Dear Nathan

An eight-year old's deciduous teeth.

An eight-year old’s deciduous teeth. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

DEAR NATHAN: I am a 13-year-old boy. My dad and I have a disagreement. I have been throwing away the lunches my mom packs for school because I don’t like them and buying school lunches. I realize this was ungrateful and dishonest, and I regret doing it.

As a punishment, Dad won’t let me go to one of my best friends’ birthday party. I’m fine with being punished, but I think this punishment is unfair to my friend because he doesn’t get to have me at his party. Instead, I think it would be better to be grounded or made to do extra chores. Who’s right? — NORMAL TEEN IN ORINDA, CALIF.

DEAR NORMAL TEEN: My, a bit conceited, aren’t we? I mean, I’m sure you are a joy to be around. You may be the greatest 13-year-old to ever walk the planet for all I know. If you do not get to go to your friend’s birthday party, though, I suspect it would most likely not be a huge loss. It just means there is one more piece of delicious cake to eat.

Despite your egocentricity, I will go ahead and humor you. You did, after all, need some advice.

Your dad is obviously correct. That is his right as a dad. As long as he is not abusing you, he can punish you however he wants. I plan on punishing my children by forcing them to read Beowulf over and over until their brains either melt or they beg for mercy. In the interest of creating a more creative punishment, I would ask that you give this list to your father. Maybe he could choose one of these instead of depriving your friend of the brilliance that is your company:

-Turning the parental lock on the TV all the way down to TV-Y. Hope you enjoy “Yo Gabba Gabba!”

-Allow your mother to dress you for the next month. For your interest, I hope the kids are very into pleated khakis and button up shirts.

-Forcing you to find each of the bag lunches and eat them regardless of age or percentage molded.

Also, while we’re on the subject, where are you getting the money for lunch? 13-year-olds do not usually have jobs. This makes me a bit suspicious of you and I feel that there is probably something else you should be punished for.

Happy receiving whatever punishment your dad gives you and not whining like a little baby,

Nathan

P.S. I hope you aren’t planning on telling the kids at school you wrote to an advice columnist to try to solve this problem. I do not how kids choose to bully these days, but I would imagine that you could tell me in detail if the other 13-year-olds find out about this.

 

DEAR NATHAN: My wife and I were invited to my brother’s wedding, and we accepted. Later, my brother asked me to be a groomsman.

My wife is upset because I didn’t ask her if she minded that I’ll be in the wedding and I will walk down the aisle with one of the bridesmaids. She feels that my walking with another woman is a “date” and disrespectful to her. Is it proper wedding etiquette to accept an invitation to be in a wedding if you are married? — GROOMSMAN IN THE SOUTH

DEAR GROOMSMAN: What kind of wedding is this? Are you stopping for dinner and a movie on the way down the aisle? Is there a chance of you getting a kiss goodnight after your “date” is over? If this is the case, then your wife has some very valid concerns.

The proper wedding etiquette is to be a groomsman regardless of marital status. The proper wife etiquette is to trust your husband to not cheat on you in front of an entire wedding congregation.

Happy dealing with a crazy woman,

Nathan

 

DEAR NATHAN: I have an issue I’d like your opinion on. What should the Tooth Fairy do with baby teeth after collecting them? She stopped coming to our house years ago, but the baby teeth have been dutifully saved — every one of them — in a jar where the Tooth Fairy left them.

I thought I was unique in this predicament, but found out that a sister-in-law had the same dilemma. Our kids are adults now, but I don’t know what I should or could do with these little keepsakes of a beautiful boy who stole my heart the minute I looked into his eyes. — ALWAYS HIS MOM

DEAR ALWAYS HIS MOM: Hold, the phone. The Tooth Fairy took these teeth, yet you still have them? Did the Tooth Fairy give them back or what? It’s weird that the Tooth Fairy would do all that work and then leave money only to give you the teeth. I always assumed that the Tooth Fairy needed teeth for her giant, toothy mansion or something, hence the buying of teeth.

Unless…are you the Tooth Fairy? No, that doesn’t make sense. If you were the Tooth Fairy, you would have millions of teeth and I would guess the cataloging system would be far too cumbersome for you to keep track of which teeth came from your son. Plus, everyone knows the Tooth Fairy is barren.

I don’t understand this at all. I…wait a minute…

IS THE TOOTH FAIRY NOT REAL???!!!

REALLY?! This is the RIDICULOUS! You could have at least started the letter off with a warning!

“DEAR NATHAN: The following letter has terrible news for you! Heads up!”

You are the worst person on the planet, bar none! I mean, I have said that to a lot of people before. I said the person driving in front of me today was the worst person on the planet because they waited an extra five seconds before going through an intersection on green. You, though, make this person look like freaking Mother Teresa!

I guess look at the tooth black market or something. I don’t really care anymore.

Thanks for the terrible news and happy dealing with your son’s used body parts,

Nathan

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6 thoughts on “Dear Nathan

  1. 1 – There are normal teenagers in California?
    2 – If the groom is your brother in this case, the odds are the bride is your sister. And that your wife is your other sister. Are you sure your really want to complicate things any more?

    Like

  2. Pingback: Dear Nathan « The Life and Times of Nathan Badley…

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