This weekend, I spent a good amount of time around babies. These little tiny humans were being held by bigger, full-sized humans. Despite the fact that both sizes of people were the same species, there was a special language being spoken.
“AW! Wook at youw widdle nose! You awe soooo cute! Yes you awe! You awe the cutest widdle guy…”
I was perplexed. Why would they be talking to a baby like that? Do they think the baby is too stupid to understand words that are pronounced clearly? Maybe babies can only understand mispronounced exclamations.
Then today, my friends were with their cat. Once again, this type of speech popped up.
“Who’s a widdle fwuffy baby? Who is? Who is? Who? You awe! Yes you awe!”
I will admit that I felt left out. Everyone I knew was talking in soft soothing tones and turning random consonants into w’s. It hardly seemed fair, so I decided to give it a crack.
“Wook at my widdle compooter! Who wets me get onto Facebwook? You do! Yes you do! What a cute widdle pwocessor you have! Aw, who’s my widdle compooter fwiend?”
It felt awkward and forced. This type of voice does not come naturally to me. I very rarely ever do anything cutesy and I felt like it showed in my latest attempts. I decided to try it with a few things around the apartment.
“Awe you going to hydwate me, watew? Yes you will!”
Glasses of water do not normally show a great deal of emotion, but I got the distinct feeling that this annoyed my water.
“Who will wet me watch “Mastewchef? Will you wet me watch “Mastewchef, Mistew TV?”
That still felt wrong.
I did not understand it. I was doing the same thing as everyone else, yet I did not seem to be enjoying it at all. I had carefully constructed my sentences so that they are nearly indecipherable. I had gone as cutesy as I possibly could, a feat that is no simple task for a person like myself.
Then, I had a sudden revelation. My friends all had one common denominator that I did not have. Everything they were talking to was alive. Here I had been, mumbling like a homeless man coming off of a bender when the only thing I needed to do to turn my nonsensical ramblings into cute speech was find a living creature!
I quickly got in touch with my wife.
“Who’s the bestest widdle wifey in the whoooooole world? You awe. Yes, you awe. On an unwelated note, did you wemember to pay ouw Netfwix bill? We wouldn’t want to wose our access to movies, would we? No we wouldn’t! Maybe we should think about switching ovew to Hulu Pwus instead. There awe certainwy a wot of shows avaiwable for us to view. I just don’t know about the movie sewection. What do you think, widdle iddy biddy wifey-poo?”
She did not care for that. With that, I decided to retire my baby talking abilities.
Maybe those people do not discuss their bills with their babies. That might make it easier.