stained eggs, preferably green or dark enough blue to be mistaken for black.
    Put as many as a dozen in a brown paper lunch bag and (if you were in my shoes) take an elevator to the top floor of the highest (upscale would be preferable) office buildings in town, hopefully in the twenty-story range.
    Shortly before 5PM, head up to the top floor and wait for droves of drones to come piling out of their cubies, then their offices into the hallways. While you’re all waiting for the elevator to reach you, cram at least one of the eggs in your mouth. While you’re chewing, start looking around exclaiming that you haven’t eaten all day and these eggs are just what you needed to fill you up for the long commute home.
    Once you’re on the elevator – knowing it’s likely going to be stopping at minimally every other floor, cram another one in and remind every how damned good they are. Tell everyone you have another ten of them, and that you’re going to eat one every time you hear that little “ding” when you come to a stop the doors open before the doors open.
    Ask everybody if anyone wants to bet whether or not you can finish the full dozen off by the time you get to, say, the fifth floor.
    You gotta stop at two consecutive floors? Chew faster, brother – you’re on a mission.
    After the first half dozen (you are keeping count, right?), every time you have completely swallowed and egg, squeeze your face into a modest grimace, do a subtle two-step and quietly say “Whooooaaaaa. ‘scuse me.”

    Let me know how many people are still on the elevator by the time you reach the lobby.

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