Rest In Piece, Archie Andrews

Photo: Archie Comics

It is a story we have all heard before. The All-American boy meets a girl and they quickly develop feelings for each other. I mean, she is perfect for him. She is athletic and very fashionable with a nose for entrepreneurial opportunities. It was love at first sight.

Then the same boy meets that girl’s best friend and THEY quickly develop feelings for each other. She is perfect for him. By that, I mean she is very rich. I mean, like, incredibly rich. Sure, she may be spoiled, vain, a compulsive shopper, snobbish, and incredibly vindictive, but did I mention she is very rich?

That is the life of one Archie Andrews. There is no doubt that being caught in a vicious love triangle for 73 years would have a great deal of undo stress on a person’s life, so I guess it should be of no surprise to hear what Archie Comics has in store for a future issue.

Archie Andrews, the All-American boy, is going to die.

In the New York Post today, Archie CEO Jon Goldwater broke the terrible news.

“Archie dies as he lived — heroically,” said Goldwater “He dies saving the life of a friend and does it in his usual selfless way. Archie has always been a representation of us — the best of us. Our strengths and our faults.”

Now wait just a second. We are expected to believe that Archie Andrews, the man who has strung along two girls for decades, is going to die heroically saving a friend and not at the hands of a scorned lover? Call me crazy, but that does not seem to add up. Having watched dozens of episodes of “Dateline,” there is something fishy afoot. In the words of “Dateline” correspondent Dennis Murphy, “But those EMT’s… didn’t understand one crucial observation they made at the home that night, that thing that caused them to tell the arriving police officer: There’s something that doesn’t look right here.”

But who would have done this to the All-American hero? Was it Veronica, the fiery heiress who was accustomed to getting her own way? Or perhaps it was Betty, the girl next door who wished to no longer be next door.

The way I figure it, it must have gone down like this:

As always, the gang was hanging out at the local diner. They had just finished a hard day at Riverdale High School. As usual, Archie’s good friend Jughead had ordered 20 or so hamburgers. That is when the killer’s plan was put into motion.

Jughead was scarfing down burger after burger when he began to choke. It seems that he was not taking the necessary time to properly chew his food, a fact that surprised no one. Archie sprang to action, jumping behind Jughead to perform the Heimlich maneuver. As Goldwater said, Archie did save his friend that day. This, however, was not what cost him his own life.

Famished from the work of saving his gluttonous friend, Archie orders himself a burger. He would have taken one of the other burgers from Jughead’s plate, however immediately after being saved, Jughead went right back to eating. That is, after all, how Jughead would operate.

A burger was brought out to Archie, but something did not seem right. It seemed that this burger had a very special ingredient. But what would it be? The killer would not be foolish enough to use a regular poison. No, as it turns out, Archie is deathly allergic to one thing: soy. Despite Archie very clearly requesting no pepper jack cheese as he was very aware that the pepper jack cheese in this establishment contained soy, someone had added extra pepper jack cheese. His throat began to close up and soon Archie was unable to breathe.

People around the diner began to rush about, frantically. Dimwitted Moose Mason attempted to help by beating on Archie’s back before Midge Klump was able to get him to stop, explaining that this was a very stupid thing to do. Kevin Keller and Nancy Woods panicked, rushing about in hopes of finding a way to save Archie. Jughead finished the rest of Archie’s burger.

Remembering that Archie’s backpack always contained an EpiPen for such soy related situations, Chuck Clayton reached in. He pulled the cap off and jammed the needle into Archie’s outer thigh, only to find that someone had emptied the epinephrine. With nothing left to do, Chuck called out for someone to dial 9-1-1 and futilely attempted CPR.

Now, though, the million dollar question is, unlike our hero, still alive. Who would have done this? Veronica is too self-involved to know anything about Archie’s allergens. Betty is just too nice. Jughead is far too busy eating.

As it turns out, the answer was right there all along. Yes, it appears that Jon Goldwater, CEO of Archie Comics, killed the All-American hero in an effort to gain some sort of publicity.

I guess that worked out for him. Well played, Goldwater. Well played.

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