To Climb Or Not To Climb

Springtime is a rough time to have to be at work.

Just above my computer screen, I can see out a dozen or so large windows looking out on the world. There, beyond the parking lot, is a world full of trees and grass. I watch the sun shine down on them and I desperately want to be out experiencing nature instead of inside staring at the devilish creations that Microsoft has dreamed up.

Today, while looking out, I had a sudden urge to climb a tree. I sat there staring at one particular tree, thinking that I could climb it. It wouldn’t even be hard. I would get there, grab that one low branch, swing my leg up, pull myself up, and then I would officially be the king of that tree.

Then I started to think about it. Why would I even want to climb that tree? Once I was up there, I would have nothing to do but to sit on that one branch. I guess I could go higher up in the tree, but once I got there I would find myself sitting again. Once you get up into a tree, it is essentially a series of benches for your sitting enjoyment minus any and all comfort a bench can provide.

I remembered liking to climb trees as a kid, though. Of course, was that because I really liked to climb trees or was it because the media was force feeding me lies about the joys of tree climbing? I know there were cartoons I watched where people would climb trees and they seemed like they were having a blast. Had the media turned me into a tree-climbing drone happily following their tree-climbing directions?

Why, though, would the media want to encourage me to climb a tree? If I am sitting in a tree somewhere, I would be far less likely to watch the programming that they want me to. It seems like it would be a good move for the media to convince people that trees and outside in general are all very bad. Either that or they could work with botanists to create trees that contain HDTV’s on every branch, though that seems fairly impractical.

I think a good way to get kids to eat fruit would be to get kids to climb fruit trees. You just grab your kid and point them to the nearest apple orchard. Once they got into a tree, they would be so bored that they would have nothing to do but eat the apples that surround them. You would want to be careful, though. If you leave them up in that tree too long, you might be contributing to childhood obesity.

It would be nice, I suppose, to sit in the tree and experience the outdoors for a while. Maybe I could scale it with a book in hand and enjoy some delightful in-tree reading. It would be just like being in a library but with much rougher seats and a greatly increased chance of running into sap.

Not that it matters. I am far too busy with this Excel spreadsheet to get to climb a tree anyway.

Thanks a lot, Microsoft.

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10 thoughts on “To Climb Or Not To Climb

  1. Climbing trees…sounds lovely. I used to climb all the time as a kid. I need to find a place with some good climbing ones for my kids. The ones around here just don’t cut it.

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  2. I absolutely have never climbed a tree! I am a bit of a girlie-girl I guess. I saw nothing at all attractive about trying to hold onto something as rough as bark to get somewhere off the ground. Now, my grandfather owned an orchard in B.C., so when we would go visit he would take me up in the cherry picker! That is the perfect way to get to the top of the tree & you can get down fast too!

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