Headlightlessness: A Growing Epidemic

Everyone needs a cause to stand for. I have looked near and far for my pet cause. I considered animal rights, but there are several animals I find delicious, so that was out. Digging wells in Africa would be a great cause, but if I were to be the face of that, I would have to compete with Matt Damon. I have a feeling I would not unseat him.

Finally, though, a cause near and dear to my heart came to my attention. It was on a drive home from work several months ago when I first saw it. There was a great amount of traffic that evening and each car would zoom past me. It can be hard to keep up with traffic in a 1992 Ford Explorer, particularly when your fellow drivers on the road feel that the speed limit is more of a loose recommendation.

Then, I heard the sound of a car zip by me, but I did not see a thing. It was as if a ghost car had appeared, passed me, then disappeared again. Only a few seconds later did I find out what had happened.

It turns out that a black car had driven by, its headlights in the off position despite the fact that the sun had set a half an hour ago. This black car was weaving in and out of traffic, all the while its headlights off.

Over the past few months, I have seen car after car driving without their headlights on. It has almost become a nightly occurrence. These cars have decided that seeing is a thing that they are far too privileged to worry about. I guess their thought is that it is everyone else’s responsibility to avoid terrible traffic accidents.

That is why today I would like to announce the beginning of my new non-profit organization: “Hey Idiot! Turn On Your Lights After Dark! “ or HITOYLAD for short.

Here at HITOYLAD, we have decided that the only way to change things is through knowledge. If everyone were to have all of the facts, there is no doubting in our minds that they would change their ways and turn into Responsible Headlight Users, or RHU’s.

For instance, most people do not know about the latest HITOYLAD study conducted just this past week. After surveying a number of people, it was revealed that it is much harder to see a car without headlights on than with headlights on. Granted, the survey was just two people and I was one of them, but I think it still holds some water.

Also, I bet you had no idea how many people are killed by a lack of headlights each year. I also don’t know, but I would bet it is at least a couple.

With our funds, I plan on a sizeable billboard advertising campaign featuring my new clever slogan “Seriously? Turn on your freaking headlights!” It will feature pictures of car wrecks with this slogan plastered all over it. I will need $15,000.00 per month for the ten billboards I would like to have, so I really need to do some fundraising.

Maybe I can make a difference. Someday, when I die, my obituary will say the following:

Nathan Badley died at the ripe old age of 236. He is best known for stopping the terrible spree of headlightless driving in the mid 2010’s in the city of Nashville. Because of him, literally billions of lives have been saved. He leaves behind very few people because he lived way longer than any of them. The memorial service will be held Tuesday inside of LP Field. Seating is limited.

That would make this all worth fighting for. Now if I can figure out what I need to do to set up a nonprofit. I hope it does not take too much work…

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2 thoughts on “Headlightlessness: A Growing Epidemic

  1. I have never faced a ghost car, but I assume it would be quite alarming to encounter one…
    HITOYLAD made me think about Pinocchio (“Hi, Toy-Lad”)… maybe it could be looked at like those drivers are lying about their presence on the street by keeping their headlights off…
    … nah, that’s stupid 😛

    Like

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