Apparently, You Don’t Really Know Me

Cover of "Blood on the Tracks"

Attention world,

It has come to my awareness that I may have given some of you people the wrong ideas about me. A person close to me told me that a person close to me said that some people close to me had some less than flattering ideas about who I am. I listened to what all of these close people had said and was, to say the least, flabbergasted. (Note to self: I do not use the word “flabbergasted” often enough. Try to work that into more conversations.)

As the world’s number one ambassador of myself, I feel that I should clear the air.

 I am unfriendly.

There are times in my life when I may seem unfriendly. I may look like I am doing my best Holden Caulfield impression, brooding off in the corner. The fact is I am not brooding. I am not even 100% certain what brooding is. Unless brooding is another word for feeling hungry, odds are I am not brooding. If it does mean hungry, then I am brooding all of the time.

In fact, these situations usually come in large groups. I have noticed in my life that large groups of people tend to shout over each other, seemingly trying to win the conversation. I have always labored under the notion that a conversation is not some sort of competition, so I usually stay out of these shouting matches.

It’s not that I am uninterested in what you are talking about. Okay, sometimes I’m uninterested. If you begin to talk about your purse or the horsepower in a 2009 Saturn Outlook, I will most likely drift off. I have no frame of context to put these two subjects into, so I will not add anything to the conversation. If I did, it would be things like “That purse holds a lot!” or “I bet that vehicle would fit nicely through a drive-thru. Speaking of which, let’s go to Taco Bell.”

When I am interested, though, I may STILL not say anything. The reason is simple. I have spent far too much time on Wikipedia in my life. I know way too many useless facts, so when a subject that relates to them comes up, I don’t want to share my vast, incredibly useless knowledge, lest I seem like I am being a know-it-all. I really dislike know-it-alls, so I’m pretty sure that I would hate myself if I became one.

If it is a group of 2-4 people, though, I am more than happy to join in the conversation. So if I seem like an unfriendly person that is probably on me. I, however, will pass the blame on to Wikipedia since it is an inanimate object that cannot possibly take offense at being blamed.

I dislike you.

This usually stems from the unfriendly misnomer that seems to be floating around. If I am quiet, it does not mean I dislike you.

In fact, I like nearly everyone. Even if I met a person who ran a dog fighting ring, I might like them. No, I would never participate in dog electrocution like they are, but I would more likely than not talk about the best Bob Dylan album with them. FYI, it’s “Blood on the Tracks.”

I am a crazy liberal.

I am still not sure how this one got started. Maybe I, at one point, said something critical of George W. Bush. There was a lot to be critical of there, so I cannot possibly be held at fault for that.

When I registered to vote, I registered “Unaffiliated.” The reason was simple: I am not affiliated with anyone. Both the Democrat and Republican parties can be good and can be crazy. For example, some of the Republican views on the environment can be coo-coo banana pants. In turn, some of the Democratic social plans can be wacky nutso bonkers. Neither party is always right, so I cannot say that I will always vote for one party. If I did that, I feel I would either hope to be in a constant state of war or a Orwellian governmental system that controlled everything anyone did.

For the record, I don’t care for either option.

I am an Adonis-like creature.

This is just a misconception I have about myself. Still, though, I would like to think that someone else wrongly thinks this about me.

I am unreasonable.

This one has not been said to my knowledge. It, however, is implied when people do not feel that they can approach me with any of these issues.

I know, it can be difficult to tell someone you think they are unfriendly, especially if you think that they really are unfriendly, but we could have a very reasonable conversation about this. In fact, it would probably make me like you more than if I found out you were harboring these feelings deep inside you until, one day, they were bound to either burst out or cause you some sort of debilitating internal injury.

If you think any of these things are true about me, you don’t know me very well. That’s not your fault. I am a difficult person to get to know. To make it easier, here is a list of favorites for you to work into conversation.

 

Favorite color: Blue

Favorite number: 2

Favorite food: Anything edible that I can stuff into my mouth.

Favorite music: I’m not sure, but not Lady Gaga or Katy Perry.

Favorite toothpaste: Not whatever I’m using now. It tastes terrible and I can never get it rinsed out as well as I would like.

Favorite beverage: Coffee, but anything caffeinated will probably work.

Favorite clothing item: Socks

Least favorite clothing item: That one sock that is by itself because the other one disappeared.

Favorite sock: Tube

Favorite lunch meat:Turkey

Favorite word for shocked: Flabbergasted

Favorite book: I don’t know. Has it been made into a movie yet? Can we just talk about the movie? Reading hurts my head.

 

With these topics, you can surely get a conversation or two out of me. Buy me coffee and I will probably be your friend regardless of the conversational topic.

I really like coffee.

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15 thoughts on “Apparently, You Don’t Really Know Me

  1. Just tell people you’re hypoglycemic. I swear this works like a charm, and people constantly offer you food. (The only downside is that I actually am hypoglycemic.) Otherwise, I’m really just here to compliment you on your tremendous taste in beverages, music, and colors!

    I have to disagree with you on the lunchmeat though. Honey-baked ham is so tasty it shouldn’t even be legal.

    Like

    • Hmmm… that might work. Hypoglycemic isn’t something that everyone understands, so people probably wouldn’t question it. Plus, it sounds serious enough that people won’t want to bother you with too many questions.

      Oh, and honey-baked ham sucks.

      Like

    • Oh, I don’t dislike you. That’s what I what I was saying. I LIKE you. Also, I do like reading, but for the sake of this post I hate it. I’m so goofy! Who knows what I’ll say next?!

      Like

  2. So did you get this news in an email, comment, phone message, or to your face? I would probably brood about it for a while and then avoid the person who told me, perpetuating the misconception. 🙂

    Like

  3. The very moment you utter anything more elaborate and thoughtful than “drink food man woman” you will be regarded as a know-it-all. The very moment you are of a different opinion than some people close to you, they will probably think you are arrogant.
    Nothing can be done against this circumstance. So please, just continue writing hilarious and intelligent blogposts and all will be as good as can be.

    Like

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