As a dog, I have a great deal to be proud of. There’s my strong tradition of killing squirrels, my excellent teeth, and my tail which is definitely a sign that we dogs are far more evolved than those people we hang around with.
Mostly, though, I am proud of my smell.
I have worked very hard to develop my own bouquet of scents, rolling in the grass for 17 seconds, finding the perfect piece of trash to set that off, then licking ever so precisely to complete my trademark scent. Apparently, all that work had gone unnoticed.
This morning, I was very excited for some play time. I eagerly hopped on the lap of the woman and gave her the ultimate sign of affection: I rubbed my tongue all over her face. Normally this gets me a nice “AWWWW!” or at least a belly rub, but not today.
“Phew! You stink, Charlie.”
Of course, I took this very personally. I don’t know how else you are supposed to take that kind of thing. I have met many dogs in my life and none of them were less smelly than me. In fact, I have been near her mouth in the morning and it was definitely nothing to write home about.
Clearly, none of this mattered. She immediately grabbed me and began the long walk upstairs. I knew exactly what this meant.
I hate the water. I hate it very much. It is wet, which is a major negative. You apparently can’t breathe in it which makes me very uncomfortable. Anything that can kill me and make me uncomfortable for the next hour is bad in my book.
She turned that knob on the wall and sat me down in that hard white thing that they always fill with the water. I tried to get out, but she held me there. She is unusually strong for a human. Then, with the other hand, she grabbed the bottle of slime.
Within seconds, I was covered in slime. At this point, I’ve come to realize there isn’t much that can be done. I sat there, waiting for the dreaded water to wash off the even more dreaded slime.
“All done,” she said, rinsing the last of the slime off. “You smell so much better!”
I took a whiff. I smelled liked a terrible field of daisies. That is no way for a dog to smell, especially a dog like me. I am much too refined for this stench.
I ran through the house, searching for anything to return me to my original smell. I rolled around on my blanket, but the smell of flowers was far too strong for it. My pen helped a bit more, but it appeared to be no use.
I was stuck smelling like one of those bottles of lotion the woman yells at me for licking.
Now I have a full day of reperfuming tomorrow. It’s quite upsetting, seeing as how I had to bump back my afternoon nap and my 10 o’clock licking to free up enough space for this.
At least I get the satisfaction of knowing that tomorrow she will have to get in that water too. That will show her.
- Tips about how to Wash Your Dog (boldstate.com)
- 10 Memorable Bathtub Moments (bellasugar.com)
- The 30 Most Important Dogs Of 2011 (buzzfeed.com)