Thanks For the Stinky Memories, Flightmate

Dear person sitting near me on my flight home,

Hello. I am the gentleman from row 21. If you’re sitting there worried that you met me and don’t remember my name, you can stop worrying. We have never met. I’m not even sure where you are currently sitting on this plane. As far as I know, we only share two things in common. First, we both have chosen the flying machine for travel. Secondly is we can both smell your food.

I would like to speak to you about the latter.

I don’t know what you brought on the plane. To me, it smells like beef stew. Maybe it is something else beef related. Beef Stroganov, an entire roast. I don’t know what you like to travel with.

I myself have enjoyed these foods many times. They are always quite delicious. The difference between when I enjoy them and when you do it is I feel that these foods are meant for the privacy of one’s own home. When you  are in an enclosed space, maybe you should  avoid foods that smell like stewed meats.

To make this a bit easier, I have made a list of acceptable foods:

-Chips
-Pretzels
-Nuts
-Sandwiches (As long as they have not been made with fragrant cheeses or any sort of stewed meat.)
-Granola Bars
-Crackers
-Carrots
-Fruit
-Fruit snacks
-Anything with the word “fruit” in it
-Baked goods
-Candies
-Plastic, though I’m not sure why you would want to. It wouldn’t offend me if you did, though.

You will notice, I hope, that this list does not include anything that involves dead animals. That is because those foods tend to make the entire plane smell like garbage. I don’t know about you, but I prefer my enclosed spaces to smell NOTHING like garbage.

Now, to make sure you understand, I would like you to identify the foods that are not acceptable for airplanes out of this list:

A) Stewed meats
B) Pizzas
C) Gyros
D) Chinese food

That was a trick question. They are ALL unacceptable. If you did not choose all four, you really should go review my extensive list again.

Someday we may meet. You may walk up to me and apologize for having your beef on this flight, stinking up the entire plane. I will graciously accept your apology. Until then, though, you are enemy number one. You are the worst person on the planet in all of history and no I am not exaggerating.

There is the possibility, I suppose, that it is not food at all, but rather your very unpleasant body odor. If this is the case, I apologize. You really should see a doctor about that.

Love,
Nathan

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12 thoughts on “Thanks For the Stinky Memories, Flightmate

  1. Ugh. Don’t you hate it when people bring stinky food into places like that! I drive a bus. Where I used to drive, one was not allowed to bring hot food on the bus (unless, of course you are the driver and have your soup in a thermos which is tightly sealed against odours and leakage until lunch time). If someone had a kebab or a cup of hot chips in their hot little hand, they were not allowed on board. Heck, eating in general was banned on board those buses, but bringing any form of hot food except, perhaps, a roast chicken (or chook, as we Aussies say) home in your grocery shopping was forbidden. In fact, we drivers could refuse travel to anyone who was munching on a meat pie whilst boarding unless, of course, they disposed of it in the nearest rubbish bin before embarking. You might enjoy my blog post (see link below) about how I deal with smelly food on my bus in my old job. 😀 In my new job in a different city, passengers are allowed to bring stinky hot food on the bus, but are just not allowed to consume it whilst on board. So far I have had the joys (?!) of smelling pizza, hot chips, Subway, KFC, McDonalds, BBQ chicken, kebabs and meat pies. I hate this because not only does it stink the bus up, but it also makes me very bloody hungry when I get a whif of some tantalizing (mind you, only SOME of these foods fall into this category) culinary delight.

    http://strawberryquicksand.wordpress.com/2013/06/17/escuse-me-driver-youre-a-wanker/

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  2. Haha, couldn’t agree more. I have this fish dish that I absolutely love however have made a conscious decision NOT to ever bring it into my open space work office. For obvious reasons as you have pointed out…no body wants to smell fishy wafts of fish smell in the office (or dead animal stew in your case.)

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  3. The Love, Nathan made the whole post perfect! You are my number one enemy and worst person on the planet! Love, Nathan – had me dying with laughter!
    I agree with the whole no smelly foods in enclosed areas. I never realized, however, that beef would fall under this category and have been guilty of bringing it to work. Will have to rethink this policy now

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    • Beef does not as a rule fall into that category. It is particularly smelly beef in particularly enclosed areas. If someone had stew at work, it wouldn’t bother me. In a plane, though, it’s a different story.

      Plus, I really just want to know where they got stew. That is not an airport food and it certainly is not an airplane food.

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