My dearest Facebook,
There’s no easy way to say this. We’ve been together for nine years. We’ve been through thick and thin, good and bad, other clichés that contrast two very opposite things. We’ve had a lot of good times together, but we really need to talk.
I think it’s time for us to take a break.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re expecting me to do the whole “It’s not you, it’s me” thing. I won’t. After all that we’ve been through, all of the photos and status updates and the birthday wishes… so many birthday wishes… you deserve complete honesty.
It’s totally, 100%, without a doubt you. Not me, you.
When we started out, it was okay. I would log on every so often, laugh at a status update, then head on to the next life event. Eventually, we spent more time together. I used you more often. We would stay up through all hours of the night poking and liking. We grew even closer, spending hours on the phone together.
Somewhere, though, we lost the magic. Once again, not my fault. That would all fall on you.
I think it was around the 400th time someone invited me to visit their “farm” on Farmville. I started questioning whether you were really worth my attention anymore. What once was so simple had become very complicated quickly. I used to be able to just express myself to you, but all of a sudden you wanted to play games. It was like the things that had made our relationship special were no longer what was important to you. Instead it was all about ads. A lot of ads that were creepily accurate to my interests.
Lately, it’s been even worse. You have gotten so needy. I’ll be driving to work when my phone buzzes. It’s always just you wanting to let me know that someone I haven’t spoken to in years wants me to go to an event that I won’t be attending. Then I’ll be sitting at home after a hard day’s work, just trying to relax, when you feel it necessary to let me know that a friend posted 18 new pictures.
I would just try to go along with it and humor you, but you won’t drop it. The other day, someone posted on my wall letting me know what they were eating for lunch. The alert popped up on my phone, I glanced at it and moved on. Just a couple of days later, you had emailed. Apparently that person was waiting for me to see their post on my timeline. I knew the truth, though.
You just wanted an excuse to see me.
I’m flattered by all of the attention, but I’m just not interested in that type of relationship now. If I needed a clingy social media, I would go back to MySpace.
In conclusion, we should spend some time apart. You know, because you kind of suck.