I don’t usually use this blog space to state my personal beliefs. I usually avoid the hard hitting issues, preferring to talk about my love of peanut butter cups or my dislike anything that has ever been on “The Jersey Shore.” I feel, though, that I have been silent on one issue for far too long. I have finally had it, though, and I can’t hold it in anymore.
Hey idiots backing into parking spots! What you’re doing makes no sense, you big stupid dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb idiots!
For years, I’ve watched all kinds of seemingly intelligent people back into parking spots. I came across one just the other day as I was trying to go to work. He began backing in before realizing that he was about to slam the back of his car into the blue Honda on his right. He then pulled forward and tried again. Surprisingly, it still didn’t work. After several minutes, he finally had that car jammed in there.
What a big stupid dumb guy.
When asked why people do this, the answer is always the same: it is sooooooo much easier to just pull out of your parking spot and go. This is true. I will not argue with that. I am nothing if not a rational, reasonable person who is willing to admit when a person has a good point.
It is, however, exponentially harder to back into a spot than just pull in. That means it really should be the same. You back in, you pull out. You pull in, you back out. At the very least, you are breaking even on the difficulty of your parking lot maneuvers.
It doesn’t usually go as simply as that, though. While I very rarely have to try multiple times to pull into or back out of a parking spot in my large cumbersome vehicle, the parking spot back-iners usually have multiple tries. To showcase this point, I have had a professional illustrate the typical routes into a parking spot:
As you can see, one of them is significantly less convenient.
To illustrate this point further, I would like to examine it with one of my favorite subjects: a delicious can of Diet Mountain Dew. When one is enjoying a can of Diet Mountain Dew, they pour the beverage out of the can into their mouths. It is a delightfully delicious experience that makes everyone happy. This is like backing out of a parking spot. You start in a small space, aka the can, then you are able to just pour out of it into the giant area behind you. It is still delightful, though admittedly less crisp and refreshing.
Now take that same can of Diet Mountain Dew. With the delicious soda still in your mouth, try to spit it back into the can. It is significantly less pleasant, usually full of leakage. It will also give you a can of spittle, but that is beside the point. This is like backing into a parking spot. You are metaphorically trying to take that mouthful of vehicle and spit it into the can, or parking spot. It is not easy and you will make everyone hate you, particularly if they really wanted a drink of that Diet Mountain Dew.
As I have mentioned, I am not unreasonable. There are certain situations when backing into a spot is helpful. These are the acceptable times:
-When you are unloading a large amount of things from your trunk.
-When you are loading a large amount of things into your trunk.
-When a stranger holds a gun to your head and says “Back into that parking spot!”
-When you are driving the getaway car for a robbery. This will help you get away faster, so that’s nice, though you should probably look for a different career path.
In conclusion, we all make mistakes. I made the mistake of trying that Diet Mountain Dew experiment and ruining an entire can of beverage. Talk about making a big old error gigante!
You, however, can stop from making the same mistake over and over. You can save yourself that horrible fate. No longer will you be a slave to your desire of parking in reverse. More importantly, you can also save me the unpleasantness of waiting for you to park your car. Please, please save me that unpleasantness. I’m begging you.
You do not have to be one of the stupidest people in the history of the human race. All it takes is a little parking knowledge.
Is anyone else thirsty for Diet Mountain Dew now?
- Audi’s car parks itself, takes baby steps toward vehicle automation (video) (pcworld.com)
- Apartment Garage Parking Etiquette (apartmentguide.com)
- Parking: Tips for Finding the Best Space (allstate.com)
- Dear Redbox Users, Please Stop Using Handicap Parking Spaces (consumerist.com)
- Woman gets parking ticket while giving first aid (scotsman.com)
- Study could lead to more downtown parking in Hudson (metrowestdailynews.com)
- How intelligent parking assist systems work (myparkingsign.com)
- Mercedes-Benz Cars Tweet Parking Spots (blogs.ptc.com)