“Oh, if I could but live another century and see the fruition of all the work for women! There is so much yet to be done.” -Susan B. Anthony, prominent civil rights leader
“If we mean to have heroes, statesmen and philosophers, we should have learned women.”-Abigail Adams, former first lady and woman’s rights advocate
“I hate when women wear the wrong foundation colour, it might be the worst thing on the planet when they wear their make up too light.” -Kim Kardashian, reality star successfully setting women back several decades. Also, she is really dumb.
For most of my life, I have lived in what I thought was a reasonably fair society. No one I know owns slaves, everyone is allowed to go to school, we all share the same restaurants, and, aside from a few key groups, I thought we all shared the same rights.
I could not have been more wrong.
While I have been meandering through life in my cloud of ignorance, there was a group who was being squashed under the heel of society. They were being beaten down and forced to conform to the norms of our current culture.
They were forced to wear shirts.
This weekend saw two dozen women gather in New York’s Bryant Park for National Go-Topless Day. Like the famous woman suffragettes before them, they were there with a very important message.
“…there is nothing wrong with the female nipple,” Karen Heaven, an organizer of the event, told the crowd that quickly formed around her, likely in an attempt to shield her from the cool August breeze. “My dog has six, I have two, but I can be put in jail for showing my nipples. It’s 2012 — what are we thinking?”
What are we thinking indeed! As a man, I have taken my ability to show my nipples for granted. Everywhere I go, I can walk around, assured that if my shirt were to spontaneously combust, people would only be disgusted by my pale skin and doughy figure, not the useless udders I was born with. There would be no cries of “Look at that guy’s nipples!” Just a lot of horrified gasping and the cries of children.
Worse, I have placed these women below animals. When my wife has tried to dress our dog in the past, I specifically say no. Why? I thought it was because dogs wearing clothing is weird and unpleasant. As it turns out, it may have been my subconscious way of squashing any dreams my wife had by basically saying, “Our dog’s nipples are far less offensive than yours.”
The first Go-Topless day was founded by a sports car journalist and nipple-aficionado named Rael. After a visit from space alien, Rael created the Raelian movement, a religion that teaches that earth was created by alien scientists. (I swear, this is not made up.) After all, every major religion was founded by a sports car journalist with one name who was probably just looking for an excuse to see topless women.
Since then, hundreds, if not thousands, have spread the word with signs that read “Equal Topless Rights for All.”
I’m sure that if Susan B. Anthony were alive today, she would be honored to know that her hard work has led to the point that we can all have an open and honest discussion about nipple inequality. After all, that’s what her work was all about. Sure, she wanted women to vote. Yes, getting jobs and having the opportunity to earn an education were important to her.
Really, though, all she wanted was to stop having to do so much laundry. No shirts equals a great deal more free time to knit or whatever it is that women did for fun back then.
So bravo, women. You have furthered the work of many of the greatest feminist minds.
You have also guaranteed that somewhere, deep in the crevices of the internet, there is a topless photo of you.
Susan B. Anthony never had to worry about that…
- National Go Topless Day should be combined with National Punch Your Friend If He Harrasses a Woman on the Street Day (deathandtaxesmag.com)
- “Go-Topless Day” Protest: All Nipples Deserve Equal Rights! (thedumbeststuff.com)
- “Go-Topless Day” in New York Was Semi-Nude and Well-Spectated [Naked Truth] (jezebel.com)