I Will Take My Billion Dollars Now, Please

It looks like it is finally about to be my time. After all of the work and the effort, I am about to be rolling in the dough. I plan on building a tower to fill with my riches ala Scrooge McDuck. I probably won’t dive into them knowing how germy money really is, but it would be nice to look at my new found tower of wealth.

That’s right, folks. I am about to become a billionaire.

According to Rob Wile of Business Insider, the company of extremely wealthy old guy Warren Buffett has announced a new contest. This March, when the NCAA basketball tournament comes around, the company will pay out $1 billion to any person who accurately predicts every single game. That’s billion with a “b”.

For those unfamiliar with the NCAA tournament, let me explain how this works. Each year, the NCAA picks 68 basketball teams to compete in a really big tournament. Inevitably every year, a team you have heard of such as North Carolina, or UNC, plays against a team like Northwestern East Carolina University of Technology and Agriculture, or NECUTA. Somehow each year, one of the big teams loses to this unfamiliar and possibly completely made up college.

You might be saying, “Hey, how can you possibly expect to win a billion dollars? I mean, what are the odds for this kind of thing? Also, I’m pretty sure NECUTA isn’t a real college at all. I think you’re just making things up. Why didn’t you just put in the effort to look up a real college? It seems like pretty lazy writing to me…”

First, thank you for your feedback, but if I wanted to know how lazy my writing seems, I would send it to my high school English teacher. Secondly, the odds are a bit skewed in the favor of Buffett. The chances of filling out a bracket correctly are 1 in 9,200,000,000,000,000,000. I’m not too worried, though. I have experience on my side.

See, in the sixth grade, my teacher Mr. Doolittle laid out a contest for us. The child with the best bracket would win a McDonald’s lunch. As a 12-year-old, this was a dream come true. All any grade school kid wants is to have a fast food lunch while all of their friends are stuck eating some sort of microwaved burrito that has caused food poisoning a handful of times in the past, but really is quite tasty. The thought of rubbing it in while you dined on the finest cuisine that the golden arches had to offer brought pure jubiliation to every kid.

I immediately got to work. Arizona winning here, Kentucky there. If anyone had watched me fill this out, it would have seemed like a scene from “A Beautiful Mind”, me envisioning scores and teams soaring around me as I feverishly wrote, wearing my pencil to a nub.

Finally it was done. We watched for the next couple of weeks. One by one the other students saw their brackets destroyed by the NECUTAs of the world. Then, finally, the championship finished. There, above everyone else, sat my bracket. My glorious bracket. I had correctly predicted half of the games, a feat that I feel should be mentioned in some hall of fame somewhere.

Do not forget that this was at age 12. I don’t want to imply that I was a prodigy, some sort of college basketball idiot savante, but I think it would be hard to argue that I wasn’t. Now, 14 years later, I have much more life experience on my side. I have viewed dozens of basketball games, observing the ups and downs of the game. I think that my obvious natural abilities combined with my life experience should improve my chances of winning to about 1 in 5.

I would like to say that when I’m a billionaire I won’t forget about all of the small people like you. That isn’t true at all. I will definitely forget all about you. It’s a very easy thing to do when one owns their own island country.

I look forward to joining Warren Buffett in the super-rich guy club very soon. Maybe we can go diving into my money tower together.

I wonder if you can bathe in Purell…

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6 thoughts on “I Will Take My Billion Dollars Now, Please

  1. Personally, I like to practice my divine statistical predictions by choosing which nitwit is going to win The Bachelor and also estimating how many licks it truly takes to get to the center of a Blow Pop. “Who’s The Father” is a another fun bracket to fill out while watching Maury.

    Good luck to you.

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