Entry From A Dog’s Diary, May 10th

Antiparos house door

Antiparos house door (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Dear Diary,

More than once in my life, I have been called dumb by a human. They seem to think that I can’t hear them when they say things about how I don’t understand what is happening. I, of course, can. I have gigantic ears, one of the many advantages God has given to dogs.

If anyone in this house is going to be labeled stupid, it would definitely not be me.

I was lying in my regular spot on the couch just this evening. I had settled myself into that nice sweet spot next to where the man has dropped crumbs, but just beyond the place where the woman has left her stink. I finally gotten curled up into a ball when it happened.

Out on the front porch, I heard a motion. There was  bit of rustling and a foot step or two. Then…

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.

Who would be knocking on our door? I didn’t invite anybody over and I highly doubt that the humans who spend most of their time yelling at each other for passing gas would have any friends to come visit. People don’t just stop by unannounced. The only reason someone would show up is for some heinous, appalling act like murder or the theft of all of my bits, leaving me with just kibble.

Instinctively, I was up. I leapt off of the couch and made my way to the door.

“HEY!” I yelled at the wicked being behind the door. “HEY! I LIVE HERE AND YOU DON’T! GO AWAY NOW, PLEASE!”

Stepping back from the door, I waited. The person on the other side of the door seemed to have disappeared, fully understanding my message. I turned, heading back to the couch.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.

What? Who did this person think they were? I had clearly explained that they were not welcome in my home, yet they were still here.

“HEY!” I tried to get through to the would-be invader again. “WHAT DID I TELL YOU?! YOU DO NOT LIVE HERE WITH ME, SO YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GO FIND SOME OTHER PLACE TO BE NOW! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”

Almost immediately, it happened again.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.

“SERIOUSLY?! ARE YOU STUPID?! I TOLD YOU TO GET OUT OF HERE! IF YOU NEED A PLACE TO STAY, THERE IS A LA QUINTA INN DOWN THE ROAD! IT HAS FREE WI-FI, SO PLEASE GO THERE AND LEAVE ME BE!”

“Charlie!” The humans finally spoke up. “Stop barking!”

Wait…there was someone trying to attack and/or murder them and it’s me that is in trouble? I’m just doing my job, trying to keep them safe so that they can, in turn, continue to get me food out of that large bag I can’t reach. It’s a symbiotic relationship, yet I get the feeling that my part of the arrangement is not fully appreciated.

The humans were lucky today. It was just a little girl trying to sell some cookies. Assuming that those cookies are not poisoned, they will be safe for another day.

They’re definitely going to regret yelling at me, though, when I don’t even try to stop the next terrible person from breaking in. As long as they leave my food alone, it’s no skin off of my nose.

Until tomorrow,

Charlie

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17 thoughts on “Entry From A Dog’s Diary, May 10th

    • Hey, thanks. I am probably the closest a human will ever get to a dog. I eat all the time and have a strange fear of vacuums, so I feel like I am pretty accurate in interpreting their feelings.

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    • That seems fair, although I should point out that Charlie is a girl. There is no reason you, or anyone besides my wife and I, would know that, but she is. I do not know if she is lesbian dog or not as I have never asked her. She probably wouldn’t answer anyway since she is a dog. A dog of unknown sexual preference, but a dog nonetheless.

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  1. Wouldn’t it be great to have a really convincing hologram of a pacing lip-licking tiger looking up from under the front steps with a sign on your front door that reads “Ringing the bell or knocking activates the trap door unless you know the secret password”.

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  2. Pingback: Entry From A Dog’s Diary, June 20th « The Life and Times of Nathan Badley…

  3. Pingback: Entry From A Dog’s Diary, July 18th « The Life and Times of Nathan Badley…

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