The Cutest Widdle Iddy Biddy Post Ever…

infant

Widdle Iddy Biddy Baby (Photo credit: soupboy)

This weekend, I spent a good amount of time around babies. These little tiny humans were being held by bigger, full-sized humans. Despite the fact that both sizes of people were the same species, there was a special language being spoken.

“AW! Wook at youw widdle nose! You awe soooo cute! Yes you awe! You awe the cutest widdle guy…”

I was perplexed. Why would they be talking to a baby like that? Do they think the baby is too stupid to understand words that are pronounced clearly? Maybe babies can only understand mispronounced exclamations.

Then today, my friends were with their cat. Once again, this type of speech popped up.

“Who’s a widdle fwuffy baby? Who is? Who is? Who? You awe! Yes you awe!”

I will admit that I felt left out. Everyone I knew was talking in soft soothing tones and turning random consonants into w’s. It hardly seemed fair, so I decided to give it a crack.

“Wook at my widdle compooter! Who wets me get onto Facebwook? You do! Yes you do! What a cute widdle pwocessor you have! Aw, who’s my widdle compooter fwiend?”

It felt awkward and forced. This type of voice does not come naturally to me. I very rarely ever do anything cutesy and I felt like it showed in my latest attempts. I decided to try it with a few things around the apartment.

“Awe you going to hydwate me, watew? Yes you will!”

Glasses of water do not normally show a great deal of emotion, but I got the distinct feeling that this annoyed my water.

“Who will wet me watch “Mastewchef? Will you wet me watch “Mastewchef, Mistew TV?”

That still felt wrong.

I did not understand it. I was doing the same thing as everyone else, yet I did not seem to be enjoying it at all. I had carefully constructed my sentences so that they are nearly indecipherable. I had gone as cutesy as I possibly could, a feat that is no simple task for a person like myself.

Then, I had a sudden revelation. My friends all had one common denominator that I did not have. Everything they were talking to was alive. Here I had been, mumbling like a homeless man coming off of a bender when the only thing I needed to do to turn my nonsensical ramblings into cute speech was find a living creature!

I quickly got in touch with my wife.

“Who’s the bestest widdle wifey in the whoooooole world? You awe. Yes, you awe. On an unwelated note, did you wemember to pay ouw Netfwix bill? We wouldn’t want to wose our access to movies, would we? No we wouldn’t! Maybe we should think about switching ovew to Hulu Pwus instead. There awe certainwy a wot of shows avaiwable for us to view. I just don’t know about the movie sewection. What do you think, widdle iddy biddy wifey-poo?”

She did not care for that. With that, I decided to retire my baby talking abilities.

Maybe those people do not discuss their bills with their babies. That might make it easier.

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11 thoughts on “The Cutest Widdle Iddy Biddy Post Ever…

  1. Ha ha ha, to be honest I have never understood the baby talk. I’ve never spoken to my baby like that. Maybe the babies think its hilarious that mum and dad are making a fool of themselves talking silly.

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  2. If your wife did not leave you after this, she must truly love you with all her heart.
    I’d never talk to a baby like that. Babies are supposed to learn to talk some day. Strange enough, most people see the importance of good examples in every other respect – but not in language.

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  3. Very funny. When my 40 year old only daughter was a baby, I never ever went for that baby talk stuff. She was a stare-er. A watcher. With a very long attention span. She taught herself to read by the age of 3, & was constantly perplexity others with her deep intellect. She also grew to age of 5 quite well w/o TV until my own parents walked in one day w/ a giant color monster. Their grounds for over- riding my parental wishes: they felt she should know who Mickey & Minnie Mouse were. And giggled nervously, fearing my reaction. I wa not happy. But bit my tongue, imagining inviting my friends over on the coming weekend to watch Saturday Night Live…about all I watched in 1975. The original cast. Now that beat Mickey & Minney by quite a bit, so for once I shut up.
    I am their age now & live alone w/ my dog. She too amazes people by her many intelligent behaviors. She will sit, stay, come, roll over, give a kiss, & fetch any of her many toys by name. She’s gentle to both friends & strangers. I never have talked baby talk to her either.

    My point in this lengthly reply: all intelligent creatures try to learn. It is much harder to learn from babble. Thanks for reading this long comment.

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