Man Buys Texas Town, Degrades Women in the Name of Hot Wings

Looks like fine dining to me…

I am a man of many talents.

I am great at shooting rubberbands. When it comes to beverages, I know that I can win a Diet Pepsi drinking contest against anyone. Amongst other things, though, I am a great judge of character.

Being a great judge of character, I know immediately when I will not like a person. I hear about these people every day, and today’s entry was one Doug Guller.


Via Yahoo! News:

Self-described “breastaurateur” Doug Guller has purchased an unincorporated ghost town in Texas and renamed it “Bikinis” after his Bikinis Sports Bar & Grill franchise.

“Bikinis, TX will be a world class destination and I am thrilled to expand the Bikinis brand to include town ownership,” Guller says in a release on his company’s site. “There can’t be a better way to put Bikinis on the map…Literally. 

The Dallas Observer reports that Guller made the purchase after seeing an ad for the town, originally named Banker Smith, posted for sale on Craigslist.

Guller is reportedly planning an inaugural event in his new town this fall.

The announcement was made in conjunction with Guller’s declaration that Tuesday was “National Bikinis Day.”


There are so many things to dislike about Guller. For starters, he calls himself a “brestaurateur.” Now, I get what he did there. He combined the words “breasts” and “restaurateur” into a new word. Because he owns a restaurant. And likes boobs.

Guller is a publicity genius. Some people in the restaurant business try to make it on good food and atmosphere. Maybe they’ll do a little bit of advertising, but nothing crazy. Guller went the complete opposite route. He went as crazy as can be. He bought a town. By purchasing something stupid on Craigslist, Guller plans on launching his Hooters knock-off into the stratosphere.

While we’re on the subject, is there any other business like the “breastaurant” business that avoids subtlety altogether? Hooters? Bikinis? I should jump into the game and open up a joint called “Mammary’s.” We would serve dishes like “the Bazoomba Burger” or “Very Breast Jalapeño Poppers.” Then, just because we had breast-themed food, people would pay $16 for microwaved chicken strips. That would be a virtual gold mine.

As if his profession or his purchase weren’t enough for me to put Guller on my “Do NOT Meet” list, he created a holiday. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love holidays. Christmas, Thanksgiving, even Billie. If it is a holiday, I love it.

With that said, you can’t just declare any day a holiday. As much as I try, I will not be able to turn tomorrow into “National Clip a Stranger’s Toenails Day.” You, Guller, cannot turn Tuesday into Bikini’s Day.

I guess I wish Guller luck. I mean, he may not be is not likeable, but you have to admire his gumption. Here is a guy that is trying to make something out of nothing, then sell that something to unsuspecting dopes by sending a waitress with little-to-no clothing to your table.

You have to admire, but you definitely don’t have to like him.


5 thoughts on “Man Buys Texas Town, Degrades Women in the Name of Hot Wings

  1. I heard about this this morning. To me, it falls under the same category as eating at a strip club. You just don’t do it!
    As soon as I heard about this, my very first thought was, (Please excuse my language) ‘this guy is a douche’. I’m sure he makes his mama proud.


    • That is very similar to my first thought. Then, my second thought was how often they receive fines for health code violations. Something about a bikini top and short shorts does not scream clean kitchen.


  2. Haha. Please, please, PLEASE follow through with “National Clip a Stranger’s Toenails” day. That would be the PERFECT day. But yeah, this guy…not even…ugh. I can’t. I just can’t. It’s one of those things that when you think about it, your brain shuts down. Thanks for sharing. I don’t wish poorly on anyone so I hope this guy is happy, successful and doesn’t generate too much hate.


This Would Be A Really Good Time To Reply...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s