The Unfortunate and Untimely Demise Of An Innocent Email Account

An email account is a difficult thing to maintain.

Everything always starts out nicely. You sign up for an account and selectively give out your email address. At some point, though, you need to order something online. You say to yourself, “I’ll just put my email in right here. It’s no big deal.” Then you see a single unwanted email get through. You banish it to the spam folder, but before you know it there are two, then three. A few weeks later, you are in a full-fledged outbreak of spam. You can try to unsubscribe and exile emails to the spam folder, but in the end, there is only one answer.

You leave that email account for dead.

Throughout the internet, I have several email accounts that have been forgotten.  Yahoo, Hotmail, AOL all left behind. When I adopted my current email account, I kept my previous account as well. This account exists for one reason: if there seems to be a likelihood that a company is going to contact me for a miracle weight loss drug or offer me Russian mail order brides just because I put my email address on a site, this is the email I use.

Occasionally, though, I like to glance through. There is always a chance I am missing out on something great. More likely, it will be a pre approved credit offer or a tip on how to pay my mortgage off quickly, a particularly strange offer as I do not have a mortgage, but you never know.

Today I glanced at my account. There are 8,520 unread messages. This is not an exaggerated number or a number made up for comedic effect. There are enough emails that, as of the 2010 census, every person who lives in Poteau, Oklahoma could have their own unread email message. I mean, we’re talking enough for the entire county seat of Le Flore county, so I think you know what I’m getting at. Oddly enough, the spam folder for this same email account contained 57 emails. Apparently at some point, the account itself had given up.

Scrolling through the messages was like visiting a museum of email no one really wants. The Republican National Committee wants me to donate money because everyone is fed up with Barack Obama’s liberal agenda. Meanwhile, Barack Obama wants my help giving Americans affordable, quality healthcare coverage. Apparently Dr. Oz has found some sort of Botox alternative that will help me look 10 years younger which is great because I have been trying to find something that will turn back the clock to a more pubescent, hormonal time. My credit scores may have been updated according to one email, but they must be okay because the next seven were offering me credit cards.

At one point I was very upset. I thought I had missed a possible job interview. I could earn “up to $6000-$8000 per month,just by working two to three hours on a daily basis.” That sounded like a pretty good deal until my computer alerted that this was likely just an attempt by someone rude to give my computer malware. It’s probably a good thing that I missed that one.

My email had, in three years, gone from a seemingly healthy form of communication to the “Outbreak” monkey version of email accounts. If the creatures from “I Am Legend” were turned into web-based communication, it would be this email account.

In one way, it is a sad reflection of our consumerist society. We just take things, then throw them away when they have stopped serving their purpose. This email account has certainly stopped serving its purpose, so I had just cut it loose. On the other hand, I do not have the time to read 50 emails about Lasik surgery and reverse mortgages every day, so this email address can just rot for all I care.

Later, I was looking at my primary email. There was a message from mrsmridulagogna saying they “need your assist on a project.” It was my email’s first real spam. I banished it to the spam folder as one should do in this situation, not that it will help.

I probably better start looking for a new email account now. I wonder if NetZero is still around…

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