Dear Barack Obama and/or any other public official this might pertain to,
Happy 2014! I’m sure you are ready for 2013 to be over. With the launch of Healthcare.gov and the government shutdown, the number of Americans who disapprove of you has jumped up 10%. That’s not good for you at all. If I found out that people who complained about me jumped 10% over the course of a year, I would probably spend a lot of time curled up in a fetal position muttering “Why? Why do they all hate me?”
I guess that’s why I’m writing to you. I’m concerned. See, I feel bad for anyone who made 31.4 million people dislike them over the course of a single year. I mean, that’s over 86,000 per day. If I could, I would give you a big hug and tell you it’s going to be okay. Fortunately for you, though, I can’t hug you without a Taser attack from your secret service.
Instead, I have unhatched the perfect plan to put you back in everyone’s good graces.
I have spent the entire day at home today. My office, like most offices in the country, closes for New Year’s Day. Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy to have a day off. I like days off quite a bit.
Unfortunately, though, the stupid 2014 calendar placed New Year’s Day on a Wednesday. That means that I have a day off in the middle of the week, only to be expected to go back to work the next day. I don’t know who’s to blame for this, though I’m pretty sure that if I had a time machine I would be having a very tense and awkward conversation with Pope Gregory XIII about his dumb calendar. I don’t know what I ever did to the pope who invented our modern-day calendar system, but he clearly has it out for me. (This paragraph has been provided by Google. Google: Telling you exactly which Pope Gregory invented the calendar since 1996.*)
This is where you come in. See, I would bet my entire life savings ($43.96) that everyone that has to work tomorrow feels the same way I do. They are also Googling Pope Gregory XIII just so they know exactly whose name they should be cursing. A single day off followed by two work days is one of the worst injustices on this planet in history. No, I do not think I’m exaggerating.
If you were to enact a law stating that holidays in the middle of the week must be celebrated by closing the office until the next Monday, your approval rating would skyrocket. By my estimation, it would jump from 42.6% to 82.5%. You would probably have your face etched into Mount Rushmore. Your birthdate might become a federally mandated holiday giving me ANOTHER day to stay home.
Just think about it. If you could think about really quickly though, I would appreciate it. I really would like to sleep in tomorrow.
*Fun fact: When trying to figure out what year Google was invented, I Googled Google. It’s a miracle that the universe did not disappear into nothingness.
- New Year’s Day is too soon after Christmas. Let’s move it back to its proper place – in March (blogs.telegraph.co.uk)
- Isn’t their anyone who knows what New Year’s is all about? (xohollygolightly.wordpress.com)
- How January 1 Became the First Day of the Year (dotwillis.wordpress.com)