It’s a dark day.
With unemployment still high and a global recession looming, it seemed impossible for things to get worse. Then North Korea announced it had tested a long-range missile, putting the entire world in jeopardy. Then that missile broke apart in the air, causing those North Koreans to become angrier, thus more likely to destroy the world.
As if that was not bad enough, something far more terrible happened. Worse than the threat of world destruction or world bankruptcy. It’s everyone’s worst nightmare come true.
Mike and Ike are going their separate way.
In 1940, a candy company in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania created one of the greatest innovations of all time. Realizing that the world was lacking in the chewy fruit flavored food department, Russian immigrant Sam Born created Mike and Ike’s, the world’s greatest oblong fruit flavored candy.
The candy was perfect. While other candies had been known to exclude certain nationalities and races (Little known fact: White chocolate was originally called Honky Chocolate in response to a far more offensive name given to regular chocolate.), Mike and Ike’s included everyone. No one hates fruit flavors and the candies were even kosher, including our Jewish friends in their rainbow of flavors.
After 72 years together, though, these two have decided to call it quits. According to the official Mike and Ike Facebook page, Mike is pursuing a career in music and Ike as an artist. Both will be, presumably, very terrible at these things since neither one of them actually exists.
Now, I don’t know if I can even go on. Easter has ended, so Reese’s eggs have disappeared. Now Mike and Ike’s are on their way out. There is a candy shaped hole in my heart. Since having a hole in your heart is considered detrimental to one’s health, I must try one final time to get these two back together.
Mike, Ike, the two of you have been there for me throughout the years. Remember the time I snuck your candy into the theater? How about that other time I snuck your candy into the theater? Come to think of it, I have snuck Mike and Ike’s into a lot of movies. Maybe if the concession prices weren’t 20 times the average price. I mean, who do they think they’re kidding with those prices?
The two of you have been two of my best friends. Maybe not best, but at least pretty good friends. To see the two of you throw away everything that you have worked so hard for just because of a petty squabble seems silly. And not just because the two of you aren’t real.
I think I speak for all of America when I say that life isn’t living without you. What fruit flavored candy am I going to turn to? Starbursts? Skittles? I don’t think so. The only Starburst worth eating is the pink and don’t even get me started on Skittles. I might as well be eating gravel.
Just Born, Inc., I beg you to bring this candy back. You are letting everyone down by doing this.
…Unless this is just a marketing gimmick. If that is the case, I should get some free Mike and Ike’s for this post.
It’s really the least you could do after putting me through such heartache.