Ah, the Super Bowl. Nothing is more American than this celebration of sport, gluttony and consumption. We all gather around our TV and shove massive quantities of food in our fat gobs for hours. Every year 1.2 billion chicken wings are consumed on this day. Why? Because football and poultry go hand in hand!
Some people, though, have the misfortune of not being able to watch every second of the game’s festivities. They “have” to do things like “work” or “take their relative to the emergency room because the bleeding is getting really bad.” That’s why I am here. Someone has to chronicle every important moment of the day.
Super Bowl XLVII will feature the San Francisco 49ers, a team coached by Jim Harbaugh, against the Baltimore Ravens, a team coached by John Harbaugh. Rumor is their brothers, but I haven’t seen their birth certificates for proof. Both teams are not without their scandals with Ravens’ star Ray Lewis being accused of using deer antler spray for doping purposes. (Side note: if deer are so strong that we are using parts of them to make ourselves stronger, we should probably stop hunting them. At some point they may try to retaliate.) Meanwhile 49ers cornerback Chris Culliver said derogatory things about the gay community, apparently forgetting that he plays for San Francisco and not Hateville or Straighttown.
This game is sure to be one for the ages. Or not. Either way, there will be a lot of fun commercials!
2:00: I officially tune into the pregame show in time to see close ups of football players closing their eyes while a recorded voice over of their thoughts about being in the Super Bowl plays. Then they open their eyes. That’s probably the best choice. Playing with your eyes closed would not be the easiest thing in the world.
2:02: First depressing/inspirational story plays. A former Ravens player has ALS. Nothing says “Let’s play football!” like someone having to speak through a computer.
2:17: CBS attempts to explain game strategy by getting a bunch of NFL players and commentators in suits on a tiny football field. I would like to imagine, though, that they are giants in suits playing on a regular sized football field. (Note to self: excellent movie idea…)
2:26: Remember Katrina? CBS does so now we get to hear about two musicians who kept playing music even though there was a hurricane. A woman they talked to had to live on a highway for several days. Inspirational/depressing story #2.
2:39: Bombshell! President Barack Obama DOESN’T KNOW WHO HE IS ROOTING FOR! We should impeach him! This somehow segues into a story about concussions. I assume they’re implying that Obama has a concussion, but I may be reading too much into it.
2:52: Jim Rome tells us what he wants from the Super Bowl. None of his wishes align with my wish for unlimited guacamole.
2:54: One Republic performs their new single. I imagine that this is definitely what the large scary NFL players are listening to to get pumped up…
3:05: Chuck Pagano, the Indianapolis Colts head coach was hired, then was diagnosed with leukemia, then it went into remission. There is a lot of crying. Most of it is not from me, though, so kudos to me for being manly. Inspirational/depressing story #3.
3:20: CBS asked their Facebook fans which quarterback was the best. That is a great idea for deciding levels of talent. No one on Facebook will vote based on their biases.
3:22: CBS makes fans yell “Hut hut hut!” to get free Pizza Hut pizzas. Ironically enough, this pregame is sponsored by Pizza Hut. I wonder if they realized that when they planned that segment…
3:35: President Barack Obama is interviewed and asked the hard hitting questions like “Would you let your son play football?”
3:36: Apparently Obama isn’t concerned about his son playing football since he only has two daughters. Bombshell! OBAMA IS SEXIST AND SAYS HIS DAUGHTERS WON’T BE INTERESTED IN PLAYING FOOTBALL BECAUSE THEY’RE GIRLS! No wonder the right hates him so much.
3:37: Now we’re talking taxes. That is, after all, what half-drunk football fans are clamoring to talk about right now.
3:41: Barack Obama thinks gays should be able to be Boy Scouts. In the 49ers locker room, Chris Culliver is screaming at the TV.
3:49: CBS makes 49ers wide receiver Vernon Davis watch a coach criticize him in a press conference years ago. He then delivers a heartfelt speech to the coach that criticized him. Fortunately, they had paid for the tear-jerker background music before this. It would have been a lot less meaningful with One Republic in the background.
3:54: Matchbox 20 performs live. The lead singer looks like he is trying to pass a gallstone while he sings. Rob Thomas should probably find a job that causes him less physical pain.
4:00: Football players explain that they are trying hard to win the Super Bowl while the “Saving Private Ryan” soundtrack plays in the background. I figured they were planning on phoning it in, so now I’m really looking forward to the game.
4:06: While discussing the Harbaugh brothers, Shannon Sharpe says “To get one of those rings, I would run over my brother.” If I were Sterling Sharpe, I would consider avoiding any holidays or family reunions from now on.
4: 18: Ray Lewis has to face the harsh realities that he was involved in a murder years ago. He tells the families of those that were stabbed to death that “God doesn’t make a mistake” then blames the system for not finding the real murderer. Apparently his success proves that he didn’t have anything to do with the murders. Sound logic. He also says he only paid off the families because he gives money to a lot of people. Uh…
4:23: Shannon Sharpe says that Steven Spielberg doesn’t write scripts like Ray Lewis’ life. Of course not. He hasn’t written anything since “A.I.: Artificial Intelligence.”
4:26: While speaking about the Harbaughs, Shannon Sharpe says that his brother and him would be at odds if they had this type of conflict between them. Seriously, Sterling. Run.
4:34: The rest of the Harbaugh family appears to talk about the game. The poor sister has to sit there, knowing she has officially lost the game of sibling rivalry.
4:45: Colin Kaepernick always wanted to be 49er as a child and now his dream has come true. Awwwwww….
4:49: Ray Lewis gives his team a pump up speech. My hearing may be bad, but it sounded like “We harflamfarnayharger! We flamferfargat maylergerp!”
4:56: Preview for “The Lone Ranger” with Johnny Depp as Tonto. I wonder how they talked him into wearing a ridiculous costume for a movie.
5:00: “The Kickoff Show” starts. What the crap have I been watching for the past 3 hours?
5:01: A bunch of retired NFL players start stories about their turn in the Super Bowl. They never finish the stories though before someone else starts talking. Either those players are all very bad at interrupting or the CBS editors have serious ADD.
5:10: The Baltimore Ravens are introduced. There are a lot of flags and fire. U2 is playing in the background.
5:11: The San Francisco 49ers are introduced. There are a lot of flags and fire, but they have a TUPAC song playing in the background! These two teams are like night and day.
5:17: The Walter Payton award is given to Cowboys’ tight end Jason Witten for outstanding onfield and community involvement.
5:18: Jennifer Hudson and the choir from Newtown, Connecticut sing “America the Beautiful.” After singing a verse themselves, the children’s choir is forced to awkwardly sway back and forth while Jennifer Hudson sings. They nailed those “Ooooo’s” though, so that’s way better than I could do.
5:21: Alicia Keys plays the Star-Spangled banner. It is good.
5:27: The Hall of Fame inductees are named. Snubbed, yet again, is Shane Falco from “The Replacements.”
5:29: The coin toss is heads. I don’t know who won because I was too busy celebrating that I won free Papa John’s pizza by voting heads. Free pizza!
5:31: Kickoff. The ball goes all the way to the end of the field. Man, that guy has strong legs.
5:32: First play of the game.
5:33: First penalty of the game. We’re off to a great start.
5:35: Punt. The most exciting play in football.
5:37: My wife brings in guacamole! Hooray!
5:40: Touchdown, Ravens. 7-0. Now to commercials!
5:45: Super model Bar Refaeli makes out with a nerd for a Godaddy.com commercial. Apparently I need to watch out for super models jumping me from now on. All they want to do in life is shove their tongue in nerds’ mouths. That and experiment with bulimia.
5:54: Paul Kruger sacks Colin Kaepernick, then celebrates by pretending to direct an orchestra. That is the most refined celebration I have ever seen.
5:55: Field Goal makes it 7-3 Baltimore.
6:05: The first quarter ends with the score 7-3. More importantly, I am eating wings. Therefore, I do not care about the stupid football game for the next half hour.
6:07: Great news! “Fast and the Furious 6” is coming out! Prayers really are answered!
6:09: The Harbaughs’ parents are at the game. I was wondering if they were watching the game, but thank goodness someone had the answer for me.
6:13: The 49ers fumble and the Ravens recover. They really should have made a game-plan that involved not dropping the ball. I bet they do that next time.
6:14: Calvin Klein underwear ad. I look at my wife, fishing for compliments like “you totally look like that model guy.” She says something nice, but I don’t feel like it was sincere.
6:21: Touchdown Ravens. After an extra point, the score is 14-3.
6:23: Creepy Bud Light ad involving voodoo dolls. They say voodoo dolls are only weird if they don’t work, but I would disagree. I think it is weird all around.
6:28: Baltimore Ravens interception by Ed Reed leads to an awesome brawl. I am starting to sense that these two teams don’t get along. Maybe we should take a quick break, talk things out, then get back to the game after everyone has apologized to each other.
6:35: Fake field goal leaves the Ravens a yard short of a first down.
6:42: Subway uses a commercial spot to honor Jared for not being fat for 15 years. He appreciates it, I’m sure, but would probably prefer that they gave him something besides Subway to eat.
6:48: Long touchdown pass caught by Jacoby Jones. 21-3 Baltimore lead.
6:57: Field goal by the 49ers going into halftime makes it 21-6. More importantly, Beyonce is about to perform. The world is all abuzz waiting for it to begin. All abuzz.
7:02: CBS spends time rehashing the first half. They clearly don’t realize that everyone in America is at home chanting “Be-yon-ce! Be-yon-ce!”
7:08: Countdown to Beyonce!!!!!!!
7:09: BEYONCE!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7:11: Beyonce has a guitarist with a guitar that shoots sparks at both ends! She’s so cool she doesn’t even care about fire safety!
7:22: Beyonce’s halftime show ends and believe me when I tell you: it was okay.
7:26: CBS airs the “2 Broke Girls Spectacular.” That is great news for everyone who likes mediocre TV.
7:31: Kickoff for the second half is returned 109 yards for a Ravens’ touchdown. I now will spend the next 15 minutes wondering if I could even run 109 yards. 28-6 Ravens.
7:37: Extended silence from the announcers while they show that lights have gone out in the ceiling. One player is shown yelling at the lights. I’m surprised, but it didn’t seem to work.
7:41: A sideline reporter is telling us that the power is out. It was a very in-depth investigative report.
7:44: CBS sends it to the studio. They confirm that the lights are out. So, to summarized, the lights are out.
7:49: The lights are, according to the studio, still out. According to them, this makes it darker inside and will make the game more difficult. When I was a kid, I knew people who had glow in the dark Nerf footballs. The NFL should look into getting those.
7:52: The sideline reporter spoke to the players. It turns out that they aren’t afraid of the dark, so that’s a relief.
7:59: When the lights come back on, the studio analysts say the game will start again. That is the decision I would make if I were in charge of the game.
8:01: Shannon Sharpe implies that Ray Lewis will not be good because he is too old to take a break because the lights have gone out. He also implies the Saints didn’t pay their power bill. He really likes to imply things.
8:03: John Harbaugh does not appear happy that the lights have been out for 27 minutes. Maybe he really is afraid of the dark…
8:06: Jim Nantz says Phil Simms phone charger knocked out the power in the Superdome. I know he’s joking, but part of me wants it to be true.
8:10: The game starts again. One 49ers player is overheard saying, “Oh man…”
8:21: A commercial involving a guy saving a girl from a shark who then runs to an astronaut feels it necessary to specify that it is “a fictionalization.” I wonder which part of it wasn’t real…
8:24: Touchdown pass San Francisco. The score is now 28-13 Baltimore. Good news, though, is the lights are still on.
8:32: Another touchdown for San Francisco. 28-20 Baltimore.
8:40: Fumble by Baltimore’s Ray Rice. San Francisco gets the ball back. Baltimore has apparently forgotten how to play football which is bad in the Super Bowl. You really want to remember how to play football there or all of your football friends will laugh at you.
8:43: The 49ers miss a field goal. Fortunately for them, San Francisco ran into the kicker so they get a second kick. They make their second attempt, so the score is 28-23.
8:52: My local new tries to scare me by telling me that they are investigating a gun that is legal and can blow a hole in a tank. Judging by my trembling hand, it worked.
9:00: I get distracted by rumors that Beyonce showed Illuminati imagery in her halftime show. Apparently there was a field goal at some point. 31-23 Baltimore.
9:04: Kaepernick runs for a San Francisco touchdown. They go for a two-point conversion. If you get points for throwing the ball way over someone’s head, they succeeded. Since they don’t get points for that, It’s 31-29 Baltimore.
9:13: San Francisco challenges a ruling that Baltimore got a first down.
9:16: They were right! Baltimore didn’t get a first down! Whoa that was exciting!
9:21: Field goal for Baltimore. 34-29 Baltimore lead. For those who don’t follow football, it’s a close exciting game.
9:26: The 49ers almost complete a long pass. My wife says the following: “OOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” It’s a very gutteral noise and scares our dog quite a bit.
9:29: Two minute warning with San Francisco close to the goal line. Ooooohhhh, the tension.
9:33: Timeout by San Francisco. Overheard on the sidelines: “Okay guys, we really need to score. So we should do… like soon. Okay?”
9:35: San Francisco goes for it on fourth down. There are still no points awarded for throwing the ball past everyone, so it is incomplete. Baltimore gets the ball with 1:46 left and a five point lead.
9:40: 11 seconds left and Baltimore has it 4th and 7. You could cut the tension with a knife. Metaphorically. There is not tension to cut.
9:41: Instead of letting the 49ers get a shot at a touchdown, the Ravens take a safety. 34-31 Baltimore.
9:45: The 49ers can’t return the punt for a touchdown. The Ravens win 34-31! If Edgar Allen Poe were alive today, he would say “Flmweronsjpjoaaaaa….” because he would most likely be very drunk.
9:46: CBS accidentally lets Joe Flacco say all kinds of poop mouth words near a microphone. He apparently thinks that winning the Super Bowl is very very pleasant.
9:51: Toyota postgame show begins. Sponsored by Toyota.
9:55: NO WAY! You can get a DVD of the game AND a Ravens championship T-SHIRT?! Best day ever!
9:58: The Ravens get their trophy because they are world champions. It is very shiny so I understand why everyone wanted it so bad.
10:00: Joe Flacco, the MVP touches the trophy. He says it is “F$#@ing awesome!”
10:06: Bedtime! All this watching people run back and forth has worn me out.
Lessons learned from commercials tonight:
If you hire Century 21, the realtor will save your life or provide medical care, but only if you are looking for a house.
M&M’s would prefer that you do not eat them.
Parents don’t care about parties as long as you are drinking a delicious low calorie soda.
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson cannot save the world from aliens, get cats out of a tree, or stop lions from mauling people without having a glass of milk first.
The Volkswagen makes people speak like Jamaicans. Weird product feature there.
Taco Bell makes old people do things like stupid youths.
Babies come from outerspace.
Trucks are great for farmers.
- SuperBowl XLVII 49ers, Ravens Merchandise Available at SportsFanPlayground.com (prweb.com)
- Super Bowl XLVII: Ravens fans soaking up experience in New Orleans (bizjournals.com)
- Super Bowl XLVII Ticket Deals: The Superbowl Is on Sunday, and Whiztix.com Helps Users Get The Best Deals Possible On Tickets (prweb.com)
- Sibling rivalry: Harbaugh brothers field questions before taking the field for the Super Bowl XLVII (bizjournals.com)
- It’s been a crazy ride for Kaepernick family (sacbee.com)
- Super Bowl XLVII ticket prices rise as kickoff nears (bizjournals.com)
- Everything to know about the Super Bowl (espn.go.com)