At Long Last, Information About The iPhone 6 Is Here

Rumors about the upcoming iPhone 6 have been flying about the internet for months. It is single-handedly the most anticipated upcoming phone that begins with a vowel that is not a, e, o, u, or sometimes y. A quick Google search for “iPhone 6 rumors” will bring up 103,000,000 results, most of which do not link to pornography or terrible computer viruses.

Finally, though, it appears we have some confirmation about features that will be included on the upcoming iPhone 6. In an unexpected press release today, Apple CEO Tim Cook outlined some of the upcoming specs of this hotly anticipated phone.

For months, sites have gossiped about the iPhone possibly coming in more than just the standard 4” screen previously featured on the iPhone. In fact, the iPhone 6 will come with a wide range of sizes, starting at a 4.7” screen and featuring several larger sizes such as the 5.5” iPhone affectionately called “the large,” the 6.8” “gigantor”, the 7.6” “grande”, and the 9.7” iPad/iPhone combo called the “iEverything.”

“It seems like featuring one size of screen has seriously limited the iPhone in the past,” said Cook. “We are looking at even more advances in the future. My hope is that, by the 10th generation, the iPhone will be available in a 32” model.”

In addition to new sizing, Apple will increase the role Siri plays. At the current time, Siri is only able to be accessed by the push of a button. The iPhone 6 will feature Siri 2.0. Using an updated combination of GPS and unprecedented satellite surveillance, Siri will now be able to speak to you in real-time, telling you exactly what you should and should not be doing in all aspects of life.

According to Cook, Siri 2.0 is “already being used by the best developers in the country to design fitness and wellness apps.” Siri 2.0 will be able to know when you are nearing a local fast food joint or donut shop and guide you to the nearest health food store. If that does not work, Siri 2.0 will actively berate you until you find yourself eating healthy to avoid your phone’s nagging.

The iPhone 6 will also feature an updated iCloud.

“While storing documents, photographs, and music was step one in developing the iCloud, the new iPhone has quite a few surprises in store. For the low price of $150.00, the new iCloud will be able to store everything in your life including thoughts, memories, dreams, or ideas that have been cluttering up your mental hard drive. By downloading your thoughts to the iCloud, you can ensure that you will never forget a thing,” said Cook.

While the new features are definitely rave worthy, the most amazing upgrade is in the size department where the iPhone’s thickness will shrink from 0.3” to an unprecedented 0.07”. Of course, with this change, there have been a few features removed from the iPhone 6.

“After much brainstorming,” Cook said, “the engineers at Apple have decided that the phone portion of the iPhone is just cluttering up the device. In order to offer the sleekest product available, we have streamlined the iPhone by removing any and all ability to make phone calls.” Added Cook, “No one really does that anymore anyway.”

The iPhone 6 will be released September 12th, at which point rumors regarding the iPhone 7 will begin.

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4 thoughts on “At Long Last, Information About The iPhone 6 Is Here

  1. I didn’t even know an iPhone 6 was coming out, where were all these rumours you were talking about?
    I think it’s sad that I get my tech news from you, as misleading as it is. Well played!

    Like

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