Pillows: Man’s Best Friend

English: A pile of pillows.

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

You know how people say that a dog is man’s best friend? That’s wrong. A dog is a man’s responsibility. A dog is a little poop factory that’s only goal in life is to eat food directly off of your plate the second you turn around. If anything, dogs are man’s neediest friend.

There is only one true friend that mankind has. That is the perfect broken in pillow.

It was walking through the store one day when I spotted my new friend. I was headed to the checkout in a hurry. There is no place less pleasant than Wal-Mart on a Saturday. I may be wrong, but I think many theologians have postulated that this is exactly what Hell is like.

As I neared the checkout, my wife stopped.

“Hey, why don’t we get new pillows,” she said. I turned, looking longingly at the checkout. Each second I was here was one more second of my life I would never get back.

Sensing my hesitancy, she furthered her point. “You REALLY need one.”

This is true. I am apparently a very rough sleeper. I don’t know what happens at night while I’m sleeping as I am, of course, asleep. Somehow, though, my pillows go from being extra-firm to being little more than a thin piece of fabric with one or two pieces of fluff inside. The only answer I can dream up involves me dreaming that I am in a professional headbutting league and the championship is on the line. I feel like I would remember that dream, though.

I desperately needed a pillow, so I headed down the aisle, longing to be one of those husbands I saw walking out of the exit into a world free of morbidly obese people riding scooters down the potato chip aisle. There were countless choices. Firm, soft, extra-firm, feather-down, faux feather-down. It would be easy for a simpleton like me to be overwhelmed here. I felt like I needed a guide to navigate the treacherous pillow aisle, lest I end up with a pillow that causes cancer or murders people in their sleep. Stranger things have happened.

Then, there on the end, sat a stack of pillows I had never seen before. The label gleamed in the fluorescent lights. “Never-Flat.”

“How could this be?” I wondered. There is no such thing as a never-flat pillow. My giant bulbous head could beat the stuffing out of any pillow on any day. Challenge accepted, pillow company.

That night, I opened my pillow. Slowly, very carefully, I placed it in its case.  I turned off the light and headed to bed for a nice night of sleep. I laid my head down…

On a rock. It was the hardest pillow ever. Apparently, the key to making a pillow never-flat is filling the inside with cement. It’s hard for a human head to flatten cement.

Determined to make this relationship work, I continued trying. Night after night, I lay down on my marble slab and drifted into an uncomfortable, neck-wrenching sleep. I thought about switching it out for a flat, but time-tested pillow, but my stubbornness would not allow it. I had paid perfectly good money for this pillow, not to mention had to stand in a line behind an extreme-couponer to pay for it. I will learn to love this pillow.

Then one night, something magical happened. It was no longer hard. It was soft, perfectly contoured for my melon sized head. The pillow had relented and we had entered into a perfect harmonious relationship.

That is how I know this relationship is bound to last forever. All of the work we put in on both sides of our sleeping arrangement, we can’t let that go for anything. Unless someone makes an even better pillow. Something that never goes flat and has that perfect softness. Maybe it smells like vanilla too. That would be nice. It would be the perfect pillow and I could never turn that down…

Please don’t tell my pillow I said that. I can’t handle another night of sleeping on a rock.

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15 thoughts on “Pillows: Man’s Best Friend

  1. Ugh. Pillow shopping! I hate having to try to test a pillow that is in the shop. It is invariably stuffed into an air-filled plastic wrapping so it’s fluffiness/never go flatness cannot be gauged. One then must serruptitiously tear or bite a tiny hole in the corner of said plastic wrapper so the air can escape and one can get a more realistic idea of the fluffiness of the pillow. One then puts one’s hands underneath the now-deflated plastic-wrapped pillow, and one’s head on top of it to try to gauge pillow to head/neck ratio sutiability. More often than not, the air is now sucked out of the wrapper so said pillow is flatter than it will be, yet not yielding to hands-under/head-over test method. Then, once the pillow is home, as you discovered – it sucks! At least, Nathan, your patience and perserverance has paid off and you now have a comfortable pillow. Well done. 🙂

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  2. You crack me UP. I know you’re in a monogamous relationship with your new pillow, but if y’all have a falling out, check out “my pillow”. I saw it on an infomercial and actually bought one and LOVVVE it. A little pricey ($80) but worth every penny IMO. (Really hope your current pillow isn’t reading this).

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  3. marriage or pillow I get it. We had similar problems (pillow!) and forked out for a memory pillow for my husband. During the night I heard a loud bang. It was the noise of that ‘hard as rock’ pillow hitting the floor. My husband said he knew why it was called a memory pillow because he’d never forget it. Now looking back I see how he only tried for a few hours, yet you made such an effort. Mmm will chat to him about marriage commitment and making it work later!

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