Why Does My Bed Refuse To Do Its Job?

Trett (English: Tired ) from 1885

This is what I felt like (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Tuesday started off very poorly.

I awoke to the sound of my alarm clock. After hitting snooze until the very last second I could, I crawled out of bed. I stood up straight and immediately realized two things. I was still tired. Not regular tired, but somehow after a full night’s sleep, I was more tired than before I went to bed. This is not good as the entire point of going to bed was to not be tired when I awoke.

I walked to the bathroom. As if the lack of awakeness (not a word, but should be) was not bad enough, with each step I was forced to wince. My back felt like I had received back walking massage from André the Giant. Somehow, I had gone to bed and woken up very tired and in pain.

I went to work and did my job to the best of my abilities. I thought about curling up under my desk and taking a nap for a bit, but there are a lot of cables down there and with my luck one of them would somehow electrocute me. Electrocution is the last thing I needed.

I got home and collapsed on the couch. I was exhausted. I turned on a show on Hulu and could feel my body giving in to the fatigue. This could be a problem, I thought. I began to weigh the pros and cons. On the one hand, falling asleep would make me feel much less tired. That is a plus. On the other hand, sleeping on a couch does not help a person with a sore back. I briefly thought about moving to the bed.

Then I woke up.

I have no idea how long I was asleep. Hulu had played through at least two episodes of “Happy Endings” and I was awakened by the ending of an episode of “The Middle.” How many shows played in between I do not know. As one would expect, though, I was less tired. I did, however, have the worst pain in my neck and back.

I tried to figure out ways to make my back and neck feel better. I could do a lot of stretching, but that would eventually just make me tired again. Then I would end up right back on the couch and the whole cycle would continue.

Maybe I could go get a massage. They would work out every kink in my back and neck. Of course, they would also play new age pan flute music in the background, music that is very conducive to sleeping. While I do not know this for a fact, I assume that if you fall asleep, the masseuse will stop massaging you. Then you will wake up on a hard table, your head in a weird hole, wondering why your back hurts so much.

There seemed to be no good answer. I could take a bath, but it would be so relaxing I would fall asleep and possibly drown. Breathing exercises might relax my back, but I would be so focused on breathing correctly that I would likely become mentally exhausted. I could just have my back surgically removed, but I would still be tired and, according to most medical journals, very dead.

In the end, I decided to try to end it the way it all began: I went to bed. Theoretically, this is the only place where one should get rest and wake up with all of their muscles feeling 100%.

Or I would just wake up more tired and sore. Apparently my bed has that effect.

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9 thoughts on “Why Does My Bed Refuse To Do Its Job?

  1. My bed doesn’t do its job either, so I understand your pain. I have yet to understand how I could go to bed only relatively sleepy and wake up with the mother of all headaches.

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  2. “New age pan flute music…” I love it. You’ve definitely captured the massage stereotype. Maybe just play your own pan flute music at home and you’ll get better sleep.

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  3. It sounds like you need a new mattress. I have been getting a sore back from my mattress for a long time now. Last time I was getting a sore back and then bought a new mattress, all my aches and pains dissapeared overnight! I woke up similarly to you yesterday morning and, as it was my husband’s day off work, I convinced him that mattress shopping would be just what he needed to spend his day off doing. We headed off to Snooze where we told the saleslady our budget and she promptly instructed us to lie down on one that was.. well, twice our budget. We complied, but then tested out the cheaper model, which, we were informed, would come with a two week wait.

    We told the saleslady we had only just started looking and then toddled off to drive around Fyshwick, the furniture store mecca of Canberra. We then spied a shop that proclaimed to sell bedding and in we went. We found one that was on sale at 20% off, lay down on it, decided that it was awesome and then asked when it would be available. The sales man came back with the deal clincher “immediately”. We paid for our purchase (a mere $800), drove round to the warehouse collection bay, piled the mattress in the back of the ute and drove home to a good night’s sleep!

    I woke up this morning at 9.15am (oh the benefits of being unemployed.. but truly, I’d just rather have my job back, but that’s another story) with nary an ache or pain to be felt. Bliss! Get yourself a new mattress, Nathan!

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  4. The masseuse does not stop massaging you. He/she kills you. I mean, I’m sure it’s scientifically proven somewhere. What job satisfaction do you get from massaging other people’s backs? I for on, would not appreciate the hairy backs that come in.

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