Living in the suburbs has its benefits. It’s safe to walk around the neighborhood. Every house looks the same, so there is very little reason to feel jealous of your neighbor’s home. It’s always easy to find a Starbucks since there are roughly sixteen per square mile.
Of course this stability leads to one thing.
Unfortunately for a great number of Americans, they will never be able to experience this boredom. They are stuck in cities that are full of activity. They’ll never know what it’s like to have every restaurant close at 10 o’clock or the idea of a cultural experience be a high school production of Les Miserables.
That’s why the leaders here in Johnson County,Kansas have created the best way to experience the world of cul-de-sacs and strip malls for those outsiders stuck in a busy metropolis. They have created the National Museum of Suburban History*, the country’s first museum devoted to completely boring its patrons.
Come check out all the museum has to offer:
Take a Ride on the Family Mini-Van Retrospective: Come see one of the country’s largest collections of sensible vehicles, from the 1985 Chevrolet Astro all the way to the 2012 Kia Sedona. This collection will show you every car parents reluctantly bought hoping to keep their child safe and secure while providing the space needed to haul Little League and soccer equipment across town.
Experience Suburban Life in our Interactive Suburban Simulator: Have you ever wondered how hard it is to keep your grass green and perfectly trimmed? Ever wished you could find out what it is like to jog in spandex while pushing a stroller? Wanted to try to rack up as much debt as possible by trying to buy all of the latest gadgets that no human being ever needs?
Head to the Interactive Suburban Simulator. The ISS gives you the complete suburban experience without the hassle of attending any of your kid’s soccer games or actually having to pay a mortgage while attempting to keep your Homeowner’s Association happy!
View the World’s Smallest Cul-De-Sac Diorama: It’s just as boring as a normal cul-de-sac, but this one is only visible through a microscope! The lines are surprisingly short at this attraction.
Take Your Picture in the Official Suburban Photo Studio: Dress up as a stay-at-home mom, a man wearing a Bluetooth who is far too busy at work to play catch with his kid but is very happy to stay inside a complain about the stock market, or that one white kid who thinks he is Dr. Dre. For only $25, you can take home the perfect souvenir that says “We literally could not find anything else to do that day, so we went into the first building with air conditioning we could find.”
Dine in the Applebee’s Food Court: The finest cuisine the suburbs have to offer. Have a Quesadilla Burger, a Provolone Stuffed Meatball, or a plate of our Potato Twisters served with our spicy Queso Blanco, all while staring at random crap we nailed to a wall! It’s perfect for anybody who wants food that will make you say, “Eh.”
Once you have been to the National Museum of Suburban History, you can finally know what it is causes all of those teenage musicians to be so angsty.
Head to Shawnee, Kansas and visit the NMoSH. It will be the third stoplight on Lackman Road after the fourth CVS pharmacy off of Shawnee Mission Parkway. If you have hit the McDonald’s that is right next to three frozen yogurt places, you have gone too far.**
The National Museum of Suburban History: The museum that makes all others look exciting.
*Just for the record, I wish I was making this up. My county actually spent over $3 million on this idea.
** These are not real directions. If you ever plan on going here (you don’t) look up where the museum is really at.
- Conservatives mock suburban museum (midwestdemocracy.com)
- The Curse of the Cul-de-Sac (alignment.wordpress.com)