Dear Columbia Broadcasting System,
Hello. You may not be familiar with me, but my name is Nathan. I have been a fan of yours for many years, having watched countless programs that you have offered up for consumption. In fact, over the 27 years I have been alive, I estimate that roughly 13 of those years has been spent watching your television network, the other 14 being made up of trying to figure out what to eat, eating, and then falling asleep because I have eaten far too much. As far as I am concerned, all of the other networks are pure garbage that should be burned in a barrel so as to not inflict the world with anymore of their rubbish.
Today one of my comedy heroes, David Michael Letterman, announced he is retiring from his long running late night show creatively titled “The Late Show.” It is a very gloomy day, to say the least. Mr. Letterman has helmed his show for nearly my entire lifetime and done so with great vigor and honor.
With that said, I see the conundrum you are currently in. You will have to find a host to replace the incomparable David Letterman by the time he leaves in 2015. That is why I have done you an immense favor.
Mr. or Ms. Columbia Broadcasting System, I would like to throw my hat in the ring for the competition to helm “The Late Show.”
You may be asking yourselves, “Exactly why would we give a show with such a storied history to some fellow we have never met or heard of?” I think the better question would be “Why not?”
We will start with the bottom line. According to a hastily performed Google search, you were paying Mr. Letterman $20 million a year. That is crazy money! There is no way you would have to pay me $20 million. I could not even imagine how much money that would be, so rest assured I would be cheaper. I mean, if you were to take the ridiculous amount you were paying him per year and convert that into pennies, I am sure you could fill an Olympic sized swimming pool.
Okay, after another hastily performed Google search, it would easily fill an Olympic sized swimming pool. On a side note, did you know it would only take $45,000 in pennies to fill that pool? I would never have guessed. See? I have already taught you something. That is just one of the many talents I would bring to “The Late Show.”
Another reason to give me a spot in the historic Ed Sullivan Theater would be my ability to tell a good joke. I am a joke master. Whenever I am at a party, hordes of people surround me begging for a joke. Then they proceed to laugh until they go hoarse. It kind of kills the mood of the party when no one is able to speak, but that is just the price I pay for being this funny. To prove this, I have crafted a monologue joke involving a topical event:
“According to NASA, studies show that underneath a thick layer of ice on the planet Saturn is an ocean the size of Lake Superior. An ocean the size of Lake Superior? Looks like Earth wins again at intergalactic ocean having!”
Okay, I will admit that punchline needs a little work. That’s why the show has writers, though.
Lastly, I think my built-in audience would really help ratings. Not to brag, but I have over 500 friends on Facebook. That is halfway to 1,000! You could not even pay for that kind of built-in fan base. That is 500 viewers that would absolutely tune in every single night. Maybe. I mean, there are a lot of them that I do not really talk to, but I think you could count on at least 200.
In conclusion, I think my low price, joke writing ability, and built-in fan base make me the perfect heir to Mr. Letterman. I eagerly await contact from you.
Nathan Cornelius Witherspoon Badley IIX
P.S. If anyone from another network is also reading this, that first paragraph is a bunch of crap. I also watch your channel and will happily take any job you have to offer.