DEAR NATHAN: My husband drinks milk straight from the carton. He says it’s OK because he’s the only one in the house who drinks milk. (True.) I have told him I find it disgusting and that company often drinks milk, having no idea that he drinks straight from the carton.
Isn’t this unsanitary — not to mention rude and selfish behavior? I’d love to know how to get him to stop. — GROSSED OUT IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR GROSSED OUT: This is an excellent question. As I am not a scientist, I thought I would turn to the experts. By that, I mean “Yahoo! Answers.”
According to Class of 2010, this is very unsanitary. The reason is “It’s gross!” I guess that settles whether it is unsanitary.
It can be hard to put the kibosh on this type of habit. According to Class of 2010, you should “tell him to stop being lazy and get a cup like a regular person.” Of course, then you will have to debate whether he is indeed a regular person or if he is an irregular person. And what is the definition of an irregular person anyway? Aside from commercials for Metamucil, I have never heard anyone refer to someone as an irregular person.
My advice is much simpler. If you are worried about the guests getting your husband’s backwash, just stop inviting people to stay with you. The exception would be for lactose intolerant people. It would be okay for them.
Most importantly, never take the advice of Class of 2010. I am not sure that they really know what they’re talking about.
Good luck finding a good source of calcium without your husband’s spit in it,
DEAR NATHAN: I’m 21 and a college student. My mother recently came to visit me and took my boyfriend and me out to dinner. After we were through eating, we sat across the table from my mother and engaged in post-dinner chatter. I draped my arm around his neck and began playing with his ear. It was absent-minded, and I thought nothing of it, but my mother stared from across the table shocked.
She later told me that ear fondling is not appropriate in public. I was taken aback. Isn’t it OK to play with my boyfriend’s ear in public? Does it make people around us uncomfortable? — EAR SNUGGLES IN VERMONT
DEAR EAR SNUGGLES: I have no idea whether this would be appropriate or not. If I were to see a couple ear fondling, I would not be immediately grossed out unless the finger that was just all over the person’s ear immediately went into a shared dish of food.
I do want to congratulate you, though, on coining the term “ear fondling.” What exactly would constitute ear fondling? Is it just playing with the earlobe or do you incorporate cartilage into the action? Aren’t you concerned about earwax?
As far as your mother is concerned, just tell her that your boyfriend suffers from a debilitating case of eariclosis tendinitis, an excruciating diseases that affects dozens of people every year. The only way to provide relief is for a nice ear massage. You immediately go from an ear fondling deviant to a saint.
Commiserations to you as you cope with your boyfriend’s terrible illness,
DEAR NATHAN: We live in a small town. My husband is friendly and outgoing and seems to know everyone. We can’t go anywhere without running into someone he knows. Meals out that should be quiet affairs turn into social situations I do not want to be part of.
I have wracked my brain as to a polite response to people when they say, “Join us!” I don’t WANT to join them. How do we politely decline their friendly offer? — “NOT TONIGHT” IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR NOT TONIGHT: I would recommend saying the following to them:
“Oh, Jeez, that sounds real nice. The thing is, my husband has a terrible debilitating case of eariclosis tendinitis and I would hate to have people think I am fondling his ear out in public. We better get going to that table WAY over there away from everyone else.”
Medical lies are always the best excuse.
Enjoy dining alone,