Greetings, college graduates.
Within the month, you will be done with college. You will be kicked out of your cozy dorm room and, for the first time in your 22 years on this planet, you will be forced to completely fend for yourself. You will find yourself without the amenities that you have had in college, instead replaced with thousands of dollars of student loan debt, a degree in art history that only qualifies you for a job as a bagboy at the local Piggly Wiggly, and an understanding of the proper way to cook Ramen noodles.
The real world can be terrifying. There are a lot of things you are forced to do as a newly produced college graduate. Many of you will suffer from serious anxiety attacks. In fact, it’s likely that some won’t survive their transformation from college student to adult, unable to adapt to a life that requires you to wake up before noon AND wear semi-presentable clothing every day.
It’s not impossible, though, to successfully transition to being an adult. Difficult, yes, but not impossible. There are only a few things you need.
The first thing you need is a job. Remember those professors you had that showed up at your eight o’clock class whether you were there or not? They were at their job. In fact, almost everyone in the world has some sort of job and you will have to get one too.
The way this job thing works is very simple. You will provide a task for a group of people called a company. This company will then, in turn, give you money so that you will not starve to death or be forced to live on the street. You will be expected to show up at this job EVERY day and you will have to get there on time or else a person who has been deemed important will yell at you and eventually fire you.
Finding one of these jobs can be very difficult. There are a lot of places to look. Back in olden times, people were forced to look in the classified ads and send out resume after resume. Now, though, you can find one of these on the internet.
The key to getting a job on the internet is to avoid any questionable characters. As a test, try to point out when this job listing gets a bit creepy:
Wanted: A young professional with experience using Microsoft Office and Adobe Acrobat. Must be willing to work nights and weekends. Job requirements include two-years experience, a positive attitude, a bachelor’s degree, a willingness to work topless, and a dependable vehicle. A working knowledge of Spanish and experience as a drug mule are preferred, but not required.
If you guessed the whole topless bit, congratulations. If not, you may not be ready for the real world yet.
With your job firmly in place, you are on your way. You aren’t completely there yet, though. With that money you are now earning from your topless drug mule position (or whatever it is you have been hired for) you will need to pay for a few things. One of these is a place to live.
I won’t lie to you. It is a pain to find an apartment. You will walk into room after room and, by the end of the looking, you won’t care anymore. You will choose the first apartment that seems safe from drive-by shootings and gladly move in. This will be your home for the foreseeable future, until you move away because you are fed up with “the maintenance men always screwing everything up,” at which point you will find another apartment safe from drive-by shootings.
Now you are starting to look like a real adult. You have a job, you have a home, you have stopped wearing the same ratty hoodie everyday. You are now set up for the rest of your life, experiencing the same day after day until you eventually die. There’s only one thing holding you back.
You’re an adult. It’s time to act like one.
There are certain things that college students do that you are no longer allowed to do. Now that you are an adult, you must give up the following things:
Eating fast food at 3 a.m.
Wearing sweatpants in public
Sleeping until 2 p.m.
Describing that new indie rock band as “the greatest band since the Beatles”
Turning your hallway into a bowling alley
Farting on your roommate (it does happen)
Leaving your dirty dishes for four months before finally washing a single plate
Flipping your bed sheets over and declaring them “good as new”
Laughing at Dane Cook
Knowing everything about everything to ever exist ever
Once you have removed everything off this list from your life, you are officially an adult. Congratulations! Good luck with your upcoming adulthood.
I hope you enjoyed your lack of responsibility.