Things That Worry Me #634: Shrinking
Earlier today, I was walking around my apartment when I realized that I was walking on the cuff of my pants. I don’t recall this ever being a problem before. What if I’m shrinking? It seems like 26 is too young to start shrinking, but I’m not a doctor. Maybe I would understand this more if I had paid attention to “Grey’s Anatomy” while my wife was watching it.
Okay, now I’m really worried. I went to WebMD and used their symptom checker. Shrinking isn’t even an option. The list goes straight from “Pain and Discomfort” to “Stiffness”. What does that mean? Do I have a disease that hasn’t ever been discovered before? That means there would be no cure and I would spend the last few days of my life being poked and prodded by specialists.
What if this isn’t the end of it? I watched “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids” growing up and it didn’t seem too bad, I guess. There was that really sad part where their newfound ant friend died saving them from the scorpion. SCORPIONS! If I shrunk, I wouldn’t even have a chance of defeating a scorpion. If my bizarre shrinking disease didn’t kill me first, then the scorpions would get me.
Just in case I do keep shrinking, I should start stashing food away on the floor. I don’t want to starve to death, after all. I’ll just sprinkle a few crumbs here or there, then when I get so small people can’t see me I won’t have to worry about food. I’ll just grab one of my crumbs, take it back to my makeshift tiny hut, and have a little tiny feast.
My wife was talking about sweeping the floor today. That means that she is going to sweep up my tiny emergency food supply. Why would she want me to starve to death? I guess the only reasonable decision here would be to destroy the vacuum and broom so she has no choice but to let my food stay on the floor.
Of course, that means the floor will get dirtier and dirtier. Now I’m pretty sure my food is going to be full of all kinds of germs. I’m going to eat tiny, germ-infested food and die. Then the scorpions are going to feast on my tiny dead corpse. If only I hadn’t gotten up off of the couch, I could continue on in life unaware that at some point I would become scorpion food.
I just got great news. When I put on my pants today, I thought I had put on the pair with a 30” length. On accident, though, I put on the very similar pair of pants I have that happen to have a 32” length. I will admit, I feel a bit silly after all that. There was absolutely no need to worry at all, and here I was getting all worked up.
I really hope that stress didn’t give me an ulcer…