I had hunkered down on the couch for a nice bit of allowing the TV to rot my brain this evening. As is prone to happen, my particular show disappeared, making way for an enormous, long-haired man in the back of a pick-up truck.
“When I first discovered Zaxby’s Big Snax Snack Meal,” the man said, “I couldn’t believe all the great food you get for such a great price.”
As he finished speaking, a kid shows up just in time to fawn over the fact that this is not just a random giant man in the back of a truck. No, this particular man was Clay Matthews, Green Bay Packers linebacker! The kid beamed, pointing to his dad and the two ran off to eat delicious chicken and talk about the time they saw a football player also eat delicious chicken. They would, I’m certain, tell all of their chicken loving friends about this and soon the world would all be in some sort of chicken-eating Clay Matthews fan club
Everyone except for me.
It isn’t that I don’t like chicken. In fact, I like chicken very much. It is in my top-ten favorite protein sources, ranking above tofu but below a pile of cheeseburgers. Nor do I dislike Clay Matthews, although I can’t really say I like Clay Matthews. Really, Clay is nothing to me, though if he is reading this, I would like to say I really enjoy him and please don’t hurt me.
No, I remained unmoved for one specific reason: I am an advertiser’s worst nightmare. I am a cynic who finds it difficult to believe anything that is uttered on the TV. Worst yet, I’m cheap. To get me to spend a cent on your product is a feat, so it will take more than Clay eating chicken to make me check you out.
Advertisers have tried many different tactics to trick people like myself. As a football fan, I constantly have advertisers coming after in the middle of the game by telling me their product is so good, it is the “official ______ of the NFL.” I suppose this should matter to me. Maybe when I go to the store, I should wander the aisles thinking about what detergent Eli Manning would use on those hard to get out grass stains. (Tide, by the way.) Nothing sways me like the endorsement of an athlete who has no doubt played through 15 or more concussions.
Instead, I find myself ignoring the NFL approved items for the Nathan-approved items, those being whatever is cheapest. I could go to the store and have Eli Manning himself put that detergent in my cart and I would promptly remove it and grab the Tropical Breeze Sunburst detergent. It may not be as good, but its cheap and better than wearing dirty clothes.
Recently, a commercial Five Hour Energy has been shoved in my face repeatedly. In it, a woman claims 73% of doctors would recommend Five Hour Energy. This would be a great tactic to some. For me, I have never chosen anything based on a doctor’s recommendation. If I listened to doctors, I never would have even seen that commercial because I would be far too busy exercising.
Having watched TV during the day, I have seen the likes of Shannon Doherty and rapper Master P trying to urge me to take online classes. If I were planning on taking online classes, I guess I would be forced to choose between the washed-up actresses’ school or the washed-up rapper’s school. I would probably choose Doherty just because her commercial looks like she needs the most help.
With these approaches not swaying me, a local lawyer pulled out all the stops. As he told me about his willingness to represent me in my felony or misdemeanor trial, images of American flags and the Statue of Liberty flashed across the screen. If I were in some sort of trouble, this is the man I want on the job. He loves America and no patriot would ever allow a criminal to be convicted of a crime. It’s exactly how the forefathers wanted it.
To help benefit the companies that will continue to vie for my dollar, here is a script that will get me to buy your product:
Announcer: (product name) is the best (product). Also, it is cheap. Very cheap. It does what it is supposed to do and does it cheaply. We cannot stress this enough. Cheap. Listen to what (famous athlete) has to say about (product name).
Athlete: (product name) does not cost much. It is cheap.
Announcer: Thanks, (famous athlete). (product name): It is cheap.
I will definitely notice that. You can even put the athlete in the back of a pick-up truck if you would like, though I wouldn’t recommend it.
I tend to avoid buying things from people who hang out in the back of trucks. It’s a good rule to live by, particularly when the person in the truck is a hulking man menacingly chewing on some chicken.