It is March 1st. The winter is ending and spring is arriving right now. You know exactly what that means. It is only a single month until everyone’s favorite holiday.
In just a matter of weeks, April Fools’ Day will be here. It is truly the most wonderful time of the year.
Of course everyone knows exactly what happens on the first of April. There will be people placing rubber bands on kitchen sink sprayers. There is a strong chance you will find your car full of balloons or your hand slipping off of a Vaseline coated doorknob. There is very little chance of surprising anyone on this holiday anymore. That is why I would like to propose something that will change the April Fools’ Day game forever.
Instead of confining our pranks to the first day in April like “The Man” would want us to do, we should all agree on something unprecedented. Move it a month forward. Today should be March Fools’ Day.
This is the perfect arrangement. No one will see anything coming. It will truly allow for a completely pure pranking experience for all involved. Just pull any of these pranks and you are sure to find a victim lacking any pranking expectations.
In fact, March 1st is the perfect day for pranks. Everyone has an idea for a prank involving livestock. Well, I’ve got good news. March Fools’ Day happens to also fall on National Pig Day. That means that not only are pig pranks completely hilarious, but they are also honoring a day set aside to “accord the pig its rightful, though generally unrecognized, place as one of man’s most intellectual and domesticated animals.”
In addition, one major fear that any good prankster has is that a prank will go terribly wrong and someone will get hurt. Often times, this just makes the prank funnier. Sometimes, though, these injuries can be very serious. No one wants to be held responsible for a prank that leaves someone without the use of one or more of their limbs. It is a pretty serious burden.
Well, great news. March 1st also happens to be Self-Injury Awareness Day! That means that if a person were to be hurt as a result of your prank, you can just turn around and use it as a very timely teachable moment. See, if the prankee had been more aware of their surroundings, they would not have experienced a terrible self-injury. Awareness is the key people!
Now, I know many of you are reading this and thinking, “Nathan, this is a great idea. I mean, seriously, it is one of the best ideas I have ever heard. Your mind is truly a God-send to the earth. Unfortunately, March 1st is almost over and I haven’t pranked a single person! I am a failure to you and everyone I know.” Well, calm down. Everything is going to be okay.
See, everyone knows that if March Fools’ Day is to fall on a weekend, it is to be celebrated the following Monday! No one celebrates holidays on the weekend. That would be like… celebrating a holiday on a weekend! There is no analogy that thoroughly explains how ridiculous this idea really is.
You better stop reading right now and get cracking. Time is running out to be prepared for March Fools’ Day. There are supplies that need to be purchased, blueprints that need to be drawn, insurance policies that need to be perused just in case one of those self-injury situations should arise. People, we need to be ready!
If you find yourself unready, I guess you can still wait for boring regular April Fools’ Day to come. You know, if you want to be lame like everyone else.
For those who want to be awesome, though, I expect some full on pranking activity in the next couple of days. As Rene Descartes once said, “Dude, you don’t want to prank someone who knows it’s coming! Come on!”
No one could possibly argue with Rene Descartes, right?