A Warning to Detroit: Big Foot Is Here and He Is After Your Pizza

The Big Foot on his way to his new home in Detroit.

In my lifetime, I have but one goal, one task to accomplish before my fleeting time on this earth has passed. When the final hours have ticked by, I do not hope to be known for possessions or worldly things, but by something much bigger. Something that will stand the test of time.

If I have anything to do with it, I will locate Big Foot.

There are those who say Big Foot is but a mythical beast akin to the Loch Ness monster or the Chupacabra. The Big Foot does not exist, they say. If he does exist, where is the proof? To them I pose a single query: where is your evidence that the Big Foot does NOT exist?

In fact, there are literally thousands of eye-witness accounts of the Big Foot. The Big Foot is known to travel, having been spotted by the lucky few in nearly every state minus a few such as South Dakota because even the Big Foot has no interest in visiting South Dakota. He tends to favor areas with low human population and that have an annual rainfall of at least 20 inches.

At least, that was the Big Foot’s modus operandi. Now, though, this mysterious being has moved to his next great stomping grounds. A place that mankind has forsaken and left behind. No one would expect to spot the beast there amongst the remains of an ancient human civilization.

The Big Foot has located himself in the olden city of Detroit.

A man named C. Brown was driving with his family through the city of Detroit looking for a new neighborhood to move into. This is a prime place for this type of activity since a house in Detroit can be purchased for as little as $25 at this point. C. told his amazing and undoubtedly true story to the crack reporting team at Cryptozoology News:

“We see this hairy arm reaching out the window. I say what the hell, he gonna get cut that dude with the broken glass, man. Then a whole body coming out the window, looked like a monkey, only big damn monkey with a stick on the hand. Maybe about 7-ft tall. It had short, reddish hair. But hold on, the face was human looking, as crazy as it sounds. My wife kept telling me to drive away, so we did. I got to see the animal’s eyes and all, big and dark, with a huge head, like a triangle shape, kinda, know what I mean?”

Know what you mean indeed! In fact, this is not the first time that the Big Foot has been spotted amongst the hovels of Detroit. According to the Huffington Post, footprints were found in an abandoned alley in 1990. They were very large, footprints that you could describe as very big.

As if that were not proof enough that the Big Foot has moved to the Wolverine State, a month ago there was evidence placing him just over 100 miles from Detroit. A man in Midland, MI had pizza boxes, poop, and pictures, or “the three p’s” as we enthusiasts of the Big Foot call them. These proved that the Big Foot had, for the better part of a decade, lived in this man’s property eating pizza and “shape-shifting”.

Experts do point out that 70-80% of sightings are not real, so there is a chance that these sightings would fall into that category. There is that 20-30% chance, though.

If you need me, I will be in Detroit pursuing my destiny. If it is the last thing I do, I will track down the Big Foot. When I find him, I will have but one question left to answer:

“How does a Big Foot in Midland, MI find the money to buy pizza?”


All facts in this story come courtesy of www.bigfootsightings.com. Yes, this is a real thing. 


6 thoughts on “A Warning to Detroit: Big Foot Is Here and He Is After Your Pizza

  1. If anyone’s destined to find The Big Foot…it’s not you. But that person is far too busy with important things like Instagram and his Etsy business so I guess the onus is on you my friend.

    That’s right, I’m back in the blogging world again…sorry I’ve been away for so long. Hope you’re doing well.


    • Welcome back!

      I will find the Big Foot and show you it was indeed my destiny. Then I will laugh all the way to the bank just as soon as I figure out how to monetize the fact that I found the Big Foot. Maybe I would get a reality show or something.


  2. Well, be wary though, cause everyone knows around half Bigfoot sightings are actually Robin Williams. Don’t mean to spoil it for you, just don’t want you to have your hopes up. :/


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