Long-Lost Sister Found At Local Walmart. You Really Can Get Anything There…

As Americans, there are a few things that we hold dear. There is liberty and freedom and all that crap. More importantly, though, we love things. We need a lot of things. We love things so much that we even have TV shows about people buying things so that they can then sell those things to other people who want things.

When we need these things, we have a very convenient place to go. Many years ago, a man named Sam Walton had the foresight to realize the only way for Americans to love buying things more than they already did was to put it all inside of one gigantic building. Soon blenders and television sets and shoes and toothbrushes were lining shelves aside one another. Thus Walmart was born.

You can literally get anything. You want cookies in the shape of Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson? How about books and music by the Robertson family? You can get beach towels, blankets, cups, birthday cards, body pillows, men’s rings, t-shirts, key chains, children’s battery powered ATVs, underwear, and shower curtains all bearing the likeness of a member of the Robertson clan. On top of all that, there is an entire store worth of stuff that has nothing to do with bearded Louisiana hunters.

Yes, there is nothing you cannot find at Wal-Mart. They have it all covered. “But, Nathan!” you may say. “What about love, camaraderie, a sense of belonging? There is no way you could possibly find that inside of a big box store!”

Well, my friend, you could not be more wrong. You can find all of those things. Just ask John Maixner.

As a baby, John Maixner was given up for adoption by his mother.  John was adopted by a loving family that took care of him and he soon grew to be an adult. As he began to age, though, he became concerned. See, as people get older, sometimes they find that they are not nearly as healthy as they were at 25. Looking for medical information, John began to track down his family.

After researching, John was presented with a surprise. It seems his mother had put five children up for adoption. After contacting Catholic Services, he was introduced to his brand new sister Deidre. She had reconnected with their mother later in life and had found the other siblings. She began to show John pictures when something jumped out at him.

It seems the friendly Walmart employee that John had been waving to for years was not just a random person. She was his long-lost sister.

(Side note: this would be a great basis for a road trip comedy. John, played by Robert Downey Jr., is introduced to his long-lost sister, played by Kristen Wiig. They then track down the other family members. Talk about a set up for shenanigans!)

John left with more than just his Duck Dynasty doormat from that Walmart ($12.97 in case you were curious): John left with family. It is a good thing that John was a very polite man. Imagine how awkward it would be to find out that the cashier you cursed at for taking too long bagging your Duck Dynasty “I Love Si” watch ($15.00) was actually your sister.

I guess it goes to show you: you should be polite to everyone you meet. There’s no telling who your long-lost sibling is

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