I am an unapologetic sports fan.
There is just something about watching a good game that is very exciting. I enjoy the strategic mind games of baseball, the give and take of basketball, the pure brute might and ensuing concussions of football, and the non-stop action of hockey. When the Olympics come around, I will take in a good track and field event or one of the hundreds of different types of races.
As an unapologetic sports fan, though, there are certainly sports that do not earn my seal of approval. For instance, every four years, the International Olympic Committee insists I watch rhythmic gymnastics. For those who have never seen rhythmic gymnastics, let me explain it in the simplest terms I can: instead of doing amazing acrobatic feats, gymnasts do moderately impressive acrobatic feats while dancing with props. Last time I checked, ribbon dancing was not an athletic competition. Are the gymnasts impressive during this event? Sure, I suppose. That does not mean I want to watch a bunch of dancing, though.
I also refuse to give a pass to NASCAR, or as it should be called, competitive circle driving. I cannot watch soccer and I will never in a million years understand why anyone enjoys volleyball. The biggest sport that I will never fully understand, though, is golf.
Golf in itself is a good game. Going out on the links for a nice round would be a very pleasant way to spend the afternoon. This, however, does not mean that I would like to watch it on television. If I had a list of things I would like to watch on television, golf would be above “live birth,” but below “How It’s Made: Sporks.” Having watched golf on TV, I thought it could not get more boring.
I was wrong.
While at work, I often listen to the radio on my phone using something called an “app.” This “app” pulls up hundreds of radio stations from around the world. An even more interesting feature is it will give me an alert when something interesting or of note is being broadcast.
I was busy typing away on my keyboard when I noticed the little light on my phone blinking to alert me to some sort of news. My app had decided to let me know that, if I was interested, The Masters were being broadcast on the radio right that second.
This was a confusing concept for me. I understand how most sports are broadcast on the radio. Most sports, though, have action to describe. Golf does not. I wondered what the radio announcers talk about. Do they describe the swing in detail, maybe comparing the swings to lumberjacks or windmills or some other sort of moving object? Perhaps they have nothing to talk about and just rehash how great Caddyshack was and how not great Caddyshack 2 was. There was only one way to find out.
“That was not the shot he was hoping for,” said the first announcer.
“No, getting that close to the green, you really hope you can be on it,” replied the second announcer.
“Now he will be working from off of the green,” the first announcer said. The two spoke for another thirty seconds about the location of the ball which, as it turns out, was not on the green, but pretty close. Having run out of ways to say that the ball was close to the green, the announcers moved on to topic number two.
“So, what can you tell me about this green?”
“Well,” Announcer Number 2 and golf course expert said, “this green is not as flat as it looks. In fact, it is quite a bit hillier. That is why you see some of these putts miss. When you get to this level of golf, the putts are much harder. The ball can hit one of those hills and just go a different direction. It looks like the green is fast today, though. He will have to take into account the speed and the hills when lining up a putt.”
The announcer then began to describe the grass because the only thing less exciting than golf on the radio is a description of bentgrass. That is when I gave up on radio golf. I had lasted all of three minutes and that was enough for my entire lifetime. There is nothing that will ever get me to try this again. I just do not have the time in my life to listen to that.
Well, unless the announcers do decide to skip the real golf for some Caddyshack chat. I think I could probably free up a bit of time in that scenario.