Dear Nathan

Escape (Rupert Holmes song)

Escape (Rupert Holmes song) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

DEAR NATHAN: My husband, who is 53, talks often about his college days when he smoked marijuana. I tried it once and didn’t like it. Over the past several years he has started smoking it again.

I have told him I don’t approve, but he says he does it only occasionally “to take the edge off.” Many times he has smoked when we’re out on bike rides, on road trips or a Sunday drive. It makes me feel like he needs to be high in order to have a good time with me.

I tried compromising by asking him not to do it when we are together. He agreed, but he doesn’t keep his word. He does it thinking I don’t know what he’s up to.

I have noticed that he is becoming forgetful and is sometimes unable to understand information. Is this a midlife crisis he’s going through? How do I get him to stop? — MRS. POTHEAD IN WINONA, MINN.

DEAR MRS POTHEAD: Just out of curiosity, are you married to Cheech or Chong? Those are the only people I can think of that are late middle age who are “taking the edge off.”

It’s entirely understandable that he thinks you don’t know what he is doing. After all, he is high. He has no idea what anyone is thinking or doing. He probably doesn’t even 100% know that you exist. He may think that you are just a figment of his imagination, thus he can’t possibly be disappointing you.

The surest way to get him to stop is to let him know that, unlike the giant purple dragon that he constantly sees dancing to Men Without Hats’ 1983 hit “Safety Dance,” you are decidedly real. Yell at him a lot. Take away his bag of Funyuns. Turn off the TV while he is watching “Fantasia.” Figments of imagination can’t possibly do all that.

OOO! Is he Dr. Dre? Dr. Dre is also middle age but continually talks about smoking the marijuana. I bet it’s Dr. Dre!

Anyway, just keep reinforcing the fact that the person who is asking him to stop acting like a first year NBA player is a real human being. If that doesn’t work, you could just replace his drugs with oregano. I have seen on many TV shows that the two look very similar.

Happy blowing your husband’s buzz,

Nathan

 

DEAR NATHAN: “Jerry,” my husband, has been sending pictures of himself to online dating sites, advertising for a personal relationship with the so-called “right woman.”

I feel this is a betrayal of our marriage vows and that it’s cheating. He claims he’s “just looking” at what’s out there.

My concern is, why is he looking in the first place? All I get from him is “I love you” and “I want to be with you.” I have seen these dating sites, and I feel hurt and betrayed. Am I wrong to feel this way, or should I believe what he says about harmless fun? — BROKEN-HEARTED LIBRA, LOUISVILLE, KY.

DEAR BROKEN-HEARTED: You are not wrong to feel this way. Any good husband knows that he should not be creating profiles on dating sites while he is married. While it is not SPECIFICALLY said in the vows, I’m pretty sure it is implied somewhere in there.

In Rupert Holmes’ song “Escape (The Piña Colada Song),” a man puts a personal ad in a newspaper looking for a person who likes a specific alcoholic beverage and being rained on. As the song goes on, the ad is answered. When he meets the person, it turns out it was HIS SIGNIFICANT OTHER! He found out that the two of the share a love of piña coladas and precipitation.

I would say that you should do this. Create your own profile. Find his and ask to meet up. Then, when he shows up, throw a little twist in it: punch him in the face. That is really how that song should have ended anyway. No one would be okay with all that. There would be a fight.

Rupert Holmes is an idiot.

Happy giving your husband a black eye because he doesn’t understand how life works,

Nathan

 

DEAR NATHAN: Would you please weigh in on whether you think wearing sunglasses indoors — particularly in the evening — is rude and not conducive to friendly communication with others? (This isn’t a situation involving eye problems.) — NOTHING TO HIDE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR NOTHING TO HIDE: This all depends on a couple of things. First of all, where are these sunglasses being worn? If it is in an environment full of fluorescent lighting, I would completely agree that sunglasses are okay. Those lights are terrible.

Are the sunglasses being worn for a job? If you are a sunglasses model and you are wearing them inside while a person takes a picture of you, it is your job. Everyone should just get off of your freaking back about the sunglasses. You have to get paid and they will probably take away your check if you refuse to “be rude” for the photographer.

Maybe you’re a secret service agent. No one would take you seriously if you weren’t wearing sunglasses. They would just laugh at the stupid guy in a suit who looks like he thinks he’s important.

If it is not for work the rule of thumb should be as such: if you find yourself running into things while you are wearing sunglasses, it is too dark. You are most likely being rude to those around you.

If you are in a situation where you don’t need sunglasses, it is not necessarily rude. It is, however, making those around you hate you.

You should invest in a pair of those sunglasses with the flip-up lenses. Then you could wear them and be polite at the same time. Just a thought.

Happy hiding your eyesight from those around you,

Nathan

 

DEAR NATHAN: Would you settle a small disagreement? When we are being seated in a restaurant, my husband thanks the maitre d’, the server when he is handed the menu and again when his order is taken.

He also thanks the server when his meal arrives at the table, when his iced tea is served, when it is refilled and when the bill is handed to him. As we are on our way out, he again thanks the maitre d’ or hostess. Isn’t this overdoing a good thing? — SUFFERING IN SILENCE

DEAR SUFFERING IN SILENCE: Wow! You must be a really fun person to serve. As a former restaurant employee, I can tell you I would be a big fan of your husband. I would be much less a fan of yours.

I can just picture it now. I would bring out your food. Your husband would politely thank me. You would, in turn, shake your head, roll your eyes, and act like an all-around pain in my posterior. Let me tell you, this would rub many servers the wrong way. If you send anything back to the kitchen, there is a good chance you are going a nice spit coating on top of your stuffed chicken breast.

As far as I am concerned, you cannot overthank a server. Unless you do that instead of tipping. Then you’re just a turd.

Happy eating a stranger’s spit just because you won’t say thanks,

Nathan

 

Do you need Nathan’s help? I hope not, because you are in some pretty dire straits if you are desperate enough to turn to him. Anyway, if you do, fill this out.

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10 thoughts on “Dear Nathan

  1. It irritates me to no end when one does not say thank you when a service is provided. Even when it’s just somebody showing you to your table or handing you a menu. They are doing something for you, therefor deserving of a ‘thank you’. Suffering in Silence needs a lesson at life.

    Excellent advice on all counts, as usual! 🙂

    Like

  2. Perhaps the person who wears their sunglasses indoors after dark is the significant other who was checking out the dating sites. That would qualify as an appropriate use of sunglasses.

    Like

  3. Pingback: Dear Nathan « The Life and Times of Nathan Badley…

  4. Pingback: Dear Nathan « The Life and Times of Nathan Badley…

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