All Of The World’s Worst People Back Into Parking Spots

Reverse Parking Fail!

Reverse Parking Fail! (Photo credit: thienzieyung)

I don’t usually use this blog space to state my personal beliefs. I usually avoid the hard hitting issues, preferring to talk about my love of peanut butter cups or my dislike anything that has ever been on “The Jersey Shore.” I feel, though, that I have been silent on one issue for far too long. I have finally had it, though, and I can’t hold it in anymore.

Hey idiots backing into parking spots! What you’re doing makes no sense, you big stupid dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb idiots!

For years, I’ve watched all kinds of seemingly intelligent people back into parking spots. I came across one just the other day as I was trying to go to work. He began backing in before realizing that he was about to slam the back of his car into the blue Honda on his right. He then pulled forward and tried again. Surprisingly, it still didn’t work. After several minutes, he finally had that car jammed in there.

What a big stupid dumb guy.

When asked why people do this, the answer is always the same: it is sooooooo much easier to just pull out of your parking spot and go. This is true. I will not argue with that. I am nothing if not a rational, reasonable person who is willing to admit when a person has a good point.

It is, however, exponentially harder to back into a spot than just pull in. That means it really should be the same. You back in, you pull out. You pull in, you back out. At the very least, you are breaking even on the difficulty of your parking lot maneuvers.

It doesn’t usually go as simply as that, though. While I very rarely have to try multiple times to pull into or back out of a parking spot in my large cumbersome vehicle, the parking spot back-iners usually have multiple tries. To showcase this point, I have had a professional illustrate the typical routes into a parking spot:

 

Pulling into a spot...

Pulling into a spot…

Backing into a spot

Backing into a spot

As you can see, one of them is significantly less convenient.

To illustrate this point further, I would like to examine it with one of my favorite subjects: a delicious can of Diet Mountain Dew. When one is enjoying a can of Diet Mountain Dew, they pour the beverage out of the can into their mouths. It is a delightfully delicious experience that makes everyone happy. This is like backing out of a parking spot. You start in a small space, aka the can, then you are able to just pour out of it into the giant area behind you. It is still delightful, though admittedly less crisp and refreshing.

Now take that same can of Diet Mountain Dew. With the delicious soda still in your mouth, try to spit it back into the can. It is significantly less pleasant, usually full of leakage. It will also give you a can of spittle, but that is beside the point. This is like backing into a parking spot. You are metaphorically trying to take that mouthful of vehicle and spit it into the can, or parking spot. It is not easy and you will make everyone hate you, particularly if they really wanted a drink of that Diet Mountain Dew.

As I have mentioned, I am not unreasonable. There are certain situations when backing into a spot is helpful. These are the acceptable times:

-When you are unloading a large amount of things from your trunk.

-When you are loading a large amount of things into your trunk.

-When a stranger holds a gun to your head and says “Back into that parking spot!”

-When you are driving the getaway car for a robbery. This will help you get away faster, so that’s nice, though you should probably look for a different career path.

In conclusion, we all make mistakes. I made the mistake of trying that Diet Mountain Dew experiment and ruining an entire can of beverage. Talk about making a big old error gigante!

You, however, can stop from making the same mistake over and over. You can save yourself that horrible fate. No longer will you be a slave to your desire of parking in reverse. More importantly, you can also save me the unpleasantness of waiting for you to park your car. Please, please save me that unpleasantness. I’m begging you.

You do not have to be one of the stupidest people in the history of the human race. All it takes is a little parking knowledge.

Is anyone else thirsty for Diet Mountain Dew now?

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41 thoughts on “All Of The World’s Worst People Back Into Parking Spots

  1. Amazing! This needs to be published. This needs to be published in every news paper, in every magazine, on every telephone pole, on every flyer under the windshield wiper! Excellent illustration as well.

    Thank you!!!

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  2. I’m a serial backer-inner. I’ll know you’re watching me when I start getting pelted by cans of Mountain Dew at the grocery store. Just remember, I can escape my parking spot quickly and run you down!

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  3. LOL! While, as a woman, I should be highly insulted (as my fairer race seems to have the most trouble with this maneuver), I’m applauding you instead! No one seems to know how to back into a space anymore.
    As someone who’s constantly towing a boat and backing it into the water – those with seeming nautical skills are even worse and take up the whole ramp (this commenter excluded from that group of course). Translating that into a parking space with a single vehicle is just a piece of cake!

    Yummm……cake…..

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  4. The difference is that backing into a spot you can see that it is free of obstacles and moving traffic, whereas backing out the unknowns are more difficult to determine. This post then, like your metaphor, is flawed but refreshing.

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  5. I thought I’d point out the stupidity of this article. Go talk to a driving instructor. Statistically it’s safer to back in. You also are likely to damage the front valence on your car.

    While your diagram is nice, it’s not factual. It’s extremely easy to park backing in.

    Posting articles like this is just irresponsible.

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    • Thank you for your feedback! Wow, you feel very strongly about this! The thing is, it would be statistically safer IF people could back their cars up correctly. They cannot. How many times have you seen someone try to parallel park and, because they can’t reverse correctly, it takes them longer than the time it would have taken for you to get out, go to city hall, petition for a new parking space to be put in, waded through all of the bureaucratic paperwork to get a positive decision, and then parked in that spot? The answer is a lot.

      People should not all try to back into spots because, unless they are driving an ambulance, firetruck, or other emergency vehicle, they do not need to leave in hurry. If you are adept at backing into parking spots, then huzzah for you.

      Mostly, though, you should remember that this is A BLOG AND I AM NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUS AT ANY POINT IN TIME! Now, I invite you unbunch your panties, remove that stick that you clearly have stuck deep inside your posterior, and relax.

      Like

  6. Pingback: Thanks For Commenting. Now Please Leave Me Alone. | The Life and Times of Nathan Badley...

  7. You are forgetting that when you back OUT of a parking space, you are backing into a space where people are driving, not paying attention, and pedestrians may be present as well. You have less visibility, and ALL of the liability. If the coast is clear when you enter the parking lot, you can back in without inconveniencing anyone. Also, I’m not sure what sort of disability your backer-inner had, but I do it in one shot. So you see, it’s not really smart to back out of a parking spot, you are endangering people and also jeopardizing your insurance rates.

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  8. I thought this was just me who becomes irritated to the point of fuming at this. I hate when people do dumb shit for no reason. I mean one or the other – do something intelligent for no reason or do something dumb for a good reason – I can handle that – but doing dumb shit for no reason irks the hell out of me. I think a lot of dumb things people do they arent even sure why they do themselves and a lot of dumb shit people do they do because other people do it. Whenever I see someone back into a spot I try to get a look at them to learn more about these people. I have asked two people why they do it and got similar weak answers – one guy was a short bald middle mgmt man with anger issues who told me once he had dreams of being an actor and who as it turns out made up stories and ended up cheating on me . He told me backs into spots because he has done that since he was a teenager when there were a lot of cars at his house. He said something about how it was “easier because ther were so many cars” (?) Another person told me they do that because it is easier to see where you are going when you are leaving. No doubt. Both really weak illogical answers considering the fact that it is much harder to back into a small space coming in than just back out into the large space of the parking lot drive area as you are leaving. Another theory is that it has something to do with being in control. I deduced this from picking a friend up from his AA meeting and noticing that 13 of the 15 cars in the lot were backed in (most of them trucks too). At one point while I was sitting back in my car waiting trying to close my eyes for a bit this guy in a truck next to me spent literally 3 minutes trying to back his huge truck int othe spot next to mine. I was irate. I feel like this sort of senselessness is very similar to people that hold doors open for people in 20 degree whether from 20 feet away. As if they are doing some great deed of honor. I can open the door myself and you just let the heat out, idiot (and they get SO offended if you dont thank them for doing so). And I do think there is a bit of theater involved too…sorta like when someone just wants to stand out and does something pointless for that reason. If you really wanna stretch it we can get into how this kind of illogical shit I believe is partly bandwagon thinking is not far off from Nazi Germany murdering millions for weak illogical reasons partly because someone else gave them the idea that it made some sort of sense WHEN IT DOESNT. I think there are dumb people, average intelligent people, average intelligent people that THINK they are very intelligent and then very intelligent people. I feel like the category the people that back into spaces falls into is the average intelligence people that think they are smarter than they are.

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    • The large number of backers at AA is because they are alcoholics. I have noticed that alcoholics back in at bars and restaurants because they are usually sober on arrival. By the time they leave they can barely stand and backing out at that time would be difficult without hitting people and cars.

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  9. For impatient women and effeminent males that are not very good at backing up in the first place I can understand why it’s frustrating and panty bunching when you see someone back into a parking spot. You get get a pass ladies!
    However, if you call yourself a man and don’t understand the rules of the road or how to back a car up properly in any situation as stated in any drivers MAN-ual, then you need to go put on a skirt and panties so that real men won’t beat your ass for getting in a hissy fit when they are backing their vehicle into a parking spot.
    Seriously dude, how are you gonna back your vehicle up to hitch a trailer or a boat if you can’t even back into a parking spot? Or would you just leave that up to your wife?
    I know, it’s nerve racking while backing up when you have the driving skills of a teenage girl but it’s time to man up and learn how to drive a car compently like a man instead of trying to wuss everybody down so you feel better about your lack of skill in backing up a vehicle under pressure.
    People who back into parking spaces and drive forward out into traffic get in less accidents, research it. Stop being such a girl by complaining about masculine skills you don’t have ya big wuss!

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    • Dear reader,

      I wanted to take a second to thank you for your lovely comment. I know it must have been pretty difficult for you to tear yourself away from your shaping of wood, grunting, punching of things, trying to convince yourself that you really are of average size, and whatever other MANLY activities you normally participate in.

      Now, I clearly seem to have touched a very raw nerve here. I’m not sure what part of “the rules of the road” you find directions for parking, but I clearly missed this. In fact, now that I look, the Tennessee state driver’s manual only says that backing out of parking space “requires special caution and attention.” As an especially cautious and attentive driver, this seems okay with me.

      As far as backing my vehicle up to hitch a trailer or a boat, that isn’t an issue. I do not own either one. Also, since my car is a 1992 Ford Explorer, I can’t even RENT a trailer from U-Haul. They say it’s too dangerous or something. What a bunch of girls, am I right?! If I ever do own a boat, I have no plans to need to haul my own boat like a plebian. My boat will be yacht that is in a boatyard waiting for me. Any moving that needs done will be completed by my butler Reginald.

      Backing up is in no way nerve racking actually. It is just a gigantic waste of time for a superior driver like myself.

      In conclusion, you are an excellent troll. You have wasted everyone’s time complaining about a post that was entirely in jest, all while only proving one thing: all of the world’s worst people really do back into parking spots.

      Love,
      Nathan

      Like

      • Why so sensitive? Can’t you take a little ribbing yourself? I guess maybe I’m the one one who hit a nerve with you. Sorry princess.
        You actually looked up backing out of a parking space? That’s pretty funny that you did. Why? I thought the topic here was about backing into a parking space.
        Yawn…you’re obviously not as bright as you think you are.
        And as for trolling, at least I don’t blog to troll.

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      • Dear Okipuri (If that is your real name),

        I can take ribbing quite a bit! I’m a big ribbing fan. I love a good ribbing as much as the next person. On my tombstone, I would like it to say “Here lies the biggest ribbery fan in all of ribberdom.”

        As for the fact that you think I am a princess, you could have called me so much worse. For instance, you could have called me an overly machismo piece of human excrement who is clearly masking their feelings of inferiority by belittling others with outdated clichéd ideas regarding gender roles and their influence on society and someone’s ability to park correctly. Or, you know, something along those lines. And you are so wrong! I looked up “parking,” not backing out of parking spots! It took me a solid 30 seconds of my life. Now, I know there are better things I could have done with those 30 seconds. For instance, there are several adorable kitten videos on Youtube. And I know, a real man isn’t supposed to like kittens. Well, I don’t care! Kittens are adorable. I also like puppies and videos of yawning baby pandas. So sue me.

        And I am exactly as bright as I think I am! On a scale of 1-10 brightness, I am a solid five. You can’t take that away from me, Mr. Okipuri (if that is your real name)!

        In conclusion, I hope that your car that you love to back into parking spaces with comes to life, refuses to brake, and drives you directly off a cliff into a ravine where you will cry for help as buzzards pluck at your eyeballs. Then someone will come and rescue you. I mean, I’m not a monster after all!

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      • Thank you captain obvious! Guess you never heard of a typo or someone hitting send by mistake. Ah yes, I get it and I know your type. Never let someone’s honest mistake go to waste without trying to put them down for it. Hypocrite much?
        And what next? Are you going to correct my spelling now?
        Blah… you are quite boring now with your fancy lad imagination of exaggerations and assumtions. Typical American. Goodbye.

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      • Dear Mr. Okipuri (if that is your real name),

        Actually, your spelling seems okay. You should capitalize “Captain Obvious,” though. It would be a proper noun.

        Side note: Captain Obvious would be the worst superhero in history. Just imagine it. There you are crying out for help as four or five large men pummel you with lead pipes. Suddenly, a masked man in a cape flies into the scene. I should have mentioned: Captain Obvious can fly. That’s pretty important when painting a picture of the man. Anyway, he flies into the scene and looks at the four or five large men and you shrieking for help.

        “Hey, those four or five men are pummeling you with lead pipes!” he would say. Then he would fly off because his entire duty in the superhero realm is to point out obvious things. He has done that, so he can move on.

        I hope I’m not boring you too much! What would you like to talk about that would entertain you? I know quite a bit about sports and politics. I could read up on artisanal pastries if that is more your sort of bag. Just let me know!

        Like

  10. Yes, but when you back OUT of a spot, you are blindly backing in to any number of potential dangers. You are blind to a lane of traffic.

    When you back in to a parking spot you are blind to a very limited space. And it’s a space that is not trafficked.

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  11. When backing in, I have to drive past the slot, then back in. On my way past it, I can look in the slot to ensure it is clear. I have situational awareness, so it is pretty safe to back in. When I leave, I just have to drive out and that is safer than backing out. If I don’t back in, when I leave I have to back out into what is basically unknown traffic.

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  12. Nothing good comes from backing into parking spots. I’ve already had at least three people hit my car that I have witnessed who were parking in this manner. I asked one of them why they felt the need to do this instead of parking normally and the person didn’t give an answer. It makes no sense to do as it takes just as much time or more to park this way and runs a greatet risk of damaging other people’s property with the added risk of a driver’s door now facing a car on the right whose owner was trying to avoid driver doors by parking at the right end of the lot. I bet there is not one intelligent reason why people do this other than to just be an annoyance.

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  13. I agree with you. I despise these idiots who back up into parking spots. Are they crazy?? They really have mental deficiencies to do that. They also take up time create disruption and it’s not safe to do that. It should be illegal to do that.

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  14. Your a moron. Backing into a space is clearly the safest and most sensible way to park. It’s much easier to manoeuvre a car into tight spaces from reverse, also much safer when departing. You not reversing blindly out of a space, into someone! Most people are to busy watching the swing at the front to have enough attention, on what’s coming behind them. How many time do you see people swing nose first into a space only to get stuck, trying to squeeze in? Often not in the space correctly, thus taking up to much space at one side, or even abandoned at some weird angle. Do a bit of research before you waffle on, making yourself seem stupid. Most accidents happen, while reversing out of a parking space.

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    • When calling one a moron, one should probably make sure the first word in their comment is correct. Also, if you are taking anything I write seriously, you should reevaluate your life priorities.

      Love,
      Nathan

      Like

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