Entry From A Dog’s Diary, March 9th

Dear Diary,

I was on the couch when the woman came and sat next to me. This is not a rare thing. It seems that she always wants to be around me, never letting me have a moment to myself. If I manage to break away and head to the bedroom for a bit of personal reflection, it will be no more than a few seconds before she has called for me. All I want is to go to a quiet room and chew on any article of clothing that has been left on the floor, but apparently that is too much to ask.

It’s honestly exhausting.

When she comes and sits next to me, I know that all she wants is a bit of attention. Humans can be needy like that. They are constantly wanting you to sniff them and lick them. Some even insist that you roll over so that they can touch your belly. It can be a bit degrading, I guess, but until I figure out how to get to the bag of food myself, I am kind of at their mercy.

As she sat there, I gave her the attention she so desperately needed. I climbed onto her lap and nuzzled up against her. She was so happy, she started talking in that high-pitched tone like a complete idiot.

“Oh Charlie! You are such a good girl! Yes you are! You are such a good girl!” I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I am fully aware of what a good girl I am.

That is when the strangest thing happened. She was petting and I was nuzzling when out of nowhere, she reaches down, picks me up, then she put her lips right on my cheek and made a strange smacking sound.

I will admit this caught me very much off guard. I mean, I had seen the two humans do this to each other before, but I never thought that they would try to put their dirty, germ-infested mouths on me. I mean, human mouths have to be the least sanitary mouths in the world. They are always putting food in there and spend time every day just rubbing a weird stick on their teeth. I never see them chew on anything, so you know their mouths are disgusting, and I was subjected to one touching me.

Aside from that, it is just very awkward. I mean, I like her, just not really in that way… you know what I mean. Why doesn’t she just keep her mouth to herself and use it for licking herself like a normal mammal would?

The worst part is, though, that I can’t even tell her how awkward this is. Knowing that her favorite creature on the planet feels a bit uncomfortable would be life-shattering. It would absolutely crush her! I am absolutely convinced that I am the only reason she gets up in the morning. Nothing is anywhere near the level of importance I have in her eyes.

I mean, why else would she insist on tethering herself to me with that leash when we go outside?


Until tomorrow,



6 thoughts on “Entry From A Dog’s Diary, March 9th

  1. Quite the interesting script flip here. <– No idea why or how I'm writing in italics here, btw.
    Why is the girl dog named "Charlie"? That's one name in particular that's never struck me as androgynous.


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