The Mystery Voicemail

Nothing surprises me more than a voicemail. No one contacts me via telephone, so normally I am excited to answer. Somehow, though, an occasional call slips by me, only arriving as a voicemail.

This was the situation I found myself in this evening as I looked at my phone. There, somehow going unnoticed throughout the day, set a single voicemail. Perplexed, I hit *86 and entered my password. The robotic voice who keeps track of my voicemails confirmed that I had, indeed, received some sort of important call.

Prompted by the robot inside my phone, I hit one to listen to my voice message. Almost immediately, I heard a man speak faster than anyone has ever spoken.

“HithisisJackfromflardcompanywithanamazingofferforyou.GivemeacallbackIreallylookforwardtohearingfromyou.”

For a second, I stared at my phone. Maybe I had misheard it. It seemed that I had received a message from a man who was dying, using his last breath to let me know that he had an amazing offer. I replayed the message.

“HithisisJackfromflardcompanywithanamazingofferforyou.GivemeacallbackIreallylookforwardtohearingfromyou.”

No, this man had called and left what sounded like one 34 syllable word on my phone. I was curious though. I am a person who loves amazing offers and I was pretty sure he had mentioned one of these around syllable 12. Amazing offers are so much better than regular offers and definitely beat the crap out of mediocre offers.

Of course, I had no idea what company Jack was calling from. I listened four or five more times, but each time I was pretty sure he said Flard company. A quick Google search showed that the only Flard Companies I could find specialized in Chinese electrical products or metamorphic rocks. I was unsure as to what amazing offer I could have received involving these products. Maybe I have won a lifetime supply of metamorphic rocks. Really, a lifetime supply of metamorphic rocks would be, at the most, one. That is not that amazing of an offer.

Also, Jack seemed to have forgotten his phone number. How was I supposed to call Jack to receive this amazing offer without a phone number? I definitely couldn’t look up Jack from Flard Company. Believe me, I tried. Unless it is the Jack-of-all-trades flard precut flash card I am looking for, I was at a loss.

Maybe this was some sort of code. I have watched enough TV shows to know that when a nonsensical voicemail pops up on a phone, it means someone is in trouble and the recipient of the call needs to help them. It could be one of my friends, trapped in the trunk of a mobster’s car and he somehow was able to get this one clue off without them knowing.

If that is the case, though, they are in big trouble. I’m not great at deciphering clues to being with and using the word Flard is absolutely going to throw me for a loop.

So now I sit here, wondering what amazing offer I might have missed out on. The possibilities are endless.

Jack, if you are reading this, please call me again. This time, though, speak slowly and deliberately. I am not used to receiving calls that sound like they are from auctioneers. I really want to know about this amazing offer no matter what it is.

Well, maybe not if it is Chinese metamorphic rocks. I think my wife would be upset if I started bring a bunch of feldspar.

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