How To Make Sure Your Birthday is Great

In honor of the Hobbler’s birthday, I have compiled a guide to having a great birthday. You can help make her birthday better by visiting her blog. She also probably wouldn’t argue with a cake if you could make that happen. Cakes are very delicious.

Tips for a Great Birthday

-Make sure you have a really good cake. Since it is your birthday, you are allowed to eat as much of it as you would like. You are also allowed to punch anybody who complains about the flavor of the cake, the frosting, the moistness, or any other aspect. As an added bonus, since it is your birthday, if you were to murder a person who tries to claim carrot cake is the best birthday cake, no jury in the land would blame you.

-As the person celebrating your birthday, you are entitled to anything you want. Literally anything. It is legal to take anything you want from anybody on your birthday as long as you declare, “IT’S MY BIRTHDAY, YOU BAGS OF CRAP!” The bags of crap are legally obligated to turn over the desired merchandise immediately upon hearing this.

-Be aware of the importance of your birthday. Everyone knows that 16, 18, and 21 are all big birthdays. What people don’t realize is that every birthday has an importance. For instance, your 23 birthday is the first time you are allowed to celebrate like an actual adult and not a stupid college kid. Your 31st birthday is known as the “(Post-30) First Birthday.” Every birthday is a big deal. Well, every birthday except 14. That one is just stupid.

-Take advantage of the hat situation. Most days, you are not allowed to wear a pointed hat. It will get a great number of stares from onlookers and will leave you feeling self-conscious and awkward. On your birthday, you are allowed to wear any number of strange hats and the only explanation anyone needs is, “It’s my birthday,” or, if you prefer, “IT’S MY BIRTHDAY, YOU BAGS OF CRAP!”

-Birthdays are the best day for guilt trips. If you have a friend who owes you money, all you have to do is say, “I was hoping I could get it back to spend tonight for my birthday party.” They will repay you in full within the hour. If someone has been promising to do some sort of chore for you, a subtle hint that it may be slightly ruining your birthday will get that done immediately. The only other day that is more suited towards a good guilt trip is Mother’s Day, but birthdays are a close second.

-Since it is your birthday, you are really allowed to do anything. I mean, within limits. You still can’t fly by flapping your arms and jumping off of a roof. You can’t chug a gallon of milk without throwing up. You can’t grow a third arm.

Outside of strange desires like these, though, it is wide open. Sit back and enjoy.

If anyone gives you any flack for anything, just remember: “IT’S MY BIRTHDAY, YOU BAGS OF CRAP!” That will definitely save you a lot of birthday grief.

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21 thoughts on “How To Make Sure Your Birthday is Great

  1. Thanks Nathan! I have the post 30 birthday, turned 31 today, so now I can join the fist shaking crowd when kids on bikes roll by right? I also am trying to get out of cooking all day, and I think that might actually happen.

    I will have to use the bags of crap line. My son turns 8 today too, and he loves talking about crap, and any other butt related word, so we can have some great bonding time.

    I love all of you who have written posts for me today. I have the best friends ever on WordPress. Thanks again.

    Like

  2. Pingback: The Epic Tale of Darth Hobbler, Evil Empress and ObiLizzieCrackedNobi, Cracked Porn Star | Running Naked With Scissors

    • Actually, everyone will be able to disagree. At least everyone who has ever tried a carrot cake. People who have not tried it that disagree are just being irrational.

      In fact, it is very easy to disagree with you on the grounds that it is not the best.

      Take, for instance, the humble chocolate cake. It’s not trying to be something it isn’t pretending to be a healthy alternative by throwing in a vegetable. No sir. It is just there doing its job. It’s a real salt of the earth kind of cake, toiling day in and day out to be delicious and ignoring all of those fancy gimmicks like cream cheese icing and hunks of vegetable.

      What I am getting at here, sir, is you are more than welcome to your opinion on carrot cake. I will not tell you that you are wrong because it is your opinion.

      With that said, I will tell everyone else your opinion is wrong because anyone who thinks that carrot cake is the best is a nutjob and completely beyond any sort of help.

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  3. Pingback: Birthday links: « I probably shouldn't have said that…

  4. Now that you say it, the fourteenth birthday is definitely dumb. But I enjoyed previous year with me without having to tell everyone to treat me like a Queen. They fear me too much u.u

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