With my birthday now only 15 days away, I realized today that it is near. Very, very near. That, of course, means that there are only two weeks left to find me the perfect birthday present.
Always the giver, though, I have provided a list of wanted gifts. Feel free to peruse and purchase whatever tickles your fancy. Then, of course, give it to me since it is my gift.
-First edition of Everyone Poops signed by author Amanda Mayer Stinchecum
-A tranquilizer gun (to be used to quell attacks by my new monkey)
-24 karat gold carrot
-24 carrot gold karat
-Yosemite Sam mud flaps
-One of those little beanies with the propeller on top. Those things kill me.
-A granola bar, but not one with raisins because I always think they’re chocolate chips, then take a bite and get a huge let down
-The original KITT from Knight Rider
-Katherine Heigl’s retirement
-A book deal
-A day of Morgan Freeman narrating my life
-My own personal hamster wheel
-A king-sized Venus flytrap (I have huge flies)
-The answer to life’s greatest mysteries, read aloud by Morgan Freeman
-A bust of myself suitable for display
-A bedtime story read by Morgan Freeman
-A vanity plate reading “2HOT4EWE.” Also, a sheep-shaped car to go with this.
-My own guest spot on Community, Happy Endings, 30 Rock, or really any other TV show except for COPS.
If you can’t get me any of these things, I’ll take a gift card. Those things always come in handy.
- Morgan Freeman believes aliens could be hostile, ends affair with step-granddaughter (malburns.wordpress.com)