No Hockey? No Problem!

Toronto Maple Leafs player scoring goal agains...

Toronto Maple Leafs player scoring goal against Detroit Red Wings, Stanley Cup Playoffs, 1942 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

With the National Hockey League in a lockout, fans of the bloodiest and coldest sport around are left without entertainment. Throughout the country, you can hear the cries of the 4% of Americans who love hockey. You can also hear the sounds of disinterest from the rest of the 96%, but that 4% are pretty loud too.

While this can be a time of great depression for the hockey fan amongst us, there is no need to worry. Hockey will be back soon. In the meantime, there are several ways to fill your entertainment void.

Pay The Neighborhood Kids to be Your Entertainment

Kids are stupid. Hockey players are equally stupid. Why else would they strap sharp blades onto their feet and proceed to slam each other into walls with sticks?

Replace your favorite hockey player with that neighbor down the street. With just a bit of work, you can have your own neighborhood league in just a matter of hours. Plus kids are dumb enough to hit each other with sticks for cheap.

Of course when this league goes into a lockout, you are the one who will have to fix it. That’s a lot huge headache, especially when you have a ten-year-old talking to you about revenue sharing and increased safety measures.

Attend a Minor League Game

While the best hockey players are on strike, the players who are nowhere near good enough to make it to the NHL are still skating. Their lack of skills means two things: one, there will be a lot of fighting. It’s the only thing they know how to do. Two, your tickets will cost less than a McDonald’s value meal.

You will, however, find yourself rooting for teams with names like the Long Beach Ice Dogs. For some reason, I would expect a lot of strange looks if I bragged about how well my Ice Dogs did last night.

Invent an Alternative

Why worry about your favorite sport disappearing? Now is the time to get creative. Think about your favorite parts of hockey and mash it together. My favorite parts are the nonstop violence and the fact that it takes place on ice.

Using these landmarks, I invented my new favorite sport, the IceRun.

The way the IceRun is played is simple. First, you get the same kids from your neighborhood and set them loose on the ice at a local skating rink during a public skate. Do not give them skates. Then tell them that the first person to run all the way around the rink gets ice cream. Count the number of random skaters who collapse to the ground with injuries and the “player” with the most knock-downs wins.

The lockout issue could come back into play here, so make sure to distract from any talk of unionizing by saying, “Whose in the mood for CAKE?!” They will forget all about a lockout.

Use the Time Without Hockey To Bond With Your Family

Right. That seems like something that would happen.

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