Dear Martin Johnsrud Sundby,
So, today has been a rough day for you. I’m sorry to hear about that. No one wants to go to the Olympics and end up finishing 13th in their respective event. I can’t even begin to know what that feels like, namely because I will never be in the Olympics myself unless the IOC decides to add pop culture trivia as an event. Even then, I feel like I would be a pretty severe underdog.
Adding insult to injury, though, was the comments by your mother. When you finished, she told a news station that you were “the worst Norwegian” and that you should “go home”.
That has to sting.
When I read this, I watched a clip of you skiing. I was fully expecting you to make a complete buffoon out of yourself. In fact, you did quite well. At least I think so. I’m never too sure what is happening with cross-country skiing. Why would anyone ski without a mountain? It just makes no sense.
You were much better than I would ever have been, though. I have skied twice in my life and I only was brave enough to leave the beginners slope one time. I made it to the top of a much steeper, less beginnery hill and promptly fell over, then spent the next five minutes trying to figure out how to put my ski back on while on a hill with that particular slant. There is no doubt in my mind that you would have no trouble putting your ski back on. That is something to be proud of.
There is no need to worry, though, Martin. You are, by no means, the worst Norwegian. The fact that you were even in the Olympics is an impressive feat that only 133 other Norwegians can claim. That means only 0.0000002% of your country was good enough to compete while the rest of the country was stuck at home doing whatever it is that people do in Norway for fun. Maybe hop in their bil and visit a kino or grab a kringle?
Historically, you are definitely not the worst Norwegian. I mean, hasn’t your mother ever heard of Vidkun Quisling? That guy worked with Hitler and now his name is synonymous with “traitor” in Norway. I don’t know much about you, but I’m pretty sure you have had no part in any sort of genocide in your lifetime. If you did, someone really should update your Wikipedia page.
Not only was Quisling bad, but when I searched online for famous Norwegians, I saw two that were only famous for killing a lot of people. That means that, assuming you are clean in the whole murder department, you are officially better than at least three Norwegians in history.
As far as just in that race, you still weren’t the worst Norwegian. Did your mother happen to see where Paal Golberg finished? He wasn’t even top 15! I would hate to imagine what Mrs. Golberg said about him when he finished the race.
So Martin, you can rest easy. I hope that by the time the two of you head out to your local Syttende mai parade you have patched everything up. If not, feel free to challenge your mom to a race.
You’ll know exactly who the worst Norwegian is then.