It’s that time of year again. The time for everyone who hasn’t already forgotten their New Year’s resolutions to eat only junk in the name of football. The time for us to all watch a bunch of overgrown men slam into each other in the name of concussions, but more importantly in the name of a really big shiny trophy.
Super Bowl XLVIII pits the Seattle Seahawks against the Denver Broncos. On one team, you have an aging quarterback named Peyton Manning. On the other, you have a young quarterback. He is also aging just like everyone else in the world, but is not as aged as Peyton Manning. More importantly, though, we have commercials. So many commercials. Billions of dollars of commercials. Some will make you cry, others will make you laugh. Others will not evoke any sort of emotion, but will also be present.
For those who do not have the opportunity to watch the game, I will be performing a very vital service of live blogging the entire game. Would I call myself a national hero for this sacrifice? Yes. Yes I would.
Check back for updates throughout the game.
3:34: As part of the pregame show, Bill O’Reilly interviews Barack Obama. He wears a tie, Barack Obama does not. I would imagine that Bill feels drastically overdressed and will probably spend the rest of the night cursing at himself for his dapperness.
3:36: Bill O’Reilly asks why HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius is not fired yet. You know, because that is the Super Bowl information we all need before the big game.
3:38: Things get very tense between Bill and Barack. The awkwardness is so awkward that there should be some sort of new word to describe it. I would propose uncomfortkwardness, but I am open to suggestions.
3:56: There is a lot of talk about the Seattle Seahawks roster. Meanwhile, I am busy wondering who would win a fight: a hawk or a bronco? My money would be on the hawk unless the bronco is armed.
3:58: There is a spoof of “What Does The Fox Say?” In it, they say the hawk goes “Caw-Caw”. I question whether they were thinking clearly while making this and whether I’m the only one immature enough to realize this could also mean the hawk is pooping.
4:03: The obligatory feel good story begins. The Broncos’ coach underwent heart surgery and almost died, now he is in the Super Bowl. Oddly enough, no one cries during the interview including John Fox’s wife. Apparently they’re all dead inside.
4:08: Michael Strahan threatens to find the Super Bowl trophy, keep it, and take it home. Michael Strahan is a 6’5″ 255 pound hall of fame defensive end. I wonder how many security guards it would take to slow him down if he isn’t joking. I hope they all are armed with tasers just in case.
4:15: They send Erin Andrews to reinterview Seattle cornerback Richard Sherman. The last time there was an interview, it went like this:
Needless to say, it did not go well. He refrains from screaming this time, though. He must be on a new prescription. Erin Andrews must feel relieved.
4:27: Seattle Quarterback Russell Wilson is interviewed and talks about memories with his late father. There is extra sad music in the background. Meanwhile, my wife is yelling at me because our toilet won’t stop running and someone needs to fix it immediately. Talk about a mood killer.
4:28: The toilet stops running. The world can now continue.
4:33: I learn that the pregame show is the “Muppets: Most Wanted Pregame Show”. I really wish it was hosted by Muppets. I’m sure Gonzo has some really interesting insights into football mechanics.
4:34: Peyton Manning is interviewed about being old. He talks about how he is getting old and how he used to be young, but is not anymore. Then he says he would retire if the doctor said he has to retire. If we are to learn anything from this, it’s that listening to your doctor is a good idea, even to NFL quarterbacks.
4:43: Conan O’Brien and a series of other comedians appear in a spoof of movie trailers. It makes fun of New York for beverage laws and traffic. Then Chuck Norris appears. I’m really confused by what just happened, but I think it was funny.
4:46: Hall of fame Defensive End Michael Strahan declares that he likes defense. It’s good to know that he didn’t spend all of these years in the NFL hating what he did.
4:51: As is done every year (at least according to the people hosting the pregame), the Declaration of Independence is read. Martin Sheen introduces it. Between this and the interview with Barack Obama, I get concerned that I have accidentally turned on a channel with educational value. This would be the worst thing to ever happen as today is not a day for learning, but a day for chicken wings and watching grown men give themselves brain damage.
4:57: My wife and I head to our Super Bowl party. She declares that we are going to “get fat and watch football like Americans.” I’m not sure her heart is in the right place, but I admire her efforts.
5:10: Queen Latifah sings “America, the Beautiful”. As patriotic as it is, all I can think is “that’s the lady from ‘Last Holiday’.”
5:18: The teams are introduced. My wife calls the Broncos’ mascot is “stupid”.
5:21: The National Anthem is sung by an Opera singer. Not being classy enough to know who she is, I can’t tell you her name. I can tell you it was extra-operay.
5:28: The coin is flipped by two old retired quarterbacks. Joe Namath messes up the coin flip so they redo it. He is also wearing a huge fur coat. I wonder if I could pull that look off…
5:29: My wife says I could “absolutely not” pull it off.
5:34: 12 seconds into the game, the Broncos snap the ball over Peyton Manning’s head and the Seahawks get a safety. Not a great start. 2-0 Seattle.
5:44: I want more pizza. The issue is it is all the way across the room. Plus there is only one pizza for the entire party. I silently question whether I am willing to take another person’s pizza.
5:47: Field goal. 5-0 Seattle.
5:48: Chevy has a commercial that ends with a bull preparing to mate. I feel like I should be more uncomfortable with this than I am.
6:04: Ellen Degeneres dances with bears in a commercial. There is no bloodshed and she survives the commercial. I vote this the least realistic commercial of the evening.
6:07: Seattle field goal. 8-0 Seahawks.
6:11: Well, I waited too long and now the pizza is all gone. Now I’m stuck with chips and guacamole. Not a bad consolation prize, but I am tempted to hunt down the person who finished the pizza with a vengeance.
6:16: The first quarter ends. Seattle is up 8-0.
6:17: The first godaddy.com commercial comes on. For the first time in years, it doesn’t involve women bing mildly inappropriate. Across America, thousands of sad men are very disappointed.
6:23: Touchdown Seahawks. 15-0 Seattle. Most people at the party are very disappointed. I also am, but it’s still because of the pizza.
6:30: A dog just licked me on the mouth. I’m not sure if he had previous licked himself, but he probably had. It was really friendly, though, so I guess I’m okay with it.
6:38: Peyton Manning throws another interception. Seattle intercepts it and returns it a very long distance for a touchdown. 22-0. Peyton Manning looks very sad. I hope someone will give him a hug at halftime.
6:43: Now the Broncos fumble the kickoff and Seattle gets it. Everyone is busy talking about a Pistachio commercial, so I’m the only one at the party that sees it happen, so I’m the only one who reacts. Nothing feels more awkward then being the only person in a room reacting to something.
6:45: The refs change their mind and say it wasn’t a fumble. The refs are very indecisive.
6:54: The Broncos go for it on fourth down. It was a bad decision. Right after that, though, is a commercial featuring the Muppets. I’m sure that makes the Broncos’ fans feel better.
6:58: Halftime. 22-0 Seattle.
7:06: A commercial for Jerry Seinfeld’s web series is on. We all laugh. I want Jerry Seinfeld to adopt me.
7:09: The halftime show starts with an incredibly dramatic intro. A choir appears as if from nowhere. Then Bruno Mars has a nice long drum solo. Because drum solos are what everyone wanted for the halftime show.
7:12: Apparently Bruno Mars feels like he’s been locked out of heaven for too lo-o-o-ong. I wonder if he realizes that, biblically, Satan is the only being who was locked out of heaven…
7:16: The Red Hot Chile Peppers come on stage shirtless. I wonder when the last time was they all wore shirts at the same time…
7:25: The announcers declare that this was one of the great halftime shows. The announcers are paid by the people who put on the show. I bet that’s just a coincidence.
7:31: On the kickoff to start the half, the Seahawks returned it for a touchdown. 29-0 Seattle.
7:40: The dog comes back to my lap. This time, he doesn’t lick my mouth. “Why doesn’t he love me anymore?” I mutter to myself as my head droops in sadness.
7:47: FOX shows Michael Douglas eating a hot dog. Michael Douglas is so classy that even with a hot dog, he looks like a complete gentleman. If he needs a new best friend, I’m in.
7:55: At the beginning of the game, the experts thought it would be really close. Well, Denver just fumbled the ball again. Denver apparently hates scoring. That is not ideal for a team trying to win a championship.
8:03: Seattle scores again. 36-0. It has gotten so bad that my wife declares it “sad”. You can tell a sporting event is out of hand when she makes such a strong statement.
8:06: Bob Dylan is in a Chrysler commercial. Bob Dylan! I have seen him in concert twice and he didn’t say a thing at either concert. Now he is selling cars. Seeing Bob Dylan speak was so shocking the entire party just spent 3 minutes debating whether it really was Bob Dylan. Google was invented to settle these arguments.
8:12: The Broncos score! They scored! I assume after watching the rest of the game that this was an accident. After a 2-point conversion, the score is 36-8.
8:23: Another Seattle touchdown. 43-8. Somewhere on the Denver sideline, Peyton Manning is considering the appropriate retaliation against his failing teammates. I bet he keys all of their cars when they get home.
8:36: Remember Richard Sherman, the guy who said he was the best? It was that YouTube clip way up there? Anyway, he injured his ankle. Apparently he isn’t the best ever when it comes to maintaining ankle integrity.
8:48: The Broncos fumble again. My wife makes sure that I realize this is “really sad” now.
8:49: The Seattle quarterback leaves the game because he doesn’t need to play anymore.
8:50: Two-minute warning.
8:55: The game ends. Seattle wins 43-8. Denver does not win anything. Peyton Manning, already plotting revenge against his teammates, has decided against the keying of their cars and will now deflate all of their tires instead. I realize I have not gone to the bathroom all game and desperately need to go.
Overall, this was the least exciting Super Bowl ever. It was not a Super Bowl. It was the Okay Bowl at best. The commercials were not great and the game was VERY one-sided. On the bright side, though, there were a lot of dreadlocks in the game.
I think we can all agree hair was the big winner of Super Bowl XLVIII. Plus I got to see Bob Dylan in a commercial, so the game was not a complete loss.