Dear Mitt Romney,
With the election just four months away, its time to pick your vice president. I have heard a lot of names thrown around like Paul Ryan (No good. Two first names.), David Petraeus (Serious danger of misspelling last name on campaign materials), and Chris Christy (Sounds like a superhero alter ego) amongst others. You seem to be missing out on the obvious choice.
I have never been a huge Republican, but let me tell you, I will immediately sell out for the vice presidency. I mean, the VP gets $230,000 A YEAR! How could I turn that down?
There are several reasons I would make a great vice president. To start with the obvious one, I am available. If you were to call me and ask me, I would drop everything and jump on a bus to the nearest state fair. I would willing kiss babies (assuming they aren’t too sticky) and eat deep-fried tempura-battered salt water taffy on a stick or whatever that state fair deems to be food.
Even more than being available though, I feel that I would do a great job as vice president. A majority of being a vice president involves waiting for the real president to die. I am a great waiter. I wait like nobody else. If you think I am exaggerating for the sake of earning this job, I assure you I am a very patient person. In fact, I am sitting at my computer right now, waiting for your message, Romney. No rush, though. I can wait.
The other part of the job, as far as I can tell, is doing things that the president does not want to do. Let’s just pretend that you are invited to a very important event. We will say it is one of Barney Frank’s famous fondue parties. Now, you would have no interest in attending this. Everyone knows Mormons hate melted cheese.*
Since you do not want to go, all you have to do to get out of this is shoot the following text to me:
“B Franks fondue partay 2nite. No thnx. U in?”
I will immediately head to that party and enjoy all of the cheese I can eat. Since I am your right hand man, it is like you were there without you ever actually having to walk through the door.
As far as campaigning goes, you need a person who can debate. Let me tell you, I am an excellent debater. It would go something like this:Moderator: Candidate Badley, please explain your view on foreign policy. Nathan: Barack Obama is evil and Mitt Romney is a neat fellow. Also Joe Biden wants to bomb Antarctica just to kill all of the penguins.
No one would argue with that.
For campaign purposes, I will give you a quick run down of my political beliefs:
War: Decent band. “Low Rider” was pretty good.
Renewable energy: Rechargeable batteries are convenient but I will inevitably forget to charge them.
Military spending: We should allocate funds to redesign our uniforms. That camouflage isn’t fooling anyone.
Education: I’m for it.
Gay marriage: I think it could maybe not not be a greatly unterrible thing to consider the possibility that maybe possibly this could be a thing that might not be ungood for the country.
So get back to me, Mitt. I will be patiently waiting. You know, because I am good at that.
Your future vice president,
*In effort to create new stereotypes, I would like to propose that all Mormons hate melted cheese. I have never seen a Mormon eat melted cheese, so you cannot prove I am wrong.