The Dangers of World Peace

Ron Artest (far left), Kobe Bryant (center), J...

"Look, kids. That's World Peace on the court. Now put your helmet on before he comes after you." (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It’s been the dream of every Miss America contestant in history. John Lennon sang about it while, for some reason, playing guitar in bed with Yoko. There is even a statistic, the Global Peace Index, devoted solely to the phenomenon. It all, though, seems like a waste of time.

The dream of world peace is officially dead.

It all started seven and a half years ago in a suburb of Detroit, the birthplace of most “peace is dead” stories. In the midst of an NBA basketball game, a fan threw a cup at Ron Artest, a player for the Indiana Pacers. Naturally, Artest did what anyone would do in that situation.

He ran into the stands and started punching random people in the head. Then he punched members of the Detroit Pistons. Then he punched more random people. By the end of the brawl, approximately 7.6 billion people had been punched in the head, making it the biggest brawl that started with a bunch of grown men throwing a ball at an inanimate object.

Artest would be suspended for an entire basketball season. The NBA, apparently, frowned on fans being randomly punched in the head, ignoring any chance there ever was of an NBA/Mixed Martial Arts combined event.

When he came back, Artest turned his life around. He began doing charity work. He refrained from head punching. Then, in the ultimate show of concern for the world, Artest legally changed his name to Metta World Peace. You have to really be a fan of World Peace to make that your last name.

In fact, everything seemed to be going well. Then, last night, the dream came crashing down.

After dunking the basketball, a common activity for tall men like World Peace, good old Metta elbowed a guy in the head. Really, really hard. World Peace had given James Harden a concussion.

Now, every sports site in America is filled with headlines like:


“World Peace faces NBA discipline for violent elbow to Harden”

“World Peace Fell Off The Wagon”

“World Peace faces NBA discipline for violent blow”

“World Peace crushes a guy’s skull with hard pointy elbow, leaves him really injured”


How can world peace make a comeback after this massive amount of bad publicity? That would be like having a person take your name, then get busted cooking meth in the back of a stolen police car while selling government secrets to a foreign dignitary. There is no way to come back from your name being associated with a meth/stolen car/treason ring.

Fortunately, there might still be hope for the concept of world peace.

First, someone needs to get Metta World Peace to, again, change his name. I would recommend Psychotic Lethal Lunatic, but I’m just spitballing. As long as Metta is associated with world peace, world peace will be associated with blows to the head.

Next, a full on public relations campaign is needed. Commercials where people declare “World Peace does NOT involve violent contact with heads” will reassure people that, in fact, we could live in a world filled with peace. A Facebook page filled with pictures of a lot of peaceful things like bunnies or puppies would help. Maybe a Twitter feed with little tidbits like “I just had ice cream cake. The only thing better would be ice cream cake AND world peace.”

Finally, and this is the most important step to saving world peace, GET PEOPLE TO STOP FIGHTING.

I don’t know if you’ve heard. There are a lot of people who fight. Not fight in the metaphorical sense, like “I fought my urge to eat an entire cheesecake in one setting” (Spoiler Alert: I lost), but actual fighting with weapons and stuff. That’s kind of scary.

If that would stop, it wouldn’t matter if Metta World Peace concussed player after player with his elbow. The actual concept of world peace would still be alive and well. We would have finally created a utopian society. We could all stand up proud and hold our heads high.

Of course, with our heads held high, Metta World Peace would probably violently abuse them. It seems to be his thing.


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