I was going to write a nice piece about the hard-hitting news of today. We were going to discuss all of the issues from the Crimean Peninsula to the feud between Miley Cyrus and Katy Perry which is somehow big enough to warrant a spot in the middle of CNN’s homepage. It was going to be a piece so brilliant that I was sure to be guaranteed a spot on “Meet the Press” next week. It was all planned out and it was going to be amazing.
Somewhere between brainstorming and writing, though, something terrifying happened. Something that until today I never thought I would ever see outside of a movie.
In the immortal words of Shaggy from the timeless cartoon “Scooby Doo”, “I saw a pair of g-g-g-g-g-ghosts!”
I was out walking the dog as am I wont to do. We were meandering down the sidewalk when, from a distance, I heard a sound.
It was the sound of whistling. Not one whistle, mind you, but two. Two whistles whistling the same melody in unison. Their whistles echoed. I glanced towards the sound and that’s when I saw them. Two dark figures slowly walking away. Their whistles continued, the only audible sound to be heard outside.
I began to ask myself why two people would walk about whistling in unison. I guess they could have formed an all-whistle based band, though I highly doubt there is much of a music scene there. Of course, someone probably said the same thing about the Beatles at some point, so I could be incredibly wrong. I would really hate to be the one who witnessed the first performance from the World Famous Whistleteers and did not recognize their unadulterated brilliance.
I scoured the recesses of my brain and that’s when I remembered something. Based on dozens of movies, unison whistling from mysterious dark figures can only lead to one logical conclusion: the two dark figures suffered some tragic fate and now are destined to wander the Earth forever.
As legend has it (starting right now), it was a dark night much like tonight many years ago. Two young men were out carousing and listening to the popular music of the day. After that Duran Duran song ended, the first individual stood up.
“Hey, you know what would be a radical idea? We should walk to the local burger joint to see if we can find some gnarly girls to hang with!”
“That is, like, a great idea!” said the second guy said. “I mean, I guess I could just call Diane, but barf me out!”
“No duh!” said the first guy.
They began walking when a car sped right at them. The headlights were coming closer, moving faster and faster. At first, the two had no idea what to do. Then, at the last-minute, the first guy dove out-of-the-way, pulling the second guy out with him.
“Whoa! That was close!” said the first guy.
“Oh yeah. I’m so sure,” said the second guy. “Let’s go. I mean, ‘Where’s the Beef?’” The two shared a hardy laugh as this was a very timely pop culture reference at the time.
They continued walking. That’s when they encountered a gang of armed youths.
“Hey! Where are you bad dudes going?” asked a member of the gang, shifting his bat in his hand.
“Nowhere. We’re just walking,” said the first guy.
“Yeah. What’s your damage, man?” said the second guy. He was not the best at reading social cues and did not realize that gangs of armed youths often like to rough people like him up.
“What? Man, you need to take a chill pill. You can eat my shorts!” said the leader of the gang. They began to attack, swinging their bats and other assorted weapons wildly. What that gang did not know, though, is that these two young men were trained in the martial art of Bojuka. The two easily took out the gang of youths, not even receiving a scratch.
As they neared the burger joint, suddenly out of nowhere a hot air balloon landed on them and they died. And that is how they became the ghosts of my parking lot.
As far as ghosts go, they did not seem too bad. Aside from the whistling, there was nothing too ominous about them. In the grand scheme of things, they seem to be very benevolent ghosts.
Either that or they are just two weirdos who like to whistle together.