As a society, we are all on the hunt for perfection. We want to find the ultimate best at every single thing ever. If we think we have found the best, we will argue tooth and nail with anyone who dares to have the audacity to question our decision that something is the best.
While the debate surrounding the ultimate and most perfect of many things has gone undecided, there is one debate that was settled long ago.
Tea is the perfect drink.
How could tea not be the perfect beverage? There is something for everyone. Do you like a nice hot beverage for relaxing? Well, tea does it! What about a cooler drink? Tea comes iced too! It’s not sweet enough? Add some sugar! You can even add honey! Is it too sweet now? Well, you added too much honey, you idiot! Add more tea!
You can even combine tea with other drinks. A famous golfer one time added lemonade to tea creating an Arnold Palmer. To this day, people still will walk into a restaurant and tell their server “I’ll have an Arnold Palmer.” Then that server gets it for them without having to ask what exactly an Arnold Palmer is. I’m sure Arnold is very proud of his golfing past, but you know if he hears someone ordering that drink, he thinks to himself, “Yes, order my drink. Do my bidding, you sheep. ”
Yesterday, I was feeling really low. My head had become a receptacle used solely for the storage of snot. There were piles of snot, gobs of snot. Snot of all types and varieties had found a home inside the inner-workings of my head.
I tried a great number of things to get that snot out. First, I used some tissues. Yes, it helped, but not nearly enough. Then I gave medicine a shot. Still no sign of improvement. I spent a great deal of time hoping my coworkers liked me enough to alert me to a fire. If something started smoldering, I had no way of smelling it. It would be a shame to die because of your snot.
Then last night, I had some tea. Like a miracle my head was clear. I could smell again. At no point in my day was I forced to breathe solely through my mouth. There is no doubt in my mind that this was solely because of my hot tea. Not only is it the most perfect beverage, it cures illnesses.
Fun tea fact: In 2012, Americans consumed 79 billion servings of tea. That’s enough to fill 7,476 Olympic size swimming pools. Of course, this would be a massive waste of swimming pools and of tea. Tea is the perfect beverage, not the perfect water to immerse yourself in.
There are numerous health benefits to tea. Did you know that tea can prevent cancer? Also, as already pointed out, TEA MAKES YOUR SNOT LEAVE YOUR HEAD FOR GOOD! I don’t know if there is a marketing strategy for tea, but if there isn’t, I propose the following motto:
Tea: Say goodbye to that headful of snot. If this doesn’t suit their fancy, I have about a dozen more ideas. All of them involve the word snot, though, so I hope that isn’t the part they have an issue with.
I would even be the official spokesperson for tea. I would be like Jared from Subway, but instead of talking about sandwiches and how fat I was, I will talk about tea and how much easier it is to breathe now.
I wonder if it’s too late to cut a Super Bowl ad…