Last night, I wrote a post berating my neighbors for smashing a cupcake on our front step. (You can read that here) After reading it, though, my wife was concerned. She did not feel that my post was nearly sarcastic or passive-aggressive enough. I guess she was concerned that our neighbors might someday read this and not fully understand how unhappy they make her. I contend that they will always be too busy leaving trash in the hall to ever read my blog, but I could be wrong.
To make her happy, I have written an extra sarcastic post. As her husband, being incredibly sarcastic is the very least I could do.
How are things? Judging by your constant door slamming and the weird loud noises I hear, I would guess you’re pretty busy. No one would ever make that noise if they weren’t REALLY busy!
I just wanted to take a second out of my day to thank you. I mean, you have brought a lot to the apartment building. You are constantly giving to those around you. You are basically the Mother Teresa of Nashville, except without those gross lepers.
Thank you so much for the art on our wall. Day after day I walked out of my apartment building and was greeting with just beige paint. It was just SO depressing! I assume you felt the same way, but you were the only one bold enough to do something about. You just went to town on that hallway wall with that marker. And it was so creative too! I mean, “@#%$ you”! Who would have that of something that creative! It is just so anti-establishment. It’s like I live next to Johnny Rotten, but less British and way more artistic!
On the topic of improving the look of our surroundings, I thought the thing you did with the cupcake on the front step was a stroke of genius. That is normally a thing that someone would eat, but not you! No sir! You looked at that cupcake and created a wonderful piece of art! I assume that by smashing a cupcake on the front step, you were attempting to show the futility of life. It’s pretty Avant-garde if I do say so myself. Plus the way the frosting was tracked all over the carpet has really brightened up that drab gray. You really should be an interior designer.
Also, congratulations on finding the perfect volume to play 90’s rap. Anyone who does not have their Snoop Dog or DMX at a volume that could potentially damage hearing permanently just does not understand how music is supposed to be experienced. If Snoop’s voice isn’t loud enough that the people outside of the building can hear him letting us know he has his mind on his money and his money on his mind, you might as well just sit there in silence.
Some people would say that you are a bad neighbor. To those people, I would say, “SHUT UP YOU COMPLETE MORON!” Then I would spit at them and kick them in their shins. You are a great neighbor! Don’t let anyone hold you down. I would say take it up a notch. Start shooting fireworks off in the hallway or smashing entire cakes on the stairway. You are an inspiration to us all. Don’t let the man keep you down.